Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's December Already?

Wow. Time has really flown by, if I may sound so very cliche. It seems like my life has been a whirlwind the last 8 months, and that's saying something since I haven't really been doing much of anything.

We are officially moving on Saturday. I'm really excited because it is finally happening. If we had moved when X wanted us to back in August, I would be stuck in a house without my stuff right now and I would have been one pissed off lady. As of now, we're leaving without our stuff, but X is working on getting it moved as he finally has his orders. Even though he was irked that I didn't leave when we agreed, last night when we spoke briefly I said "Can you imagine how pissed off I would have been. I would have been calling you everday for the last four months, bitching at you every chance I got." He begrudgingly agreed that staying was the best option. We even had a decent conversation about Jonny's hair.

Then I was talking, he assumed I was being pissy, I wasn't because I'm past that point of trying to poke at him just to piss him off if there isn't a legitimate reason. I tried explaining that. Then, I tried to talk to him about some things that Aislinn had said to me. He told the kids last weekend he's moving in with his girlfriend, and Aislinn is very, very upset about this.

She's afraid that she'll never see her dad (This was actually something I didn't tell him because he'd assume I made it up. To hear your ten year old say that is heartbreaking.) and if she DOES see him, she'll never have any one on one time with him, and that his girlfriend will "always be around". I tried to explain to her that it would be ok, that she'll probably be complaining one day about having one of my boyfriends "always around" to which she replied, "You've had a boyfriend forever mom and we've never met him, so you don't DRAG HIM to everything we do. You do things alone with us and I like that." I won't lie, it made me feel good to know I was doing this the right way. Still I told her that she needs to give his girlfriend a chance and that I'm sure it will be fine, and that I would not tolerate any rudeness or disrespect from her or Jonny toward her dad or his girlfriend.

X of course, immediately got defensive. I get it. He agreed that he wouldn't move in with her, but honestly I knew it was going to happen. He'd use money as an excuse, but really X can't be alone. He's never lived on his own. EVER. I mean look at when he was in A school, living alone with just a roomate and he ended up cheating on me. When he went to Florida for recruiting school, I'm positive he cheated on me there too because all of a sudden, the man who LOVES to talk on the phone (he had a cell at the time too) was very, very hard to get a hold of. Just like when he cheated on me in A school, and just like when he started the online affair with his girlfriend.

So, I'm not at all surprised or dismayed or upset or sad. I do worry that he won't see his children as much as he can. Recruiting is a tough gig and that was when our marriage really started to hit the skids I think, and that was with years or Navy wife-ing under my belt. He says now that he knows what he's doing it shouldn't be so bad, which makes no sense. It was suckier at the end when he was the star recruiter than at the beginning. But, I keep hope for the kids. They adore their father and I want to keep it that way. He assumes I bitch because I want to keep him under MY thumb. Oh hardly. If I could figure out a way to never have to see him again, I would do it. I bitch because I can't bear the kids running to the phone everytime it rings to see if it's him because they haven't heard from him in two weeks. Sure I could make them call him, but at the end of the day, the kids want to know their dad cares enough to pick up the phone and see how they're doing.

He swears he's going to be there for them, and that's the only thing I can go on. My life is about to get much harder and I would like to think I can depend on him to help out with daycare or sick days when I need to, but I'm almost positive I can't as he's said in the past that his girlfriend is afraid I'm going to dump the kids off on him all the time. First of all, they're his kids, so when he HAS them, he's not babysitting he's PARENTING. I didn't go off and have these kids on my own damn it. Also, I haven't done that here in Virginia when he's literally my only option if I need help. So, if I didn't do that here, then I won't do that there unless I really have to and I may have to because I'll be working. I told him that if I come to him it's because I've exhausted every other option. The sad thing is I should be able to come to him FIRST out of everyone back home to see if he can help with the kids.

Blah, this turned into a bitching post. I try really hard to not bitch. Oh well. I am super excited to move but I will very much miss my boyfriend, Ken. He's been awesome and amazing and understanding of my situation. He knew from the moment I met him that I'm leaving and he could have walked away, but he chose not to. I wish I could pack him in my suitcase and take him with me, but he very much dislikes St. Louis. I can't say that I blame him.

Monday, November 22, 2010

8 Months

I have been seperated for 8 months. I guess, technically it could be counted as 10, and I think if X had his way, it would be considered that so that we could be officially divorced in 2. Of course we live in one of 13 or so states that makes you wait a year to get divorced if you have children. On one hand I get it. I think often times, people get divorced too soon. Maybe, they've met someone and have fallen in lust, or maybe they just weren't thinking clearly. I know of a few people who benefitted from the 12 month waiting period. Before the time was up, they got back together and lived happily ever after.

That's not the case for me and X. If I wasn't worried about health insurance, I'd probably change the date to January too. He and I have such a tainted, horrible relationship. We bring out the worst in each other, there is no denying that. I don't even recognize myself when I'm around him. I feel instantly angry. I belittle and insult him every chance I get. I dig in my claws and kick him when he's down. The sight of him makes me feel disgust, and the smell of his smoke infused clothes makes me feel nauseous. Unfortunately, this is not something new that has developed since the seperation. The insulting and belittling, I am ashamed to admit, existed through most our relationship. The disgust and nausea, probably the last year or two of our marriage.

Sometimes, it's just best all round to call it quits. I read an interesting quote that by Joyce Brothers: "For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life."

It's true and that's how I feel now. That's not exactly how I've always felt. A few months ago, even though I knew it was for the best, I still kind of held out hope that we could work it out. It was my stubborness shining through. X though, had the foresight to see what I couldn't. Nothing was going to make it work, nothing was going to change and if I may offer another quote from Motley Crue "Nothin' left to do. Too many things were said, to ever make it feel like yesterday did."

So, I move forward and move on and enjoy the stress free life that I am living quite happily. Right now I have the luxury of living in an in-between bubble. Once I move, all that will change. I'll have to actually start living a different life. Sometimes here in the house X and I decided to make our home, I feel like I'm playing a "single mommy" simulation game. Yeah it's kind of hard, sometimes sucky, but it isn't going to be anything like how it's going to be once I leave my cozy bubble. You know what? That's ok. I'm looking forward to it.

Monday, November 15, 2010


I was born the day before my dad's birthday. The story goes that he wanted me to be born on HIS birthday (Planned c-section) but my mom said that I needed my own birthday. So, she chose the 16th of November as my birthday. Then, my dad had the nerve to name my Roberta. Yes, I actually at one time had a birth cert. paperwork filled out with Roberta Roark. My father's name is Burton. He claims that he named me that because he wanted to name me Bobbi. Bobby is short for Robert, therefore, Roberta was perfect. I asked him why not just name me Bobbi then? He said because Bobbi is short for Roberta! I then usually point out that Sandi is short for Sandra, yet he chose to name me Sandi. Let's face it Pop, you wanted to name me Roberta because it had Bert in it, and to torture your poor korean wife who could not (and some argue still can't) pronounce the "R" sound. We know what's up.

Today, I went out and got him a card. I always go with something funny. I don't do well with mush. That's Michelle's job. Call me insensitive but there is something about my father crying that unnerves me. I get all hot and squeamish. It's just not.. right. So, I go with funny but as I won't be there to see him open it, I put a wee bit of mush in there from me.

Me and my sisters are going through a lot right now. I'm getting divorced, Michelle lives in California and soon Bo will be moving to Colorado, and me and the kids are coming back to St. Louis. I feel bad for my parents. They're losing the two good girls and getting, well me. The hard headed surly bird. The one that was more than content to live 900 miles away, and you know what? The rest of the family was ok with that, too. We all got along better that way. I've always been a little different, a little difficult, a little pissy, a little impatient, and little quick to roll my eyes and huff off in pissiness. It's not that I try to be that way, I just am. They didn't get it but over time, they've accepted it. I've also learned through the years and because of my wonderful drugs that life doesn't have to be so damned hard and I don't have to be so hard either.

My dad and I always butted heads, we have never gotten along. We've exchanged harsh words and the more he tried to control, the more I rebelled. What do you expect from two hot-headed Scorpios? Over the years we learned how to manage each other. A lot of kid gloves, bitten tongues, egg shell walking and avoidance on both parts. It's not that we don't love each other, we do, it's just more pleasant this way.

Even though it was rough growing up this way, and despite the fact that all three of us are now adults and yet we're still subjected to his random rants on how're we're "ruining his life" it has made my sisters and I strong and independent women. After you have lived with the "ultimate man" all mortal men seem easy in comparison.

So the mush in my card told him that. That even all three girls are going through some pretty life changing events, because we're HIS daughters, we'll take it all in stride. That thanks to him, we were equipped with the life lessons so we aren't weak, clingy, weak willed individuals. We learned to listen to our hearts mostly, but never to discount our head's opinion, that you don't always get what you want and that's ok, that you know what? Life ISN'T fair and that's how it goes, and worrying gets you nowhere, being proactive garners results.

I didn't really come to this realization until Tony left. When Tony and I would fight, he would accuse me of being like my dad. This used to hurt me. He's said it once since we've been seperated and I paused and then said "You know what? Yes, I am and just now I've realized that that isn't such a bad thing. So, say it all you want, it doesn't matter anymore. There are worse things to be in life."

And that's the truth.. because my dad hates liars.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I'm SO Money

I got my first allotment on the first of the month. I will only get "paid" once a month. There are pros and cons to that situation. The main good point is that I get all my bills paid at once, and out of my way, and I get to see where I stand for the rest of the month. Actually, there isn't any cons... yet. I should say there are potential cons. Like... not realizing how much money I spend on stupid shit, or not realizing a month is a long ass time and me and the kids are eating cereal by the 25th of the month or something. I'll let you know if that happens.

For once, I feel financially secure. I know that sounds odd since most women in a divorce situation usually feels the opposite. That's what happens when you live with someone who isn't that great with money. Who wields his debit card like it's a plastic magic wand, there to grant his every wish and every wish is for cigarettes, bottles of soda, coffee from 7-11 and fast food. Who can make a 20 dollar bill disappear right before your very eyes, and have nothing to show for it. I don't know how he did it, but he always did. Once he put us a few hundred dollars overdrawn over pizza. I'd go to work, he'd write a check for a pizza. Every night for almost two weeks. That... whoa.. that was ugly.

It's just so much easier to track when I'm the only person in that account. I have my little checkbook app on my phone, and as soon as I make a transaction, I log it. I tried that before, but it was impossible because he'd make so many transactions and we'd fight over money so much, I would just wouldn't bother.

So, now I feel ok. I don't have THAT stress either, that financial stress that I dealt with all the time when we were married. I have MY money, and it pays MY bills. I even gave him half the mortgage and you know he didn't even say thank you? He kind of rolled his eyes. I think he was convinced I wouldn't give it to him, and so when I did, I disappointed him a little. Oh, but he cashed the check first thing Monday morning.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Seasoning With Reason

Three weeks ago, I attended my weekly talk therapy session. I've been doing weekly sessions for about 2 years now, and honestly I don't know why it took me so long. Even though I think my family's motto of "Just Get Over It Already!" is stupid, I guess a part of me felt the same and the thought of sharing my thoughts and secrets and feelings with a stranger was a little too much and would be something I could handle on my own. I am so glad I took the step, it's been a big help to me. Telling someone objective, out loud your thoughts, where you don't have to worry about how what you say will affect that person, or if it will get back to another person, and not being judged in general does wonders for your psyche.

Anyway, I was telling my therapist about the guy who followed me into a parking lot to berate me for a bad traffic mistake on my part, and after I finished he asked me why I felt the need to engage with this person in this way. That I should have just called 9-1-1 instead of arguing with him for twenty minutes. He said it was obvious the man was irrational and no matter how much I tried to convince him, he wasn't going to suddenly become rational. He then pointed out that this is how I interact with Ex as well.

The only answer I could offer him was that I just feel the need to get the other person to see REASON, because it's so obvious to me that what I'm saying should almost go without saying. In the instance of the crazy guy, I said I was sorry, we were both safe, what more do you want? With Ex, spending every night with your new girlfriend in St. Louis, leaving the children behind that you haven't seen in six months is just wrong. Anyone with any kind of common sense can SEE that, and I guess I engage because if they just THOUGHT about it, they'd get it.

So, I've tried hard since this session to not engage Ex in these kinds of "reasoning sessions" as I've dubbed them. What I see as reasoning, he sees as bitching especially if I'm reasoning loudly. No matter how rational I'm being, if the other person is irrational then I'm just talking myself blue in the face. To stop this cycle, I've just stopped talking to him when he's around because that's the only way I can assure that I don't "reason".

Today, I got a text saying he needed me to call. It was so that he could bitch at me about something really asinine in light of how he's been treating the particular situation. Pretty much, he was just waiting for me to make a mistake to point fingers at me, even though his behavior in this situation has been WAY WAY worse. I was proud of myself. I didn't try to reason. I just stated my issues in a calm way. He seemed flustered by it which was kind of funny.

The last three weeks though have brought me a new found peace. Even though I knew I can't change the way he thinks, or change the way he does things, actually practicing that in actuality has set me free. I no longer obsess why he does what he does, treats us the way he does. I have finally taken the stance of its not my problem to heart. I thought it would be tough, but it hasn't been. I worry about me and my two babies and pups and it makes my life so much... simpler.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

No Big Changes

There haven't been any big changes or incidents lately. I think I'm starting to settle into the whole thing. Having zero communication with him does seem to help the situation out immensely.

Although, I did get an email from him the other day informing me that the allottment had gone through on his end, and that my share for the paycheck had been witheld from his deposit. He wasn't sure I was going to get it yet though, so and I quote "Be careful with money." I literally laughed at loud at that statement. Him telling ME to be careful with money. I started getting the kids into miser mode when this all started back in March knowing that it was going to be a little different. It's not too bad at this point and it will get much better once I get a job, but I figure it's better to be safe than sorry. Having the man who can leave the house with twenty bucks and have it spent by the end of the day with nothing but a pack of smokes to show for it tell me to be careful with money, well that's almost as bad as that asian man telling me I was a bad driver.

I didn't get my share, and that SUUUUCCCKKKSSS. The way the military allotments work is that they withold the money from each of his checks, but only pay once a month. So, I'm hoping and praying I get it on the 1st but, shit I worry it may not be until the 15th. Yet, I can't complain because this is how I wanted it. I didn't want to have to depend on him to transfer the money, never mind the bank charges me for every wire transfer. So, it may be a rough 2-4 weeks, but I'll get by. The funny thing is he asked me if I would be able to pay half the mortgage. I told him straight out no because when I thought I was moving, he was supposed to pay the utilities last month. He got all the info from me and everything. When I went to check them he hadn't paid shit. Nothing. So, I had to pay them, and they are all behind. They were never behind when I paid them. I had to pay whatever I could on each of them, so they're still behind. It pisses me off. Then he had the nerve to ask me for more money? Screw you!

Monday, September 13, 2010


In the quiet I find my mind wandering to the future. It's so open ended right now, anything can happen and it's all kinds of awesome to think about. Before it seemed my life was pretty much set. Married, two kids, two dogs, a loving husband (so I thought) a new home and all that was left was to live out my life in familial bliss, surrounded by the ones that I loved the most.

Now, I don't know where life is going to lead me, and I kind of can't wait, which is amazing coming from a person who hates change as much as she hates getting up early and almost as much as she hates cleaning house. Sometimes, I wish I had the script of my life, just so I could take a quick peek to see what's coming up for me and the children. I know it will be hard, and I know at times I'll be frustrated, but above all else I know it will be GOOD. How do I know that? Because it's good now.

I'll never deny my devastation when this all first came about. I'll never forget how awful I felt, how I felt utterly alone, and how I was so upset I gave myself dry heaves on more than one occcasion. How I was sure that after a week he'd call and say he was sorry, ok after two week, after three weeks. At the three week mark is when I kind of started to move forward. Looking back, three weeks isn't very long, and that in itself is a good indication on how much I was fooling myself into thinking that my marriage was ok.

Now there are so many paths open to me, even if I'm not at a place where I can choose one. Sometimes, a random thought will pop into my head like... "I could have a real honeymoon if I get married again." or " What if I have another baby?" Then, sometimes it's "I never have to be tied to a man again if I don't want to." or "There's nothing wrong with a string of lovers right?" or "Maybe in two years I can buy my OWN house!." or "I GUESS I could go to school at some point." (Obviously, not high on my list. God I hate school. )

Most of the things I think about are positive in their way because no matter what life brings me at this point is going to be positive, even if I can't see it in the moment. Just like this divorce. When it happened, it was pain 24/7 for awhile, but the pain brought positivity and happiness in a way I never though I'd experience. I look forward to more of that in my future. Ok, maybe not so much the PAIN part, I don't look forward to THAT, I'm not that sick, but you know what I mean.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


It has been peaceful in our house the last few days. I find myself smiling a lot, and happy to be around the kids. I'm sure school has a lot to do with it, but I think it's more than that, I think it's the calm of it just being us three and the dogs. When Ex was living with us, there was always a bit of chaos because of his work schedule and we argued quite a bit. He was often unhappy and diconnected and that caused a lot of problems for the rest of us.

Life is simpler. I don't know why, but it is. You'd think that if I had another adult to help around here, it would be easier that way. Really, it's not. I don't know if it had been a good marriage if it would have been easier with two instead of one. With just me here there are no more expectations for help. If things need to get done, I have only me to do them. No more pissiness walking around getting mad that I'm the only one doing dishes, doing laundry, doing this and that. Maybe those were unrealistic expectations to have of him since I am a stay at home mom. Who knows? All I know is that I never really felt like I had a partner, just one other person to clean up after. He came home from work, and he was done for the evening. All I asked from him was to take out the trash, give the kids a bath and then put them to bed. Those were things we discussed he would do at night. Every night this was an issue. We argued about them every night. He'd put them to bed an hour late, even with constant reminders. He'd sigh when I said it was bathtime. It was obvious he wasn't into being a member of this family. It weighed on all of us. That weight is now gone.

School seems to be going well for the kids, even though it's only been day two. Aislinn seems to have a very positive attitude about her teacher which is a blessing. Jonny seems to think the first grade is going to be more fun than kindgergarten.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Still Debating If Thirteen is Lucky or Unlucky

Today would have been my 13th wedding anniversary. I guess legally it still is, but emotionally it isn't. I realized this last night laying in bed with the kids at my friends house. I had gone there to hang out for the evening, and although I only had one beer, and was ok to drive, I had a blinding headache and opted to stay the night instead. As I was laying there with both kids, having a bit of an argument with my guy friend (it wasn't meant to be one, but you know how it goes) and I looked at the phone and it was past midnight so officially the 6th of Sept.

I kind of laid there, answering texts here and there, headache pounding in my head, kids fighting over space and I felt like I could cry. I didn't, but I was almost there. I think it was a combination of stress, pms, argument with guy friend, and headache that made me a bit more vulnerable in that moment. I finally managed to go to sleep without crying.

I woke up this morning, headache gone, and went downstairs and was greeted by the smell of Wayne cooking breakfast for everyone like he does every weekend. I started to make myself some coffee, feeling more at home at Wayne and Mel's than I do in my own, and I told them that today was supposed to be my anniversary. Wayne being the smart ass he is, yelled cheerfully "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!" I laughed and shook my head.

Thinking about it doesn't make me as sad as I expected to be. Even though last night there was a moment of sadness after it got quiet, I realize that had Tony not left me, I wouldn't have been surrounded by my friends, laying in bed in their home with my two kids making up our own sign language in the dark. That not only have I made new friends with Wayne and Mel, I have been accepted by all their friends with open arms. Last night Mel's sister in law made up the bed for me since my head hurt and it touched my heart.

It is sad though that a marriage had to end, my marriage had to end but it happened and dwelling on it doesn't change anything. I just have to keep moving forward and just trust that good things will continue to come my way.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Yet Another Post Where I Talk of the Same Thing

My life is a LOT easier when Ex and I just don't speak to each other. It's just going to take some time to get to the point where we can talk without arguing. We've given it a good effort, and at times it seemed like we could do it, but it always managed to fall apart.

It's hard to suddenly lose your best friend. It's not like I sit and pine for that person either, which makes it even more weird. All of a sudden, you don't feel that way about this person, and you're ok with it for the most part. Sure, you'll think of something from the past and get nostalgic for what you once had, but it doesn't happen very often.

Ex was never a mean person, he never said an ill word toward me, he never hit me, or was verbally abusive. He was a good provider who always worked hard. So, what was the problem? Well, I wasn't aware there was a problem until the shit hit the fan. Looking back, the only thing I can say is that we grew apart. He seemed to stop caring about the family, focusing on work and school. The more he pulled away, the more angry I got and anger was probably the wrong emotion. Where we once went to bed together every night watching Adult Swim, was now replaced with him going to bed alone while I relished the quiet solitude of the night. There was a time I would hear his car pulling into the driveway and I would run to meet him at the door. Near the end I was barely looking up from what I was doing to greet him when he came in.

I don't know why it happened, I don't know how. I don't know what changed between us, what changed IN us. It just all got overwhelming, suffocating, and I think it got easier to ignore there was an issue than to try to fix the issue. It was easier to not rock the boat, because when the boat was rocked, things weren't fixed anyway. It was always the same arguments over and over. He was selfish, I was controlling. Throw in jabs about each others families, rinse and repeat.

At the end of the day, Ex and I bring out the worse in each other. It wasn't always like that, but that's how it ended. The last time we had a "discussion" it ended with me throwing a pencil in his face, and him throwing my purse across the room. When that happened, I knew it was going to take a lot of time and energy to fix this if we ever wanted to do that, and that's time and energy maybe best spent elsewhere.

Monday, August 30, 2010


I feel like writing about something different. I guess it goes with my impending divorce, but not really. I want to talk about my tattoos.

Some people see tattoos as being classless and white trashy. I know my parents aren't happy about the placement of my tattoos, but they don't care about the tattoos themselves. I do worry that people see my wrist tattoo and think less of me. Yet, I don't regret any of my tattoos or their placement. Each one, even if they don't necessarily have meaning, they represent a part of my life, good and bad.

In six weeks I got three tattoos. This seems excessive even to me. Normally, I am a bit tight fisted with my money, and ink is the last thing I want to spend it on, but the seperation gave me the nudge I needed to fulfill this need in me. For now it's been sated and I'm happy with the three new ones I've gotten.

My dad said that he read once that people who get arm tattoos are insecure, but he softened this statement by flexing his arm and laughing, showing off his arm tattoo. I can see this, but for me the tattoos have helped immensely with my self esteem. Before getting my first arm tattoo I refused to wear a tank top. Upon getting it, I would wear them here and there. Then I got the fan on the other arm and all of a sudden I can't get enough of tank tops. Maybe I feel the tattoos will detract people from looking at my gut or worse my boobs (Seriously, I'm self concious about the size of them and felt if I wore a tank top I was trying to call attention to them). Because of my tattoos I've had better body image and self esteem.

Change of Plans

I was advised that we probably shouldn't move until our things are able to be shipped, so that's what we're doing. I called the school, and all I have to do to register them is to bring in proof we still live here. Easy. Luckily for the kids, school doesn't start until next week, so they're still on summer vacay. Yesterday we started going to bed early. It was nice having a few quiet hours to myself after they went to bed.

Ex isn't happy about us staying. I really don't know why. He's been pushing us to move constantly. Up until last week I was willing to do what it took to not rock the boat, even though he doesn't believe that. I have tried to keep both our long term lives in mind while trying to maintain the comfort of our children. I'm trying to make this easy for everyone. I really am. I don't want Ex to be penniless. I really don't, but then again I'm not going to be all "Oh you don't have to give us enough money." either. I'm not going for more than what we are entitled to.

He gets mad about the amount he has to pay, but getting mad at ME is pointless. Go yell at the Navy then, since it's their rule that he pay me this amount. This is THEIR number, not mine. After we divorce it's expected to go down sure, but it won't go down a lot. It's not like I'm some girl he knocked up and then married to make the situation right.

We were a couple, we married, we PLANNED on our children. Neither were "pleasant surprises". We both agreed that me being a stay at home mom was important. It's not like I never worked. I worked part time since I was sixteen and full time at times with two jobs since I was 18. I worked full time until Aislinn was 3. We were moving, I wanted to get pregnant, so I stopped working. The job I had was stressful and I was miserable. It only made sense to quit. It ended up working well for us. With his erratic recruiting schedule, me staying home made sense and I would be working to just pay the daycare.

So, hearing him sneer at me to "get a job" is hurtful. I had and still have a job. Raising my children. That's an important job, especially since I have to worry about Aislinn and her Tourettes. I'm trying the best I can, and yet he never seems happy even though this is what he's wanted. He left, he knew it would cost him, he knew what it meant, but he's still so angry.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Positivity Lacking

As much as Tony doesn't want to believe this, I do not want this to turn into a Tony bashing blog. Honestly. It's to chronicle my journey into my new life as a smokin' hot single mom. Oh yeah, I said smokin' hot. There's no shame in my game. Losing 36 lbs helps with the ole ego as you can see. Don't worry, I don't walk around acting like a total bitch. I'm still kind of shy, insecure and I still at times feel hopelessly unattractive. See, normal.

Anyway, that is why I haven't written much, or should I say, posted much. There are a few angry drafts that I refuse to post because I am trying really hard to make this positive. Sure, it's funny to read about my Ex being an R-Tard as I fill the page with scathing similies and malicious metaphors, but he IS the father of my children and honestly, he makes everything about him anyway, and I just need one little section of my life that is about me and what I'm going through. He's already using this as a way to victimize himself. "Can I ask you about XYZ without you posting about it in your blog?" See what I mean? I get that once a week.

So, positivity, positivity.... it's been in short supply as of late. Well, he's been really good about taking the kids which has freed my time to go out with a man. A man. Just one, and it's not the usual fuck and run I have been doing since my seperation. It was SUPPOSED to be, but we both have a lot in common. I'm not saying I'm in LOVE, but I enjoy spending time with him and we make each other laugh, AND he lets me talk as much as I want without checking his phone or spacing out or anything. Honestly, if I were him, those are things I would do. I would be all "Ooooh Bejeweled Blitz!" if I were him. Wait.. I think I did that a few weekends while at Mel's. I have ADD I can't help it? (Love ya, Mel!)

Anyway, just saying, got a like a man who sits you down to show you an awesome video game,and then let's you play it while he watches and helps. When I told my sister that, she asked if he at least bought me shoes before forcing me to play a video game. So, yeah she's not into video games. What is fun to me, is torture to her and vice versa. I love the look of high heels, but good Lordy I avoid wearing them as much as possible.
The children seem to enjoy spending time with their dad at his bachelor pad. He lives with three other guys and they are all nice guys from the crew Tony is in and I knew two of them before teh seperation, so I feel comfortable the kids being there. I got to check out the house the other day and beside the the picture of the woman wearing the thong, ass to camera and with the words "Bad Ass" you see as soon as you walk in, it's very nice and normal. The kids seemed comfy there, Jonny going to one of the guys room, knocking and yelling "Hey Daniel! Are you getting dressed?!?". It was very cute.

Soon, the move is happeneing. As of right now, all I'm taking is clothes, my dogs, kids and coffee pot. Oh and probably my desk top and of course my laptop and Wii. You know.. the important shiz. Tony is setting up the allotment today and our seperation agreement is being drafted and should be ready this week.

After all is said and done, I'm ready to be over and done with this all. I still feel like Tony and I are too emeshed and I don't want that anymore. I want to seperate FULLY and leave it at that. I'm ready to move on, and I accept it all with open heart and arms.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Here and Now

It's been odd having Tony "here". Not in the house obviously, but just like, HERE you know? It's actually been harder on me than I thought it would be. I knew him coming back would bring forth emotions, and I thought I was prepared for that, but I guess I wasn't. I've been sad. Downright morose. Moody. Irritable. It's annoying for sure. My separation/divorce is real and even though it's the best thing that can happen, it's still the end of a marriage and you have to have a heart of fucking stone not to feel sad when it's your own.

Every memory I have of the last 12 years (17 if you count the relationship before we married) has involved him in some way. I can't erase that and that sucks. I'm not to the point where I can think of something and not get sad right now. I'll think of when Jonny was born and the medicine they gave me made me itchy and how my dad told me to stop scratching my face because I looked like a drug addict and I was all "I can't HELP IT just tell the nurse I need benadryl!" Funny memory, but then BAM I remember Tony sitting next to me, face lined with concern trying to sneak a pic of me sleeping in the recovery room.

Eventually, my life will be filled with new memories and I welcome it. Also, I know that I'll be able to think back to all the good times and not care that Tony is in them. Right now I feel like he sullies my memories. That it's just one more thing that has been taken from me and it pisses me off.

On a more positive note, we are getting along ok. Friendly. We don't call each other unless necessary which is a big indicator for me that I'm ok with this whole thing. The old me would call a 100 times a day, everyday. Actually, since he's been back from St. Louis, I don't think I've called him once. He's gotten better with the whole kind of lingering around when he's here. He's pretty much in and out when he's here. Boundaries are being drawn and respected and that's a good thing.

No matter what, I'll always love that asshole. Not in the Oooh I want to be your woman way, because that ship has sailed. But, we WERE best friends for 17 years. Honestly. So, when he's here we still talk and joke around and laugh. More than when we were married actually. I want nothing but the best for him, and I worry that he's not expecting the same for himself, but those are his choices. I actually cried for him the other day. I'll never stop caring for him. Because of him I have two miracles who bring me joy everyday. For that, I could never hate him.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Breaking Up is Easy to Do

Moving on has been easier for me than I originally anticipated. For the most part it has been a pretty positive experience. There is still a tiny part of me that is saddened by the fact that my marriage was so unknowingly sucky and that I was able to deal with it and move on without much of a backwards glance.

I can't begin to explain it. If you had asked me a mere seven months ago, I would have told you that Tony and I were completely and madly in love, that life didn't get much better than what we had together. I would have told you that losing him would be like sucking the soul from my body and I would be nothing more than a lifeless husk. When he said he was done, I was devastated. It hit me from out of nowhere and it sent me reeling. Yet, once my world stop spinning and came back under control, I realized that it wasn't going to be so bad after all.

I felt like the blinders were off once and for all. It's amazing how as humans we can lie to ourselves so thoroughly to convince ourselves that life is ok. We ignore the shadows and the Scarlett O'Hara comes out in us saying "I'll think about that another day." and we move on. We will tell ourselves whatever it takes to make life bearable. For me it was that being a military family is hard. We are going to have highs and lows, dips and valleys, but the fact that we remain a family is what is going to get us through. I truly believed that with my whole heart and soul.

I am thankful that things have turned out the way they did. Sure, it's a lot of mess and muck we have to wade through but I've honestly never felt happier. I'm free from so many things and I don't mean just my marriage or husband. There are other things that I am able to let go of that have made me feel reborn. Sometimes I sit in wonderment at what I'm NOT doing that the old me would be doing. I am awestruck about what I'm NOT thining about, as opposed to what I am. I, for once see the silver linings in almost everything without trying now.

I've had pain, don't get me wrong. The pain is like getting a tattoo. It hurts like hell and just when you think you're done, you can't take the pain anymore you're finished. You look down and see something beautiful that is forever yours. The pain got you there and in the end you're thankful for that pain and what it has brought you.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Update on the Homecoming

What can I say? It's been almost two weeks since Tony has been back. He was supposed to come in that afternoon because there was lack of space on the earlier flight. I was happy with this. It was going to be hard enough to face him, but honestly, it was going to be harder to see the rest of the crew there, giving me pitying looks or frank curious stares, or even worse, not acknowleding me at all. Unfortunately, he got on the earlier flight and I had to deal with it. It was as awkward as expected.

We pick him up, and it's just ugh. I kind of walk ahead so he can hang with the kids. When I saw him at the airport, I honestly didn't feel anything. No rush of love or emotion. No hatred. Just pure awkwardness.

We get in the car and we drive back to the house. Everything is going well, it's kind of comfortable, so I did what any woman in my position would do.

I threw myselt at him.

Sigh, yes you read that right. I THREW myself at him and was rejected soundly.

The thing is, I wasn't so much throwing myself at HIM as much as it was my last ditch effort to make it work. To keep what was familiar to me and to keep my family together. I didn't feel much of anything in that moment, and no I am not saying that now because I was rejected. It was desperation for what was familiar, not for him. Sure, it stung when he refused, but only for a bit. Then I was fine.

He took the kids to St. Louis and there have been some.. incidents that I've not been happy about. Yet, I can't control him and his decisions. He has to make those himself and live with the consequences if there are any. Same as I. Same as anyone really.

I went to Philly/Jersey and visited my friend Teri and had a really amazing time. Found out that my sister wants me to move into her house, so my waiting has come to fruition. I sent away for some college materials on becoming a Vet Tech. Things are coming together.

I don't know what the future will hold for me. I hope that one day I can find someone to love me. I have been on a few dates here and there yet nothing worth writing home about. There have been two things I have found I really need, one is someone who likes to talk. One of the biggest things that made my life feel oppressive is that Tony is just NOT a talker. I need that. The other thing I need is someone to stand up to me. Not lay down the law and stomp around making sure the hand towels are hung exactly 1/4 of an inch away from each other. Someone to call me on my bullshit if I'm spewing it. The first time it happened with someone I was talking wtih, I freaked out and no longer talk to that person. Like "How DARE he!" Then it happened again, and then again with different people. I realized I liked that.. a lot.

I'm a strong willed person. Always have been. I will get my way. With Tony, I just pretty much bulldozed my way through. If I got abruptly short, he would immediately bowl over and start saying things too soothe me. Of course, I got into this habit. It's a quick way to get an ego fix. Get instantly pissy and then you get nice words said to you to make you feel better. Imagine my surprise when I am not getting this from men. I must now use my brain to get my way and it's ten kinds of awesome.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Freak Out In 3..2..1..

I was laying in my bed just now, switching between Angry Birds (it's not called that because the birds are angry, it's because you get PISSED AS FUCK and google how to beat levels out of desperation and finding a video that shows the exact thing you've tried 568 times and failed) texting my sister through a crisis, and perusing Facebook and it just kind of hit me. My ex is taking my kids for like 2 weeks. What the hell am I going to do?

I actually started to cry. Ok, sure there have been times when I've fantasized about having my kids sent to boarding school only to visit me at Christmas and Easter, greeting me with a cold peck on the cheek and calling me "mummy". I think all moms have had that fantasy a time or two. I've even left my children. I'm not an overly sentimental mom who can't leave her kids behind. Even when they were babies. If a stranger came up to me and said "Hey I'll watch your kids while you go get a pedi." I would probably actually consider it before saying no. Just weighing my options. My toes need painting!

This is something different though. They will be gone, away from home. With their father yes, but not my husband. Does that make sense? They'll be doing a family vacation, even with MY dogs, without me, and there lies the root of the matter. WITHOUT ME. I am being the one left behind. I am the one who is not welcome on this excursion of famial delight. That freaks me the fuck out. It breaks my already black heart a bit more. I'll be completely and utterly alone... except for the five days I'll be visiting a friend. I don't even know how I'll get to the airport. Sad trombone Wah.. Wah.. WAAAAHHHHH.

Speaking of friends, I got into a big blow out with my closest one here in VA. What bothers me the most is that I feel completely and utterly used by this person. We got into a fight and I can't help but feel bitter about it. Because of course it's during MY time of need. When I finally needed HER for a change, needed her to help me get through this tough time I have going on right now of facing my husband, she forbids me to come to her house because I spoke my mind. I'm terribly hurt and I feel terribly used. Now my one support is no longer there after she used me for support for months. My plan was to stay with her while Tony did all he had to do here at the house. Maybe it's just a sign that I need to stay here and face it head on and not run away? That's my positive spin on it. That's me the last few months. Sandi, the silver lining hunter. What's funny is I used to be a pretty negative person, and this whole situation has made me look for the good or go crazy. For that I am thankful. See? Another silver lining. I do it without trying now.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Holding Pattern

Everyday brings me one day closer to the big day. Funny enough, I worry but I'm not overly nervous about it. It is an odd feeling to not feel much of anything. I used to count down the days until Tony would come home. Now it's kind of like... "Oh yeah kids did you know you're dad will be home in like *BLEEP* days?" (For OPSEC reasons I can't specify how many days because the Taliban reads the blog of EVERY military spouse to see when they can blow up shit, or so they make it seem at those dumb Ombudsmen classes I took. Ha! There was a waste of two days.) By now I'd be obsessing over what outfit I'm going to wear, what we're going to do, I would have had a vacation of sort planned, I would be stocking the house with all his favorite things, cleaning, organizing, yard work. Now, I'm just like "Meh. It will suck I won't have a car for a few days and when I do finally have one it's the molester van."

I expect I'll be more nervous when the day arrives. Or maybe not. I don't know how I'll be. I just want it DONE. I just want to get to the point of seeing his face, gauging my reaction, handing off the kids and moving forward to wherever that is. I just know I can't do that until he's here. The end of my waiting period is upon me and I wonder if in order to GET to that end I have to wade through the shit of emotion and tears because ZOMG he's here, or will it be some anticlimactic shrug of the shoulders from me, giving the peace sign and going to my room to text and play MW2? Who knows.

I actually worry more about being here alone sans kids and dogs for a almost 2 weeks. Sure five of those days I'll be out of town, but still man! That's a lot of quiet when you're not used to it. I'm pissed I'll be stuck with the smelly van without ac. I'm worried he's going to SMOKE IN MY FUCKING CAR... OMG HE BETTER NOT FUCKING SMOKE IN MY CAR! That thought actually made me feel extremely pissed today. I worry about having to hear him speak to his girlfriend on the phone, knowing that I just wasn't good enough.

That's what burns me the most. Through 12 years of marriage I just wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to not have him fuck someone else months after our wedding. I wasn't good enough to not have an online affair. I wasn't good enough for him to try counseling. I just wasn't fucking good enough. Sure, I guess it's a matter of semantics and maybe "good enough" is a bit harsh. That's how I feel though. Even if me being free of him is the best fucking thing to ever happen to me, it still doesn't lessen the sting of being rejected.

We had a conversation recently via email and Tony bitched about my blog. He said I made him look like a bad guy. I told him no cheating made him the bad guy plain and simple. That if I cheated everytime I was miserable, I would have cheated a ton but my love for him kept me from doing that. His love for me wasn't as strong. His love ended up being conditional after all. Of course, he never responded.

Friday, July 9, 2010


That's something my sister made up. O D Monkey Tail A T (I can not take credit for Monkey Tail I read it somewhere I'm sure. Maybe Mimi Smartypants?* Who knows?) It stands for One Day At A Time. Monkey tail is cuter. I thought it was called an ampersand but I just googled and it's not. This & is an ampersand. And why am I talking about this crap? Sigh.

Anyway, OD@AT is what she texts me when I start to feel stressed. Today I did a little crying. It's just.. UGH. I'm trying to OD@AT but it's hard to do! I want answers. I'm trying to be zen about it, but I'm becoming impatient. What's my next step? Where do I go from here? Holy shit he'll be home in a few days. *Gasp Gasp Gasp* I can't breathe. Bring me a brown paper bag. What? They're not enviromentally friendly? Fuck nuts.


*Speaking of random blog writers... WTF is up with Patrick Hughes? Seriously. Write something for Christ Sake! And don't even get me started on the fact that he's now married and I'm single because I so have a blog crush on his angsty ass!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Ooops. Busted.

So, yeah found out Tony, or someone he knows, reads this. To quote Tony "Don't make me look like a bacwards retard that can't even tie my own shoes." Fair enough. I get where he is coming from. At the end of the day though, this is my "space" so to speak and I write this to help me deal. Oh and to feed my ego because it's always hungry. Nom nom nom. I think most people realize there are two sides to a story and blah blah blah. This happens to be my bitter half and maybe one day Tony will start his own "Why my ex sucks donkey balls" blog one day. Fingers crossed people, fingers crossed.

Finally back from St. Louis. Half of me still feels there. I'm torn. There are pros and cons to both areas to live in. I just don't know what to do, so again I choose nothing. I know that doesn't seem very proactive but it feels right and that's all I can say about that. I wait and hope an answer comes to me soon. One way or another. Either through a dream (hopefully I'm a zombie in the dream rawr) or in some kind of cool psychedelic epiphany or umm... maybe a letter? I don't know. However answers like these come about, I'll be waiting here for it to find me. Or, I'll get tired of waiting and just say "Fuck this" and do something totally rash and ruin my life. Awesome.

My life, on a side note is actually all kinds of crazy. Even though I call it crazy, it's been crazy fun. I'm living a life I never dreamed I'd live full of tattoos, red highlights, vodka waters and hookahs. And people. People who fill my days with laughter and entertainment. The sound of the "ding ding" of an incoming text is now a regular sound in my life, and usually it's someone who wants to make me giggle. Old friends and new ones all have been discovered and rediscovered. Long forgotten friendships have been rekindled, lukewarm friendships have been given a new boost and the new friendships are well, just that new. Hell, I'm even friends with my nemesis of 17 years.

For years I thought of myself as kind of an antisocial person. Unable to make and maintain friendships. I have found this to be untrue. The amount of friends I do have is actually staggering! From my online ladies who I've known for years to the guy who did my tattoo a few weeks ago. Sure, they're all on different levels of friendship ( I couldn't call tattoo guy crying about my period or anything) but they're friendships just the same. I feel really blessed to know that so many people care. I used to think I was unlovable and unlikeable. I see that's not the case at all. That has helped me more than anything.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Geez. I don't even know where to start. First of all, my hands are shaking in excitement for two reasons. One, I got a new laptop while here in St. Louis and it's AMAZING, the second reason is because I've had this new laptop for almost 2 weeks now and I've had NO INTERNET access. I know!! Woe is freaking me!! I finally caved and am now sitting at St. Louis Bread Company having a salad and half a sandwhich and playing with my new toy. Shiny!! Me likey shiny!!

I've had a few emotional days here and there this past week. Coming home to St. Louis has really brought the reality of my situation to the forefront. I feel like I've gone on an emotional bender. Crying to the point of vomitting. Being emotionally needy. Getting another tattoo totally on a whim. I've gone from wanting to move here, to wanting to stay in Va, to getting a tattoo, to emailing Tony that I want him to have the kids for a year while I get my shit together. I'm all over the fucking place.

Today, I feel a little more grounded. Sometimes, I think you have to go through some crazy to get to the good. My decision is to just to go with the flow. One day at a time. There is not hard and fast rule that says I have to do anything. My gut tells me not to go with that house I found, and I'm going with my gut. It hasn't failed me yet. I just feel like life is fixing to do something major and I just need to wait for it. Just WAIT and accept what comes my way. Sometimes waiting is the best and only option.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Sound of Anger

Hearing Tony's voice pisses me off. It wasn't that long ago when I would be hurt and offended if he called the house and didn't want to talk to me. Lately, I've been hoping he skips me over. He doesn't. It's like he knows what I want and does the opposite just to piss me the hell off. Usually he needs to call to ask for help with whatever issue he's got going on at he time.

Today, it was access to his Star Card account. Two weeks ago it was his My Pay info. How he will survive is beyond me. I asked him at one point today if I should just forward the info to his new girlfriend. Seriously.

At the beginning of this whole crazy situation he accused me of "always having my hands in evertyhing" well.. duh. If I didn't have my hands in everything NOTHING WOULD GET DONE. We're talking about a man who ruined us financially at one point because of PIZZA. He'd write a check for pizza every night while I was at work, never once checking to see if there was money to cover those checks. He thought the checks were magic money.

I don't know what he's going to do. He's hasn't paid a bill in 12 years. He can't tell you how much we have in checking or savings, what his credit limits are and if he's close to them yet. I asked him today if he knew that he's maxed out his Star Card. Of course he didn't know that. Why was his Star Card maxed out? Because dumb ass lost his debit card to our account. He claims to have called to get it replaced but it never arrived. He opened up another acccount to a different bank but since he knows nothing of our current bank he couldn't figure out how to transfer money. He asked me to do it. I laughed and hung up the phone. So, instead of figuring it out, he charged everything. I told him to today that I refuse to take responsibility for that card. I even paid over the amount due by a few hundred dollars while he has been gone and he still maxed it.

I've been careful with money. I don't want it to come back and bite me in the ass later that I spent his hard earned cash. Yes, there are some things I like to buy. Target clearance is my new best friend. I feel like a caretaker to his house. Therefore I would earn a wage and I'll buy myself some new skirts or shoes. Also, I'm going to have to join the workforce soon. I need clothes for that as well.

I told him today to not talk to me on the phone anymore. I can't take it. The sound of his voice infuriates me, especially when he's asking for help. He accuses me of being controlling, yet I see it as I never really had any other choice. I HAD to take care of these things. I didn't necessarily like doing it, but someone had to do it or bills didn't get paid. Sure, I made some mistakes along the way. Hell, I suck something terrible at math and have imposed a few numbers causing errors NOT in our favor. I keep a budget that I've tried to show him on many occasion, only to have him zone out.

I worry about him sometimes but I just tell myself he had a good thing going here and he blew it. Better luck next time, Tony.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

That's A Man, Baby.

It seems my ability to not feel is starting to wane. All of a sudden I'm being hit with icky feelings and emotions. I have to say I'm not really digging it all too much.

I blame my therapist. I know that is his job, but damn him. Why can't he just nod his head instead of making me THINK about myself? First it was "Do you ever wonder why you feel to emasculate Tony everytime you talk to him?" then it was "Not only did he cheat, but he cheated on you with someone you knew and hated." then it was "I worry if you're really feeling what you should be right now. It's ok to be sad." It was like he took an ice pick and chipped away at the wall of ice around my heart and it's starting to thaw and I don't like it one bit.

The thing that bothers me the most is I feel like such a girl about it. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I just wish I could go back to feeling very little of nothing about anything other than happiness for my situation. I want those days where I walked around the house with nothing but a smile and an overblown sense of relief. When I would strut around like nothing could touch me, nothing could hold me down, like the world was my oyster. Now I feel like I'm walking around like a little old woman, clutching her bag as she walks past a group of questionable youths.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Scared Shitless

As the time slowly comes upon me for Tony to come home, I find myself scared. It's easy to be angry when you're not face to face. It's easy to be strong and adamant about what you will and will not do when you can only talk to that person on the phone or through the internet. I have a feeling it's going to be like a seperation all over again, and I get to suffer the pain twice.

Seeing him is when my will will be tested and when my feelings I am able to easily sweep aside now, are going to come rushing to the forefront. In a perfect world I'd be able to just say hi, and ignore him, and start making preparations for my move. Seeing him though, seeing him interact with the kids and be in our lives again is going to be hard. I'll want to argue, cry and scream at him. I'm going to want answers even if I already have them. Looking him in the eyes is going to change everything.

Ultimately, I am worried I'll cave. Maybe beg. Want him back. Want to hold him and just forget the whole thing ever happened. I'm worried he'll reject me and ignore me. I'm afraid he's not going to care and I'll see first hand he's not really sorry, that he really doesn't love me, and he's really ok with all this.

I know that for my own sanity and mental health I need to cut him from my life as much as I can. He did nothing but cause me pain. I know in my heart this was our only recourse. When yo choose to play Bejeweled Blitz on your Ipod instead of having sex, like I did so many nights, that is not a good sign. When you let the dog sleep between you every night, something isn't right. In the end this IS what I want and what I need. Probably what we both want and need.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Can't Sleep

I hate it when I can't sleep. It's quiet and dark and my mind start to wander. The only one to keep my company right now is Lola the cat, or Squeaky Fromme, as I like to call her when she makes her weird noises, who is mad because the laptop is currently taking space on my lap instead of her. I keep telling her it's called a laptop for a reason, she just squeaks at me, butting her head against mine. In cat talk I guess that means "I don't give a shit.. move it!"

My week has been not that great. I've always been aware that in time, the other shoe could drop at any moment. What I meant by that is that I would probably feel bad soon. That was this past week. Everything hit me all at once, at one point almost causing a panic attack at the Girl Scout Bridging Ceremony. Luckily between texting a friend and having my ear buds handy I was able to avoid it. I felt like the noise in the room was physically assaulting me. I would flinch and shake. By putting my music on I was able to drown out the noises and calm down. Eventually, I was able to give Jonny one ear bud so he could listen with me so I didn't look like a total shitty mom by ignoring my kid. It was a tough moment and thinking about it scares me. I've had the gamut of anxiety issues through time, but panic attacks weren't one until now. To think people feel like that constantly makes me sad. It was a horrible feeling.

My husband not only cheated on me so soon after our wedding, but with the one person in the world I hated more than anyone (Hi Mel!) and he KNEW how I felt about her and he did it anyway. I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me so angry! I know being angry about it is pointless, especially now, but it does and I can't help it.

Recently, during a back and forth email argument, Tony said I was "more than capable" of screwing him over and if I got "pissed enough, I know you would". This hurt me more than anyone can imagine. Why? Because most women in my position would have left to the succor of her family and friends, leaving bills unpaid and bank accounts empty. I didn't do that. I was trying to be an adult, realizing that here or there I'd be miserable. At least let me keep the kids in school for the rest of the year and not disrupt them too much. Let me keep paying bills, cutting grass and caring for the house because it's the right thing to do. I literally put my life on hold to do the right thing, hoping that in the long run Karma would repay me. To read that broke my heart more than anything.

He's claiming to be a changed man. Saying the man that cheated is not the same man he is today. Ummm except you cheated... again. So, yeah. Uh. Yeah. Ok then? Tell yourself whatever you need to get you through the day I guess.

My friends and I have a little divorce club. My friends Cindy and Andy and I get together and just kind of comfort each other. I don't know if we're doing each other more harm than good, but it's nice to have friends who are in a similiar situation at the same time. Andy and I were talking one night and he said that all 3 of us can sleep like babies knowing we didn't do anything wrong. Were we part of the problem? Yes, of course we were, but we didn't take drastic steps like our exes did. All 3 of us have been cheated on and it sucks rocks people. It is a terrible feeling to know the person you dedicated your life too hit the bricks when the shit got tough in the most cowardly way. To know your hard work and dedication didn't mean a damn thing after all and you weren't worth it in the end. Even though my self esteem has remained intact, there are still periods of doubt that creep into my mind. Like.. "Wow, who will ever want me again? I've got two kids, two spazzy dogs and a crazy ex husband. I might as well have a sign that reads Don't touch or you'll get emotional herpes on my forehead." I know that's silly and people in way worse situations than mine find love again and that's great.

What scares me though is that I DON'T WANT LOVE. No. I don't. I don't have any to give anyone and I feel less than human. On one hand I am grateful I'm not a stereotypical woman falling in the arms of any man who will have her, yet on the other I worry about my heart. Is it damaged beyond repair? Will I ever be able to trust another penis wielder?


Friday, May 28, 2010

Who knew?

Who Knew

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
?Cause they're all wrong

I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?

I still have moments of sadness and it makes me mad sometimes that I can still get upset. Peopple say that it's not even been three months and to cut myself some slack. For the most part I have handled this all pretty well, that I need to expect that after 12 years of marriage and 17 years of togetherness I'm going to have small bouts of sadness. The above song made me cry today on the highway. Compleletey unexpected and I was so upset with myself that I allowed some dumb song to bring me down. I had a similiar instance on tv where a vow renewal scene made me feel like I had been punched in the gut.

It has recently come to light that Tony had an affair three months after our wedding. When first confronted with the fact that I was about to find out his dirty little secret, instead of coming clean and telling me the truth 100%, he once again chose to lie. He claimed he had a 1 night drunken stand. I found out otherwise.

At first, I felt ill. I cried. I wondered had he ever loved me? Was I just a mistake he thought he could outrun by joining the Navy because he never thought I would follow? Was he kicking himself when he realized I was willing to go anywhere for him? It's some straight Dr. Phil/Maury shit and it makes me angry.

I used to say all the time that if Tony hadn't joined the Navy, I don't know if we'd be legally married. It wasn't important to me. I didn't understand how a piece of paper made you "more committed" than a couple without one. This used to upset Tony. He always said the act of marriage was special and that things change when you get married. The irony is he cheated and I didn't. Like I said.. that piece of paper doesn't mean shit.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Not the Post I thought I'd Be Writing Today

Originally, my plan was to write about my wonderful weekend I had with an unexpected person that came into my life. It was meant to be light hearted and fun and a way to show that opportunities come in the strangest ways and are you going to take them or get stuck on who the gift giver is.

Instead, I'll probably go on about emotional rape. Yes, I just said emotional RAPE. A mind fuck if you will. A 14 year long mind fuck.

I have had the most emotional fucking 24 hours since this whole fucking seperation began. If I thought it couldn't get any worse, it has and I feel shittier now than when it all first started.

On Thursday I get an email from a particular girl who I have hated for many years who wanted to friend request me on Facebook. Now, normally just seeing this girl's name would send me into pissed off mode. Yet, I found it didn't bother me. I realized it was one more thing to be free of since we split apart. She sent a very nice message complimenting me on my writing and she offered to show me how I could possibly make money doing what I love. That she knows it seems odd but she's been in my shoes and just wants to help me. A few back and forth, numbers are exchanged, address is given and I have a date with my most hated enemy for Saturday.

Saturday rolls around and with slight trepidation I head to her house, kids in tow. We show up and there's initial awkwardness but nothing crazy or uncomfortable. Both of us would kind of look at each, laugh nervously and say "This is crazy fucked up right now." She offered me a beer and I took it whole heartedly. We sat outside, chatted a bit about this and that. As the night wore on, more alcohol was consumed, we were laughing and having a great time. We re-introduced ourselves to one another since we both are so different now. We never did talk about the writing, but that will come soon.

Real quick, I'll just say that this was the ultimate test for me. Like Fate said.. "Ok here is an opportunity, but it's going to come in the form of your most hated person. What do you do? Do you hang on to your pride and turn your back on something that can be beneficial and life affirming? Or, are you going to swallow your pride, humble yourself and look at not WHO is offering you this gift, but on the gift itself?" It was an amazing experience to have because I know from the way I chose, my head is on straight.

Now on to the emotional raping.

The reason why this girl is my most hated enemy is because Tony cheated on me with her. I know he did. Tony? He has denied it for years. From the day we got back together, through our whole relationship. He would tell me to get over it already, he didn't start sleeping with her until after we broke up, why was I obsessed with it, why am I so insecure. He made me feel crazy. He made me feel like I was an insecure girl. He made me feel like shit.

It was true.

While Mel was talking, she said something that proved it. She said it in a way that made it seem she had NO idea I didn't know. I didn't even say anything when it came out. I just took the snippet of conversation and stored it in my pocket for when I needed it. I needed it yesterday. It all came out. He basically mind fucked me for 14 years. The lie became a part of our family. It sat with us at the dinner table, it laid between us in bed. Everytime I would cringe when he touched me I now know it was because I felt that lie.

I feel sick. Hurt. Angry.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Getting There

Tony and I are actually talking more now than when we were still together. It's getting better. More comfortable, less poking at each other. If one of us says something that might set the other off, we quickly clarify it's meaning. It's kind of a shame that we couldn't do that, well that I couldn't do that ,when we were together. I just take it as proof that we were so unhappy. It's kind of like you treat strangers nicer than your own family. It's a shame but it's true.

I'm honestly ok with this seperation/divorce. I never have fantasies about us getting back together. Now, I just think how it awesome it will be if we can ever get to a point where his new family and my new family can maybe go on vacations together. With hard work and dedication to our children I can honestly say we can get there.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

How Did We Get Here

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well.
But, how did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Decode by Paramore

When I got my Iphone a few weeks after the "big day" I used this song as my ringtone. Just a constant, everday reminder that my life was a big ball of suck.

Yesterday, I changed it to a punk version of "Umbrella" So there you go. Now I get nice happy tune.. er um as long I don't listen to the lyrics that are actually very romantic and sweet. DAMN IT!

Anyway, how did we get here? There are so many different answers. None of them really matter though. None of it can be changed. We can go back to the first day and see where circumstances and events pushed us together and consequently to this place.

I know through my writing I paint Tony as a villain. I have to say that these are my feelings that I write, but I don't think of him as a villain. Obviously, this is my version of the story. No side is right or wrong.

One thing I do want to make clear is that I love Tony very much. I think I always will. He will always be the father of my children no matter how annoyed he makes me or how angry. Our marriage wasn't a mistake because we got two beautiful gifts out of it. We were young and we grew apart. That is all there is too it.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I Absolve Thee...

This post may be scattered but I'm just going to go with it. Who knows, it may come out quite structured and concise. I doubt it, but you never know.

My time is ticking and it's crazy. I only have about 2 months until Tony comes home and about about 3 until I move home. My feelings can be anything at any given moment but overall the feeling is one of acceptance. Sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's exhilerating, sometimes it's just meh. Through it all though is acceptance. I accept these challenges, these feelings, this time in my life. I embrace it all, sometimes with fervor, sometimes grudgingly, sometimes while I cry in pain. What else can one do? We can either cling to what we have and move forward, or we can cling to what we don't and stay behind. I'd rather move on thank you very much.

Our cautious foray into "friends" territory is confusing. You can't suddenly erase 17 years of constant companionship. One second it's like nothing is wrong, cracking jokes over the phone about everyday things, and then the next something is said to make it all too clear it was nothing more than a mirage, a semblance of the old times.

He called on Saturday to talk about the kids, I needed to ask him a question about his trip with the kids when he gets home, something about the dogs and what we would do with them since I plan on visiting a friend during that time. We start talking and the cycle I mentioned in my previous post starts. Good natured joking, needless teasing, outright poking, then argument. Calm. Rinse and Repeat until your eyes are puffy and your nose is running.

Basically what Tony needed right then is for me to accept my part in this failed marriage. Which I thought I had done a million times in many different ways. Over the phone, email and chat. I really didn't understand WHAT he wanted from me. Finally, crying and confused, distraught and drained I sobbed "Just TELL me the words that you need to hear from me so you can STOP making me feel like shit. Tell me what you WANT. I thought I have done all that I could to tell you that I accept my part! Do you want blood? Should I slit my wrist and give you that? WHAT?!? What the FUCK do you WANT from me? You made this choice, yet you rub my nose in it constantly as if it's my mistake."

It was the closest I came to begging through all this. I wasn't begging for him to come back or to love me. I was begging him to RELEASE me from this shit. Get me out of this emotional quagmire that I did not make. At this point, we're living the life he asked for. We're living apart. Not just physically since he's so far away, but apart, spiritually, emotionally and not as man and wife. He wanted that, he got it. Why am I being punished?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

That title is the name of a Dixie Chicks song, the only country music I listen too just because the lead singers voice is like smokey butter. Funny, the first time I heard them was when my sister, Michelle came to visit us the first time we lived in Virginia and I was pregnant with Aislinn and didn't know it at the time. We were living in a ghetto ass apartment complex in Norfolk. She would play the fucking CD every time she showered and so she would get through the first five songs and I never heard the rest of the CD. Anyway, that's not the point of this here scratchins' (Country accent to match the music)

I chose it because it's an apt description of the situation I found myself in with Tony this week. We decided to be friends or "make nice". It started off ok, it ended horribly. Like crash and burn bad. Like back to square one bad. Like... just... ugh so fucking bad.

It started off friendly with pleasantries. Then jokes. Then the jokes turned sarcastic. Then pokes at one another. Then jabs. Then OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING SUCK, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Yeah it got ugly. It only took us a week to get back to there.

Not Ready To Make Nice
Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

Friday, April 30, 2010

The Things I Do Miss

Even though I do not miss Tony per se, there are things I do miss about being a married couple. There is always a secret language that each married couple share. Each couple have their routines and their inside jokes. Sometimes those little things crop up and I think "Awww I'll probably never discuss that again."

Take for instance today before I left for the bus stop. I hurriedly gulped the rest of my coffee down before walking out the door. Had Tony been here he would have gone with me to the bus stop and taken his coffee with him. We would joke about my guzzling since I feel the air outside compromises the taste of the coffee. When it hits the outside air something happens and it makes it taste funny to me. He thought I was crazy, I swore he had numb taste buds and we'd laugh about it every single time.

Another thing is everytime we leave the house I make sure he has the keys about fifty times before I close the door. Fifty times he'd reassure yes, he had the keys. Then when we got out of the car, I'd insist on seeing the keys before closing the door. He'd show me. When we would get back to the car, I would panic and ask "You have the keys right?" He was always patient about that. And now I get to have those freak outs on my own.

I'm ok with that. You know, right now I'm enjoying my carefree life more than I imagined I would. My therapist asked me if I missed him, and I thought long and hard for about half a minute and I said "Honestly, no." A part of me feels so fucking guilty for not missing him. Like, why? What is wrong with me? My marriage is over, not even by own hand, why don't I care more than I do?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Over It

Yeah you read that right.



Yes, people. That is the truth. For now.

I realize that can change. I'm human. I still get sad, but I never really get sad over HIM. I get sad about leaving my home because for 11 years I lived with white walls and beige carpet. Finally.. FINALLY!! got to paint and pick and choose what goes in my house and now I must leave and live in a place with white walls and beige carpet once again.

I get sad when I think of the people I'll leave behind. My little bus stop crew and Cindy, Brecken and Larkin. The kids in the 'hood who call out "Hi Miss Sandi" when they see me.

I get sad when I think about how next year was going to be THE year. The first year both kids were in school full time and I could concentrate on volunteering and going to field trips. Now, I'll be a working mom trying to fit everything on my plate.

I get sad when I think about my kids growing up in a broken home.

I get sad knowing that he gets the cats.

I get sad because I feel like I failed at the one thing I was kind of good at.

So, yeah I get sad. I get choked up. Sometimes I even have to fight back the tears. Not because of losing him, but for all the little indignities that come along with a divorce.

With each negative though, I remind myself of a positive.

Yes, I will have to move to a new home, but it will be MINE. It will no one elses choice but my own. I get a bed to myself, no facial hair in the sink, and no uniform on my end table. EVER AGAIN.

Yes, I'm leaving people behind, but I'm coming home to many too. People I've known my whole life and who I love dearly.

Yes, I will have to work but that opens up a slew of new people to meet. Have work friends. Find some other single ladies and go dancing and get free drinks from men.

Yes, my kids will living in a broken home but a happy home with a happy mom and yes, a happy dad. Grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins nearby.

Yes, he'll get the cats but I get the dogs. They poop and pee outside.

No, I did not fail at the one thing I was good at. I'm good at a lot more than being someone's wife. Now I get to show that side of me as well.

I am strong. That sounds incredibly vain I know but it's the truth. A friend once said "Fire can forge steel or melt butter." Truer words have never been spoken.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Finding Out What I Need

It's been interesting to realize what it is I've been missing in my life. It's not love, I thought I had that. No matter what he says now, there was love there. It's not security. I can give that to myself with the help of child support. It's not having a partner to live with. Helllo? Deployments? 'Nuff said. Not sex. Ok a little bit sex, it's been awhile but not what I'm getting at here. It's not someone telling me I'm beautiful. Tony was always good with telling me I was beautiful and sexy and the stuff of men's dreams come to life. I will always credit him for helping me build my self-esteem up to the point of being borderline obnoxious about it. If there was anything that man was good at, other than being in the Navy, was making a girl feel wanted.

No, I realize what I've been craving. It's something simple, something I didn't realize I missed so much.

Conversations. Words. BIG words! Talking. Those who know me know I like to talk and tell stories. I have kept inside here at home.

My ex is an intelligient man. I don't know how many times he has both surprised and delighted me with the things he's created from the scraps around the house. I had a live in McGyver. Pool filter not working to it's optimum level? He fixed it. Laptop cord isn't working right? Out comes the sautering gun and bam. Fixed. He loved to putter. He loved to sit in the shed and just fix and create and that was awesome. With that though meant... he wasn't much of a talker.

I accepted this about him. He was smart in so many ways, but even by his own admissions, not with words. As time went on, I slowly started to tuck away my "five dollar" words as not to make him feel dumb. Words that came naturally to me during an argument would just end up pissing him off because he felt I was talking down to him. His simple style of talking became the norm in our family and it was ok.

I love words. I love the way certain words roll off the tongue. There is nothing more satisfying to me than fitting into a sentence a word that is not commonly used. It's as if I hear a satisfying click, like when you've found the right puzzle piece to make it all complete. I miss the fun back and forth of a witty conversation.

I'm rusty. I feel it coming back though. I've always been a talker. Too much of a talker some might say. I feel the words again and it's a good feeling. I missed them.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I've Been Warned

I swear, if I hear the word "vulnerable" one more time, I'm going to off myself. Seriously. I get it. Yes, in most situations, a woman in my position would be *gag* vulnerable. But, I'm too level headed, too bossy, to0 controlling, too much of a fraidy cat, to allow myself to be too vulnerable.

I'm lucky though. When I was a teen, I had something happen to me that made me realize how precarious it is to be a woman. It wasn't anything serious. Just a date pushing his liberties too far. In those moments I felt like a caged rabbit being eyed by a hungry fox. It had started to rain and we had to pull over underneath an overpass as it was dark and raining too hard to see. The whole night had been awkward. He pretty much wanted to make out the whole night and I wanted to chat. I found him a bit of an intellectual and when he went away to college I had a mad crush on him but was attatched. When he came back, I envisioned us sitting in a coffee shop talking about adult things. Not having his tongue rammed down my throat from the moment he picked me up from my house.

While we sat underneath that overpass, he inched forward slowly, hand on my thigh, arm around my shoulders, plump lips heading toward mine, I felt panicked. I liked kissing as much as the next girl, but this was getting to be a bit much. He whispered in my ear that he would like it if I snuck him into my house, that he really wanted me and that I was so hot. His kisses got harder, his hands got a little rougher. I kept saying No he couldn't come over, no I wasn't going to have sex with him. No No NO

Finally, he broke out of his lust frenzied state and realized the rain had died down and took me home. He didn't call me again and unfortunately, I had asked him to prom. We got there and went our seperate ways. He left with someone else and I was stuck scrambling around for a ride.

My point to this story is this. I was not even 18 at the time and was more of an emotional mess then. Now I'm 33, with two kids, and a new life within my grasp. I'm not going to fuck it up. I promise.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Who Am I?

Yesterday, I went shopping at a clothing store I frequent regularly. As I was walking around, I started to panic a bit. I started thinking "How is this new me supposed to dress? What kind of clothes does a smoking hot divorcee wear without looking like a total slut?" All of a sudden my normal "mom gear" I would have gravitated toward (Khaki bermuda shorts and bright t-shirts) didn't feel right anymore. Not only am I stepping forward into a new life, I've lost a lot of weight. I don't want to be that stereotypical former fat girl trying to show every ounce of flesh she can and not get arrested, but I don't want to be boring anymore. I don't want to wear denim capris. Or khaki capris. Fuck it, I don't want to wear capris anymore. What are with those anyway? What a ridiculous length of pants!


Even though it started with clothing, it opened up a whole new conversation with myself as I was trying things on in the dressing room. Who am I? I used to be wife and mother. I'm still mother for sure. No longer wife. I'm ok with that, but I've been wife longer than mother. I've been "Tony's girl" for more than half my life. The prospect of being just Sandi is both amazing and terrifying. I want to it, but still a part of me doesn't. Why? Because it will be hard.

Once a few years ago, my dad told me that I never do anything that's hard. I will always choose to do things the easy way. Even though I hated to hear it, but he was right. Since then, I've tried not to take the easy route in most things. This is the hard route, but I'm willing to take it. Granted the intital decision wasn't mine, but I'll take it now gladly. I am holding the golden ticket and just like Charlie Bucket, I'm going to have good things come from it.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Breaking It To The Kids

Telling the kids of a seperation/divorce I always assumed would be hard. The way I saw it going down in my head was that Tony and I would sit down when he got back from deployment and talk to them about it. The thing is, kids aren't fools and we find ourselves in an odd situation. What other conclusion can you come to when mom is on the phone asking "What about the lawn mower? Can I take that or what? Ok, great. Well, what is your deal? What DO YOU want? Just tell me! What do you mean personal things?!? Just your clothes?"

So, yeah that's how our kids got to find out. While Tony and I were on the phone trying to figure all this out. I feel like a heel, yet really what could I do? He's halfway around the world, the time difference is crazy and I tried to call when they were outside playing. You know how kids are, when you need privacy they come after you like hungry wolves circling the kill. They have an innate sense of when to come in at the worst possible time. It works in almost every situation from when you want to use the bathroom, to when you want to grab a quick afternoon delight, and when you're discussing with your ex how he can keep the fucking patio set because you've always hated it anyway.

Aislinn, of course cried her eyes out. While Tony was on the phone I tried to console her. She immediately asked if we were moving. I said yes. She cried harder. Tony asked to talk to her, and I told her and she refused to talk to him. I explained we had to move. I gave her positives to why we had to move all of which she negated. Tony asked to speak to her again, she refused once more and then reconsidered. She said "I will talk to him if he tells me we don't have to move." and I said "Honey, he's not going to say that." she bawled more. I hissed something on the phone to Tony that was unpleasant and hung up on him. I had no time to worry about his feelings, my baby was hurting.

The crying didn't last long. Jonny of course was oblivious. They went about their day and played outside.

Yesterday I worked in the yard. At one point, Aislinn stopped in her play to say hi to me and hang out for a moment. She asked what I was doing, and why I was doing it because being the innocent child she is, why do work if you could do something else? I saw this as a good opportunity to get a sense of what she is feeling. I asked her if she was ok. She said yes. She said something about her dad that wasn't very positive. I told her she should NEVER say that about her dad. She looked at me and said "But, I thought you would want me to."

Oh my little baby. How she hurts. I explained that I never, ever would expect her to dislike her dad or be mad at him for anything. That what is going on? That is between me and dad and nothing to do with her and her brother. That I would not expect her ever to be mad at him for my sake. That she never has to choose sides. That we both love her fully and unconditionally and we will BOTH be there for her, even if we live apart. I told her that her dad loves her very much. That by loving her father she is not being disloyal to me, and by loving me she is not being disloyal to him. We both have her best interest at heart and nothing more.

She took this all in a quiet way. Sitting there on the ground, head down, hair falling in her face. My sensitive girl, the girl who hates change, having to deal with such a monumental event in her life. I asked her if she felt funny talking about it and she said she did. I told her that if she ever needed to talk or anything she knows she can come to me or her dad and we'll explain it the best we can. She said ok and then looked up at me and said "I do have a question." Feeling a little better that she's talking I excitedly said "Ok! Great! Sure. What is the question?" She got quiet for a second, and then blurted out "Is ok if I'm mad at him anyway?"

My heart broke in a million pieces. I assured her it was ok. That she is allowed to feel anyway she wants.

My poor baby.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Like Ripples In A Pond

When people divorce it ripples and affects people you don't initially think about. Of course, the now seperating couple is affected and of course their children.

Through all this right now I'm not worried about me. I've been given a blessing in disguise. I of course worry about my children, but I think in the end they'll be ok. The one I keep going back to is my dad.

My dad had three daughters and I am the oldest. The first one to do everything, including having a serious boyfriend. A boyfriend he didn't care for at all. The boyfriend that took his little girl's virginity and who eventually became her live in boyfriend, her fiance, her husband. As the the years passed he and Tony had become good friends. Almost to the point where it was uncomfortable for me since my father and I didn't have the best of relationships.

I hurt for my dad. Not only is he hurting because I'm hurting and my kids are hurting, he is hurting also because he lost his son. His fishing buddy. When Tony and I visited home and stayed with my parents, they were always downstairs, watching some stupid movie together and talking about fishing. My sisters were jealous of the relationship that my dad had with Tony that my dad didn't necessarily have with their men. He often chose Tony's side over mine, lectured me on how I should treat him, and relied on Tony to help him with most mechanical things.

It's hard to fathom how deep this all goes. How one or two or three decisions greatly alters the lives all around us.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Let Freedom Ring....

I think it's natural when first faced with the fact that your spouse wants out of the marriage is to be shocked. You want to cling on. Convince them to stay for you, for the kids, for your history, for the Easter Bunny. You'll pull out guilt, anger, indifference anything to get some type of reaction.

I went through all that. But, then.. I felt a new feeling... freedom. For 12 years, my life has been dictated by the all might Navy. This third party entity that controlled every aspect of our lives. I blindly did what the AMN told me to do without a second thought. I moved when AMN told me too and where to move. I've lived in crappy apartments and shitty neighborhoods when it was all we could afford in cities most people wouldn't live in unless they were made to. I had our first child without the support of my husband. I never got to go to child birthing classes with him, or register for our baby shower with him, or decorate a nursery or go to an ultrasound together. Because AMN needed him, and as a good Navy Wife, I was to shut my mouth and deal.

As life moved on I realized that the needs of AMN was never going to go away. It's seriously the only legal form of Polygamy in this country. You kind of get used to having half a husband. One that can be gone for half a year and when he is home is so exhausted by duty days and PT from when he's spent time with the "other wife". You shoo the kids away as he passes out in front of some show you made sure to record for him. You learn to never agree to make plans without doing the "Navy math" in your head and you learn that even after doing the Navy Math it could all change. You learn to swallow the bitter pills, not realizing that those bitter pills will take root in your belly and eventually bloom into bursts of anger you will take out on your husband. Who else can you complain to? Is it fair? No, but it's how it worked.

Eventually, you find life is easier with him gone. When forced to depend on no one but yourself, you find that fall into a routine that is screwed up when he's home. More bitterness on both parts and you're both starting to not know each other. The wife gets more involved in outside things, commitees, volunteering, mom groups usually started during a deployment to pass the time yet, carried on even when he is back. When you were once there all the time to support his dream, you're harder to find. Not home when you used to be. Not answering your cell because you left it in the car while at the park. Little things like that.

It's not anyone's fault and it's how you handle it that makes or breaks it. Tony, well he didn't handle it well and he broke my heart. Yet, I can't seem to shake the feeling of happiness once the sadness wore off. I find myself smiling all the time because for once I can make all my own decisions. How I feel during deployments? I can feel like that all the time. It's the most freeing feeling in the world.