Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Not the Post I thought I'd Be Writing Today

Originally, my plan was to write about my wonderful weekend I had with an unexpected person that came into my life. It was meant to be light hearted and fun and a way to show that opportunities come in the strangest ways and are you going to take them or get stuck on who the gift giver is.

Instead, I'll probably go on about emotional rape. Yes, I just said emotional RAPE. A mind fuck if you will. A 14 year long mind fuck.

I have had the most emotional fucking 24 hours since this whole fucking seperation began. If I thought it couldn't get any worse, it has and I feel shittier now than when it all first started.

On Thursday I get an email from a particular girl who I have hated for many years who wanted to friend request me on Facebook. Now, normally just seeing this girl's name would send me into pissed off mode. Yet, I found it didn't bother me. I realized it was one more thing to be free of since we split apart. She sent a very nice message complimenting me on my writing and she offered to show me how I could possibly make money doing what I love. That she knows it seems odd but she's been in my shoes and just wants to help me. A few back and forth, numbers are exchanged, address is given and I have a date with my most hated enemy for Saturday.

Saturday rolls around and with slight trepidation I head to her house, kids in tow. We show up and there's initial awkwardness but nothing crazy or uncomfortable. Both of us would kind of look at each, laugh nervously and say "This is crazy fucked up right now." She offered me a beer and I took it whole heartedly. We sat outside, chatted a bit about this and that. As the night wore on, more alcohol was consumed, we were laughing and having a great time. We re-introduced ourselves to one another since we both are so different now. We never did talk about the writing, but that will come soon.

Real quick, I'll just say that this was the ultimate test for me. Like Fate said.. "Ok here is an opportunity, but it's going to come in the form of your most hated person. What do you do? Do you hang on to your pride and turn your back on something that can be beneficial and life affirming? Or, are you going to swallow your pride, humble yourself and look at not WHO is offering you this gift, but on the gift itself?" It was an amazing experience to have because I know from the way I chose, my head is on straight.

Now on to the emotional raping.

The reason why this girl is my most hated enemy is because Tony cheated on me with her. I know he did. Tony? He has denied it for years. From the day we got back together, through our whole relationship. He would tell me to get over it already, he didn't start sleeping with her until after we broke up, why was I obsessed with it, why am I so insecure. He made me feel crazy. He made me feel like I was an insecure girl. He made me feel like shit.

It was true.

While Mel was talking, she said something that proved it. She said it in a way that made it seem she had NO idea I didn't know. I didn't even say anything when it came out. I just took the snippet of conversation and stored it in my pocket for when I needed it. I needed it yesterday. It all came out. He basically mind fucked me for 14 years. The lie became a part of our family. It sat with us at the dinner table, it laid between us in bed. Everytime I would cringe when he touched me I now know it was because I felt that lie.

I feel sick. Hurt. Angry.

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