I swear, if I hear the word "vulnerable" one more time, I'm going to off myself. Seriously. I get it. Yes, in most situations, a woman in my position would be *gag* vulnerable. But, I'm too level headed, too bossy, to0 controlling, too much of a fraidy cat, to allow myself to be too vulnerable.
I'm lucky though. When I was a teen, I had something happen to me that made me realize how precarious it is to be a woman. It wasn't anything serious. Just a date pushing his liberties too far. In those moments I felt like a caged rabbit being eyed by a hungry fox. It had started to rain and we had to pull over underneath an overpass as it was dark and raining too hard to see. The whole night had been awkward. He pretty much wanted to make out the whole night and I wanted to chat. I found him a bit of an intellectual and when he went away to college I had a mad crush on him but was attatched. When he came back, I envisioned us sitting in a coffee shop talking about adult things. Not having his tongue rammed down my throat from the moment he picked me up from my house.
While we sat underneath that overpass, he inched forward slowly, hand on my thigh, arm around my shoulders, plump lips heading toward mine, I felt panicked. I liked kissing as much as the next girl, but this was getting to be a bit much. He whispered in my ear that he would like it if I snuck him into my house, that he really wanted me and that I was so hot. His kisses got harder, his hands got a little rougher. I kept saying No he couldn't come over, no I wasn't going to have sex with him. No No NO
Finally, he broke out of his lust frenzied state and realized the rain had died down and took me home. He didn't call me again and unfortunately, I had asked him to prom. We got there and went our seperate ways. He left with someone else and I was stuck scrambling around for a ride.
My point to this story is this. I was not even 18 at the time and was more of an emotional mess then. Now I'm 33, with two kids, and a new life within my grasp. I'm not going to fuck it up. I promise.
I always feel weird that I care less about things people tell me I should care about more. I think it comes with perspective. Like, I could be really bummed that I'm not getting child support but I also don't have to deal with a dipshit ex husband flaking off on me every turn. And like dating. People tell me al the time "when are you going to date? it's not good for a girl to be single!" wtf? I happen to really LIKE being single. Does that mean something is wrong with me?? I hate when people tell me how I SHOULD feel or what I SHOULD do. I want to scream "I'm not an idiot, I CAN figure that shit out on my own!"
ReplyDeleteGo on with your empowered self. No need to be a victim! Besides, no one likes people with the victim complex. They don't get invited to all the cool parties later on lol. I still think in 10 years I'll be sitting in a cafe reading your self help book for real women and telling people "I KNEW HER BEFORE SHE WAS ON OPRAH!!" :D
BTW, even if you DO fuck something up along the way,chalk it up to a learning experience.
You are doing great. Seriously. You motivate me to want to do more!