Monday, September 13, 2010


In the quiet I find my mind wandering to the future. It's so open ended right now, anything can happen and it's all kinds of awesome to think about. Before it seemed my life was pretty much set. Married, two kids, two dogs, a loving husband (so I thought) a new home and all that was left was to live out my life in familial bliss, surrounded by the ones that I loved the most.

Now, I don't know where life is going to lead me, and I kind of can't wait, which is amazing coming from a person who hates change as much as she hates getting up early and almost as much as she hates cleaning house. Sometimes, I wish I had the script of my life, just so I could take a quick peek to see what's coming up for me and the children. I know it will be hard, and I know at times I'll be frustrated, but above all else I know it will be GOOD. How do I know that? Because it's good now.

I'll never deny my devastation when this all first came about. I'll never forget how awful I felt, how I felt utterly alone, and how I was so upset I gave myself dry heaves on more than one occcasion. How I was sure that after a week he'd call and say he was sorry, ok after two week, after three weeks. At the three week mark is when I kind of started to move forward. Looking back, three weeks isn't very long, and that in itself is a good indication on how much I was fooling myself into thinking that my marriage was ok.

Now there are so many paths open to me, even if I'm not at a place where I can choose one. Sometimes, a random thought will pop into my head like... "I could have a real honeymoon if I get married again." or " What if I have another baby?" Then, sometimes it's "I never have to be tied to a man again if I don't want to." or "There's nothing wrong with a string of lovers right?" or "Maybe in two years I can buy my OWN house!." or "I GUESS I could go to school at some point." (Obviously, not high on my list. God I hate school. )

Most of the things I think about are positive in their way because no matter what life brings me at this point is going to be positive, even if I can't see it in the moment. Just like this divorce. When it happened, it was pain 24/7 for awhile, but the pain brought positivity and happiness in a way I never though I'd experience. I look forward to more of that in my future. Ok, maybe not so much the PAIN part, I don't look forward to THAT, I'm not that sick, but you know what I mean.

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