Tuesday, June 12, 2012

And it was Exactly What it Needed to Be

Your journey has molded you for your greater good.
And it was exactly what it needed to be.
Don't think that you've lost time.
It took each and every
Situation you have encountered
to bring you to the now.
And now is right on time
~Asha Tyson~
A friend of mine sent me this yesterday and I love it and I love that someone knew I needed a reminder.  She sent me a picture of this on a card and I cropped the picture and used it as the wallpaper on my phone so I could see it and remember it and try to keep it to heart when I feel stressed.
A lot of my stress is self-inflicted because I've gotten away from my reaffirming statements that I relied so heavily upon when I was going through major stuff.  I guess I figured that because my problems seemed small in comparison to the big problems from before, that I didn't need to remind myself to remain positive, live in the moment and never look back.  The thing with little problems is that they have a tendency to multiply and next thing you know you're unknowingly being suffocated by them.
I'm going to try harder to live in the moment and to remember that this moment is how it should be.  Always.  Nothing changes that.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Being Mom

I think once you become a parent, your automatic default emotion is guilt.  Pure guilt.  Before you had kids, the only person you were screwing up was yourself.  You'd dust yourself off and keep moving.  Yet, now you have to not only keep yourself alive and fed you have to do the same for these other little people who can NOT do it themselves.  If I'm hungry, I eat. If they're hungry, I feed them.  If I don't.... you know.. they like, get taken from you and given to people who WILL feed them.

That's a lot of pressure.

From the moment your children are brought forth into this world,  you have to put yourself on the back burner and focus on them.  Some people are great at this, some aren't.  The majority of us I think, float somewhere in the middle.  We do some things right, we do some things wrong.  No matter what we do, right or wrong, we still feel guilty.

This doubles I think once you become a single parent. There are a whole slew of extra things that other married parents don't have to think about.  This isn't a "Yeah single moms rock!" kind of thing I'm getting at. All moms rock.  Most dads do, too.  I just find myself thinking about things to worry with the kids that I've never worried about before.  Is Jonathan afraid of everything because his dad isn't around as much as he was before?  Is Aislinn going to hook up with some grease ball asshole when she goes to high school because I wasn't there for her like I should have been during her teen years?  Will they end up on a therapists couch saying things like "My mom did the best she could, but it wasn't enough.  She wasn't THERE for me." 

This all came about because last night, during MY weekend with the kids, I went to dinner.  Not even with a guy. I went to an adult only dinner with my family.  I felt terrible the whole time.  I felt like I ripping them off of quality time with mom, even though they live with me and spend most their time with me anyway, even though I never plan things when they're with me usually, even though had I stayed home, we wouldn't have done much of anything anyway.

I don't know what I'm really trying to say here. I think I'm trying to say that I'm trying and I hope the kids can see that. I also see that sometimes, I could probably cut myself some slack. Today, we didn't go anywhere or do anything special. We all just did our own thing. I did some cleaning, some reading and they did whatever. It was quiet, it was peaceful. I felt like shit. This is something I never worried about being a married stay at home mom. I never worried about spending every free moment doing fun stuff.  Realistically, I know that it's impossible to keep them entertained 24-7, if anything because of the amount of energy this would take and lets not even talk about the impact it would have on my wallet.

I have really great kids.   I'm still trying to find my bearings in life and I'm trying to keep them from being collateral damage in what me and my ex screwed up, yet they take all this in stride like champs.   It's been two years and with each passing month, life seems to even itself out.  I'm still trying to figure out what I want out of life and what I need to do for myself to be a better person, woman and mom.  I try to focus on the good things I've managed to accomplish with the help of family and friends.  Yet, I still walk around, waiting for the other shoe to drop and the floor to come out from under my feet.  It's an awful way to feel and I know the kids feel it, too.

Without them though, I'd be nothing.  I'd have nothing.  I love them more than words can express and I want them to know that.  Our divorce has changed them for the positive, too.  Both of them thank me profusely for taking them to the pool yesterday despite my rules before going. (If you ask for food, we're leaving. If you ask for a soda, we're leaving.  If you say you're bored and there is no one to play with, we're leaving!)   They now appreciate the small things like going to Five Guys Burger and Fries for dinner for great report cards, when in the past fast food was expected anytime we left the house.  A trip to the library is cause for great excitment!

I know that no matter what life throws at me, I'll get through it, because I have to for them.  I may not get through it gracefully, but even if I get through it kicking and screaming and crying, I did it.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Bringing in the New

My last post got me thinking about what I can do to make something new happen.  I believe that you get what you give, and I know I'm stuck in my comfort zone.  I've been racking my brain and I can't think of anything.  What do I want to do?  I don't know.  I really, really don't know and this scares me, because it means I really am THAT boring.

I'm doing what I like to do.  I read.  I watch tv.  I play on Facebook. I read some more.  I play Words with Friends.  I read again.  I look forward to my trips to the library and I enjoy sitting on my couch, cup of coffee by my side and a good book in my hands or with my kids and mom doing whatever we found to do for fun that day.

I worry that I'm doing this because it's easy. Will I wake up five years from now, eyes blurry from five years of reading, wondering why the hell I wasted so much time?  I can't dispute that fact that I'm content. I'm HAPPY doing this. 

The first year after my seperation, I was on the go a LOT.  A friend of mine in Virginia was newly single, too.  We were both stay at home moms, and she lived on the beach.  Me and the kids spent most of our spare time there.  It was constant go, go, go and my phone was constantly "ding ding"ing from the various men I was talking with at the time.  I needed to be stay distracted so I didn't have to feel the pain that was bubbling just under the surface of my super happy fun time facade. 

I kind of did things backwards and right now I'm in my pensive, reflective mode.   I think I'll get back out there when I'm ready and I have no idea when that will be.  Right now is my time for finding out who I am and what I want to do.  I have to remember that nothing is set in stone and I don't need to make life determining decision right now.  I'm just going to BE.  I'm going to breathe and live and mother and work and love my family and laugh with my friends.  I'm going to read until my eyeballs fall out of my head.  I'm going to rewatch Battlestart Galactica and watch House from season one.  I'm going to be quiet and paint my nails and wonder at what life has in store for me.  I'm going to go to church and pray and learn and grow.  I'm going to request classics from the library I think I need to read and then return them when I can't get through them.  I'm going to follow Stephen King's career starting with "Carrie" and ending with "Wind through the Keyhole"  I'm going to cook and clean and fold the laundry, but not put it away.  I'm going to sit by the pool and watch my kids being kids.  I'm going to make a lot of trips to QT for Arnold Palmers.  I'm going to make iced coffee by the gallons and do the photo a day on Instagram and post a lot on Facebook, no matter how pathetic it makes me seem.  I'm going to make Aislinn draw me pictures and take away the Wiimote from Jonny so I can crash some cars on the game, too.

Now that I think about it.  I've got a lot going on after all.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Nuttin' Honey

Dad: " How's life?  Anything new?"
Me: "Nope"

And that pretty much sums it all up right there. 

I'm kind of ready for something new to happen.