I was laying in my bed just now, switching between Angry Birds (it's not called that because the birds are angry, it's because you get PISSED AS FUCK and google how to beat levels out of desperation and finding a video that shows the exact thing you've tried 568 times and failed) texting my sister through a crisis, and perusing Facebook and it just kind of hit me. My ex is taking my kids for like 2 weeks. What the hell am I going to do?
I actually started to cry. Ok, sure there have been times when I've fantasized about having my kids sent to boarding school only to visit me at Christmas and Easter, greeting me with a cold peck on the cheek and calling me "mummy". I think all moms have had that fantasy a time or two. I've even left my children. I'm not an overly sentimental mom who can't leave her kids behind. Even when they were babies. If a stranger came up to me and said "Hey I'll watch your kids while you go get a pedi." I would probably actually consider it before saying no. Just weighing my options. My toes need painting!
This is something different though. They will be gone, away from home. With their father yes, but not my husband. Does that make sense? They'll be doing a family vacation, even with MY dogs, without me, and there lies the root of the matter. WITHOUT ME. I am being the one left behind. I am the one who is not welcome on this excursion of famial delight. That freaks me the fuck out. It breaks my already black heart a bit more. I'll be completely and utterly alone... except for the five days I'll be visiting a friend. I don't even know how I'll get to the airport. Sad trombone Wah.. Wah.. WAAAAHHHHH.
Speaking of friends, I got into a big blow out with my closest one here in VA. What bothers me the most is that I feel completely and utterly used by this person. We got into a fight and I can't help but feel bitter about it. Because of course it's during MY time of need. When I finally needed HER for a change, needed her to help me get through this tough time I have going on right now of facing my husband, she forbids me to come to her house because I spoke my mind. I'm terribly hurt and I feel terribly used. Now my one support is no longer there after she used me for support for months. My plan was to stay with her while Tony did all he had to do here at the house. Maybe it's just a sign that I need to stay here and face it head on and not run away? That's my positive spin on it. That's me the last few months. Sandi, the silver lining hunter. What's funny is I used to be a pretty negative person, and this whole situation has made me look for the good or go crazy. For that I am thankful. See? Another silver lining. I do it without trying now.