Sunday, March 27, 2011

Right now, it's 9:30 and the kids aren't in bed yet. Why? Because I've lost track of time because I was busy getting a few things set up for the week food wise. Just things to make life easier when in a rush. They're getting bathed now. They won't be in bed for another hour. My days off have been split because of being short staffed. So, I get Tuesdays and Sundays off and I never feel rested. Granted, Saturdays are from 8:30 to 1, but I'm still work hungover from Friday when I work 6:45 am until 5 pm. Today was grocery shopping and dollar movie because I feel bad keeping the kids home all weekend when they don't get to spend so much time with me during the week like they're used to. My house is a wreck and I have to spend the rest of the night cleaning and straightening so my mom doesn't have a heart attack when she comes over tomorrow. I have to also get tomorrows dinner ready to go in the crock pot before I go to bed. I have about three loads of laundry to fold. My mom gave me her notice, so I have to think about before and after care for my kids starting soon. Where is the money going to come from? Ex hasn't called the kids in over three weeks. The most disturbing part about this is that the kids seem used to it. You may think I'm whining, but honestly my life is so full and happy right now, all of this is welcomed and I'm extremely proud of myself. So.. gotcha.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Embrace the Journey

Ah what can I say that hasn't already been said before? Oh wait! Yes, new!! I totally forgot!

I got divorce papers in the mail the other day.

See how easily I forget about them? They're in my car, just THERE. Again, I was expecting some big emotional blow out on my part. Oh, I was mad at his proposed paltry sum he offered. I was SPITTING mad to tell the truth, but in true "new" Sandi fashion he got two texts. Just two. No phone call, no constant stream of insults via text (Although, I did insult, just not with a constant stream, I mean I'm only human). I voiced my disgust and my shock at what he felt was acceptable. Come to find out that the lawyers sent the wrong papers. The discussion we had last week I think, where I explained to him the amount I needed to survive, he took it to heart and had them add more. Not as much as I wanted, but it's still decent. I'll still check with a lawyer to be safe.

So, yeah. Divorce papers. No big emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I wonder, what in the HELL is wrong with me? Maybe, it's been a year, so I'm over it now? Maybe our marriage really was THAT bad but I was too blind to see it? How can I claim to have loved a man so much and then be over our marriage in less than a year? Am I Cylon? OMG I AM a cylon! I knew it! Can I be Boomer?

So, that's my news. As soon as I get the revised version, off to a lawyer I go. Life has been good so far, and like the bracelet I bought myself this weekend says "Embrace the Journey" Honestly, you never know where life is going to take you. Sometimes you have to go through some shitty neighborhoods, and you have to roll up the windows and protect yourself, but those times just make you appreciate the good ones.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Got the news for X the other day that paperwork is in the works and will be filed on the 18th of March which is our one year anniversary of the seperation. Mr. PRO-crastinator (I emphasise pro because he's usually so awesome at it) was on the ball. Even though I didn't want to, I had made the decision to not say anything about divorce until he made the first move. I wanted to make the first move to "win" but that military insurance is too much of a sweet deal to give up. So, even though I felt I was ready to end it all, I was making myself wait for cheap drugs.

I kept preparing myself for any possible emotional onslaught that might come with this news, because in the back of my mind, I knew he'd file as soon as possible. Ever since my emotional upheaval over Christmas, I have been ever diligent in reminding myself that this might make me cry at the very least, at the most, it might make me take to bed for a weekend and wail at the ending of my marriage. At the catastrophic level, it might make me beg for him back. I'm a bit anal and I like to prepare for everything. That's just my way.

We were talking about the issues between Aislinn and my mother and how it was just getting bad. I was really feeling down about my work away from home mom status, even though I didn't tell him that. So, it was the worst possible moment to give me the news, when you think about it.

When he told me, I felt faint, light headed, I got tunnel vision. All the blood rushed to my head. I thought "Oh my God, here it comes. I'm going to freak out." and then all of a sudden, my face all on its own broke out in a huge grin. That rush was the rush of a very heavy weight being lifted from my mind, body and soul. I felt light, like I was going to float off that bed. I started asking questions, and getting info. With glee!

We have kinks to work out. I'll probably have to get a lawyer because I do not agree to his terms. But, it doesn't matter, man. I WILL be divorced by the summer and I am SO ready to be done. If I could never speak to him again, I would be happy, but we have children, so that's impossible. What is nice though is that once everything is settled and written in legal stone, we don't have to speak MUCH. That is awesome.

Friday will be one year like I said earlier that I've been single. I'm super proud of myself and not much anything anyone can say will burst my bubble. How many women are in my shoes and would have found themselves already in a relationship, on the verge of getting married again, because they need a man? I pride myself on not needing a man. I'd rather have one because I enjoy his company and we get along like gangbusters. Becaue he makes me laugh and I make him laugh. I want a friend. Tony and I used to say we were best friends, and I guess that was true to a point. But, I always looked forward to phone calls from my bestie Mike than from my own husband. With Tony I felt like we were talking AT each other. He didn't get my sense of humor and I hated his long winded stories that involved the color of every persons shirt involved, even though it had nothing to do with the story. With my sisters and my friends its a giggle a minute gab fest usually, with talking over one another, and being loud and cramming as many jokes in as possible.

I was talking to a friend the other day who said I had too many "rules" on who I'll date. Yeah I do. Why? First of all, becasue I don't care what men say, most of them, when it comes to relationships have it pretty fucking easy. The world of divorcees are made up of women looking to be loved and feeling secure from a man rather than themselves. So, any guy can find some woman to hang out with if that's what they both want. In casual sex, yes this is where woman have it exponentially easier, but not in relationships.

I have rules because most women don't. I have rules that may seem silly (One is I won't date a guy with a big, 30k pick up truck. That's excessive and stupid and completely unnecesary, now if he has an older one thats paid off or becuase he got a deal on it and paid outright for it that changes things) but I have them because I know what I like and what I don't. THe odds of me liking a guy driving a pick up is small. The odds of me liking a guy who smokes again small. The odds of me liking a guy that lives with his parents are miniscule, because if you can't provide for yourself, that means you need money, and I don't have enough to share. I never want to be in a position where I have to have someone move in with ME. I could never take that man seriously and I would hold it over his head.

Yet, these men will be ok without me, because there are woman who are ok with all that stuff. It's all about who and what you're comfortable with. The way I see it is that I have nothing but time on my hands. This is the time of my life where I can be picky and choosy about who I spend my time with. Having these rules doesn't mean I'm out to meet a rich Dr. By all means, no. I am not looking to be taken care of. I am looking for that person who I want to come home to every night, even if I come home to him in a crappy apartment because that's all we can afford together and we're living in that crappy apartment because we both gave up our smaller crappy apartments to live together.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Life has been a literal blur for the last few weeks. It seems to be settling down somewhat and that's always a good thing.

I had a revelation the other day that was freeing. I can get rid of ALL THIS STUFF!! All this SHIT I've hated or disliked or never really needed. I can fucking chuck it, and with it, my old life.

It's funny how when you're unhappy (even unknowingly) we feel the need to ADD to your life when in reality what you really need to do is detract from it, like that dick head you're married to who is a fucking cheater.


I can look back now and see I had a fucked up QVC addiction. That I used home remodeling as an excuse to get this, that or the other thing. For two months I lamented over not getting my stuff. Once the stuff got here, I was all "YAY STUFF!!" Yet, I've not opened the majority of the boxes. The stuff I needed? That truly mattered? It came with me here in the car. My kids, my dogs, my Keurig, my laptop, and our clothes. Even the kids haven't felt a pressing need to get toys out of boxes or find some lost precious.

I felt obligated to keep all this stuff. It was MY STUFF damn it and I need to keep it. One day I was sitting here in the living room, with all this stuff shoved into this little room and thought, why the hell am I keeping this ugly fucking sectional? I hated it since we bought it. It's mine since I got all the stuff, so I'm going to get rid of it. Donate it or just throw it out or something. Once I had that thought, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I realize that I'm in a lucky position. I'm living in a fully furnished home. My sister will be coming home with newer things, so I can keep the couch she left behind if I want it, or save for a new one when I move. I can own things that were never his or ours. I can own my own things. That I picked out. That I didn't have to compromise on.

That right there is freedom.