Here and Now

It's been odd having Tony "here". Not in the house obviously, but just like, HERE you know? It's actually been harder on me than I thought it would be. I knew him coming back would bring forth emotions, and I thought I was prepared for that, but I guess I wasn't. I've been sad. Downright morose. Moody. Irritable. It's annoying for sure. My separation/divorce is real and even though it's the best thing that can happen, it's still the end of a marriage and you have to have a heart of fucking stone not to feel sad when it's your own.

Every memory I have of the last 12 years (17 if you count the relationship before we married) has involved him in some way. I can't erase that and that sucks. I'm not to the point where I can think of something and not get sad right now. I'll think of when Jonny was born and the medicine they gave me made me itchy and how my dad told me to stop scratching my face because I looked like a drug addict and I was all "I can't HELP IT just tell the nurse I need benadryl!" Funny memory, but then BAM I remember Tony sitting next to me, face lined with concern trying to sneak a pic of me sleeping in the recovery room.

Eventually, my life will be filled with new memories and I welcome it. Also, I know that I'll be able to think back to all the good times and not care that Tony is in them. Right now I feel like he sullies my memories. That it's just one more thing that has been taken from me and it pisses me off.

On a more positive note, we are getting along ok. Friendly. We don't call each other unless necessary which is a big indicator for me that I'm ok with this whole thing. The old me would call a 100 times a day, everyday. Actually, since he's been back from St. Louis, I don't think I've called him once. He's gotten better with the whole kind of lingering around when he's here. He's pretty much in and out when he's here. Boundaries are being drawn and respected and that's a good thing.

No matter what, I'll always love that asshole. Not in the Oooh I want to be your woman way, because that ship has sailed. But, we WERE best friends for 17 years. Honestly. So, when he's here we still talk and joke around and laugh. More than when we were married actually. I want nothing but the best for him, and I worry that he's not expecting the same for himself, but those are his choices. I actually cried for him the other day. I'll never stop caring for him. Because of him I have two miracles who bring me joy everyday. For that, I could never hate him.