Sunday, September 26, 2010

Seasoning With Reason

Three weeks ago, I attended my weekly talk therapy session. I've been doing weekly sessions for about 2 years now, and honestly I don't know why it took me so long. Even though I think my family's motto of "Just Get Over It Already!" is stupid, I guess a part of me felt the same and the thought of sharing my thoughts and secrets and feelings with a stranger was a little too much and would be something I could handle on my own. I am so glad I took the step, it's been a big help to me. Telling someone objective, out loud your thoughts, where you don't have to worry about how what you say will affect that person, or if it will get back to another person, and not being judged in general does wonders for your psyche.

Anyway, I was telling my therapist about the guy who followed me into a parking lot to berate me for a bad traffic mistake on my part, and after I finished he asked me why I felt the need to engage with this person in this way. That I should have just called 9-1-1 instead of arguing with him for twenty minutes. He said it was obvious the man was irrational and no matter how much I tried to convince him, he wasn't going to suddenly become rational. He then pointed out that this is how I interact with Ex as well.

The only answer I could offer him was that I just feel the need to get the other person to see REASON, because it's so obvious to me that what I'm saying should almost go without saying. In the instance of the crazy guy, I said I was sorry, we were both safe, what more do you want? With Ex, spending every night with your new girlfriend in St. Louis, leaving the children behind that you haven't seen in six months is just wrong. Anyone with any kind of common sense can SEE that, and I guess I engage because if they just THOUGHT about it, they'd get it.

So, I've tried hard since this session to not engage Ex in these kinds of "reasoning sessions" as I've dubbed them. What I see as reasoning, he sees as bitching especially if I'm reasoning loudly. No matter how rational I'm being, if the other person is irrational then I'm just talking myself blue in the face. To stop this cycle, I've just stopped talking to him when he's around because that's the only way I can assure that I don't "reason".

Today, I got a text saying he needed me to call. It was so that he could bitch at me about something really asinine in light of how he's been treating the particular situation. Pretty much, he was just waiting for me to make a mistake to point fingers at me, even though his behavior in this situation has been WAY WAY worse. I was proud of myself. I didn't try to reason. I just stated my issues in a calm way. He seemed flustered by it which was kind of funny.

The last three weeks though have brought me a new found peace. Even though I knew I can't change the way he thinks, or change the way he does things, actually practicing that in actuality has set me free. I no longer obsess why he does what he does, treats us the way he does. I have finally taken the stance of its not my problem to heart. I thought it would be tough, but it hasn't been. I worry about me and my two babies and pups and it makes my life so much... simpler.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

No Big Changes

There haven't been any big changes or incidents lately. I think I'm starting to settle into the whole thing. Having zero communication with him does seem to help the situation out immensely.

Although, I did get an email from him the other day informing me that the allottment had gone through on his end, and that my share for the paycheck had been witheld from his deposit. He wasn't sure I was going to get it yet though, so and I quote "Be careful with money." I literally laughed at loud at that statement. Him telling ME to be careful with money. I started getting the kids into miser mode when this all started back in March knowing that it was going to be a little different. It's not too bad at this point and it will get much better once I get a job, but I figure it's better to be safe than sorry. Having the man who can leave the house with twenty bucks and have it spent by the end of the day with nothing but a pack of smokes to show for it tell me to be careful with money, well that's almost as bad as that asian man telling me I was a bad driver.

I didn't get my share, and that SUUUUCCCKKKSSS. The way the military allotments work is that they withold the money from each of his checks, but only pay once a month. So, I'm hoping and praying I get it on the 1st but, shit I worry it may not be until the 15th. Yet, I can't complain because this is how I wanted it. I didn't want to have to depend on him to transfer the money, never mind the bank charges me for every wire transfer. So, it may be a rough 2-4 weeks, but I'll get by. The funny thing is he asked me if I would be able to pay half the mortgage. I told him straight out no because when I thought I was moving, he was supposed to pay the utilities last month. He got all the info from me and everything. When I went to check them he hadn't paid shit. Nothing. So, I had to pay them, and they are all behind. They were never behind when I paid them. I had to pay whatever I could on each of them, so they're still behind. It pisses me off. Then he had the nerve to ask me for more money? Screw you!

Monday, September 13, 2010


In the quiet I find my mind wandering to the future. It's so open ended right now, anything can happen and it's all kinds of awesome to think about. Before it seemed my life was pretty much set. Married, two kids, two dogs, a loving husband (so I thought) a new home and all that was left was to live out my life in familial bliss, surrounded by the ones that I loved the most.

Now, I don't know where life is going to lead me, and I kind of can't wait, which is amazing coming from a person who hates change as much as she hates getting up early and almost as much as she hates cleaning house. Sometimes, I wish I had the script of my life, just so I could take a quick peek to see what's coming up for me and the children. I know it will be hard, and I know at times I'll be frustrated, but above all else I know it will be GOOD. How do I know that? Because it's good now.

I'll never deny my devastation when this all first came about. I'll never forget how awful I felt, how I felt utterly alone, and how I was so upset I gave myself dry heaves on more than one occcasion. How I was sure that after a week he'd call and say he was sorry, ok after two week, after three weeks. At the three week mark is when I kind of started to move forward. Looking back, three weeks isn't very long, and that in itself is a good indication on how much I was fooling myself into thinking that my marriage was ok.

Now there are so many paths open to me, even if I'm not at a place where I can choose one. Sometimes, a random thought will pop into my head like... "I could have a real honeymoon if I get married again." or " What if I have another baby?" Then, sometimes it's "I never have to be tied to a man again if I don't want to." or "There's nothing wrong with a string of lovers right?" or "Maybe in two years I can buy my OWN house!." or "I GUESS I could go to school at some point." (Obviously, not high on my list. God I hate school. )

Most of the things I think about are positive in their way because no matter what life brings me at this point is going to be positive, even if I can't see it in the moment. Just like this divorce. When it happened, it was pain 24/7 for awhile, but the pain brought positivity and happiness in a way I never though I'd experience. I look forward to more of that in my future. Ok, maybe not so much the PAIN part, I don't look forward to THAT, I'm not that sick, but you know what I mean.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


It has been peaceful in our house the last few days. I find myself smiling a lot, and happy to be around the kids. I'm sure school has a lot to do with it, but I think it's more than that, I think it's the calm of it just being us three and the dogs. When Ex was living with us, there was always a bit of chaos because of his work schedule and we argued quite a bit. He was often unhappy and diconnected and that caused a lot of problems for the rest of us.

Life is simpler. I don't know why, but it is. You'd think that if I had another adult to help around here, it would be easier that way. Really, it's not. I don't know if it had been a good marriage if it would have been easier with two instead of one. With just me here there are no more expectations for help. If things need to get done, I have only me to do them. No more pissiness walking around getting mad that I'm the only one doing dishes, doing laundry, doing this and that. Maybe those were unrealistic expectations to have of him since I am a stay at home mom. Who knows? All I know is that I never really felt like I had a partner, just one other person to clean up after. He came home from work, and he was done for the evening. All I asked from him was to take out the trash, give the kids a bath and then put them to bed. Those were things we discussed he would do at night. Every night this was an issue. We argued about them every night. He'd put them to bed an hour late, even with constant reminders. He'd sigh when I said it was bathtime. It was obvious he wasn't into being a member of this family. It weighed on all of us. That weight is now gone.

School seems to be going well for the kids, even though it's only been day two. Aislinn seems to have a very positive attitude about her teacher which is a blessing. Jonny seems to think the first grade is going to be more fun than kindgergarten.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Still Debating If Thirteen is Lucky or Unlucky

Today would have been my 13th wedding anniversary. I guess legally it still is, but emotionally it isn't. I realized this last night laying in bed with the kids at my friends house. I had gone there to hang out for the evening, and although I only had one beer, and was ok to drive, I had a blinding headache and opted to stay the night instead. As I was laying there with both kids, having a bit of an argument with my guy friend (it wasn't meant to be one, but you know how it goes) and I looked at the phone and it was past midnight so officially the 6th of Sept.

I kind of laid there, answering texts here and there, headache pounding in my head, kids fighting over space and I felt like I could cry. I didn't, but I was almost there. I think it was a combination of stress, pms, argument with guy friend, and headache that made me a bit more vulnerable in that moment. I finally managed to go to sleep without crying.

I woke up this morning, headache gone, and went downstairs and was greeted by the smell of Wayne cooking breakfast for everyone like he does every weekend. I started to make myself some coffee, feeling more at home at Wayne and Mel's than I do in my own, and I told them that today was supposed to be my anniversary. Wayne being the smart ass he is, yelled cheerfully "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!" I laughed and shook my head.

Thinking about it doesn't make me as sad as I expected to be. Even though last night there was a moment of sadness after it got quiet, I realize that had Tony not left me, I wouldn't have been surrounded by my friends, laying in bed in their home with my two kids making up our own sign language in the dark. That not only have I made new friends with Wayne and Mel, I have been accepted by all their friends with open arms. Last night Mel's sister in law made up the bed for me since my head hurt and it touched my heart.

It is sad though that a marriage had to end, my marriage had to end but it happened and dwelling on it doesn't change anything. I just have to keep moving forward and just trust that good things will continue to come my way.