Saturday, April 30, 2011

Eight Places I Want To Visit

I've got a migraine,so this may be short and sweet. I also just cut the grass while I had a migraine, so you know.. it may suck double hard.

I'm confused by this.. eight places I want to visit. Does that mean places I've never been? I'm going to list places I want to visit even if I've been there a million times.

1. Europe... I want to do the European tour, go to all the major countries and cities and see everything I can. Like the Griswald's. I want to run down the Louvre because it's closing in 45 minutes and I have to see everything just to say I did. You know?

2. New Orleans... Not during Mardi Gras, although that would be fun. I would just like to see all the sites I've read about in all of the Anne Rice books. Maybe I'll see Louis de Pointe du Lac and Lestat De Lioncourt in the shadows. Maybe I'll spot the Mayfair emerald on a woman's neck. It seems to have such an interesting mix of voodoo and Catholicism that goes hand and hand and it intriques me. I want to see the old mansions in the Garden District.

3. Japan.... Just to see the craziness that goes on there. Again, it's a strange mix that piques my interest. The epicenter of modern technology fused with old fashioned and fastidious ways of life. I'd love to go to Kyoto and see where the geisha live and work. They're a dying breed the geisha.

4. My sister in California... It seems like such a cool fun place to live! She is in the center of evertything,and I can't wait to be able to go there once!

5. New York City... For no other reason than it's NYC.

6. DisneyWorld... I can not begin to express how much freaking FUN I had there. Seriously. The memory is kind of marred because that was really the last thing we did as a family and 10 months later we were split and Ex said he was faking his enthusiasm the whole time. I'd love to take the kids again one day. I really need to try and plan it again. Just the three of us. Plus, I want to see the new Harry Potter exhibits!! I'd love to go without kids actually! Ssssh!

7. New Jersey.... To see my friend, Teri. She's so much fun to hang out with, and the area she lives in is pretty awesome. People hear Jersey and think like.. Jersey shore. This isn't like that. There is so much going on and then you're just a few minutes away from Philadelphia. I would actually love to move there. When I first stepped into her house, it was like I'd always been there when it was my first time there. I just felt comfortable. Neither of us had our kids, so it was like living with a room mate. There were shoes everywhere.

8. Memphis.... I've been here a million times, but this is a super fun city. I want to get about a billion friends together and we can just get wasted and go to Graceland then eat some ribs.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Nine Things I Can't Live Without...

I kind of hate this one because save food, water, air, shelter, my children and family, I could live without a lot. I hate sounding like a mega douche but you know what I mean? There I go ruining all the fun, I hate when I do that. So, I'm not even going to MENTION those things because it goes without saying ok?

1. My IPhone... Yes, my phone. I am that asshole that is constantly doing something on her phone. My phone has my whole life in it and that's not an exaggeration! It fills every need I have except for cutting my grass and sex. If I could get apps for those two things on this puppy, I'd never want for another thing again. I read books on it, have my grocery lists, my recipes. It's my main phone. My main source for music and it is my alarm clock. I play Words with Friends with about 17 people on it. I check my email, my voicemail, my texts, my Yahoo Messenger and my Facebook on it. I've actually considered dropping my internet service because I have my phone. I can shop on it, I can watch TV on it, I can listen to actual radio on it. Anything I want to KNOW, I can find out in an instant.

2. Books... Well, written word I should say now, since I very rarely read actual bound books. It sounds all cool to say "I read" but honestly, the shit I read is crap. I read for pure entertainment. Books that are somewhat mindless and fluff. I've tried to read classics and they're boring.

3. Coffee... I've done a lot of diets in my day, and the one thing I could never give up is coffee. It's a shame really, to be so dependent on a substance. If someone said to you I could NEVER give up beer, or crack or sex with midget hookers, we'd call the show Intervention and start writing letters about how we love that person and if they don't stop doing XYZ today then.... (You know how those letters go, don't act like you don't!) I've cut back drastically in the last few years, but still. I want it. Especially when I go to my mom's house.

4. My water bottle... I drink a lot more water if I can drink it out of a bottle of some sort. I was given a water bottle by a friend last year and it's amazing. There's something about the way it's made that makes the water come out "creamy" as my sister put it. There are no air bubbles, so you can drink 2/3rds of it without stopping. That's no lie. I'm going to get one for home and one to keep in the car. The one I have now I carry too and from work and it's getting banged up

5. This blog... I love this thing. I've always written in some kind of online journal, starting with the ones on TLOL and then SpiritChasers, LiveJournal and now Blogger. I even have a secret blog no one and I mean NO ONE knows about. Oh shit.

6. The wisdom of my father... Ok, yeah. That sounds totally corny, but the best things I've learned in life have been from him. 1. If you're late for work or late for anything really, don't rush to get there. You're already late. Being less late is better, but if you get in a wreck trying to be less late, you'll probably not make it there at all. 2. Credit is very, very important. 3. Worrying is pointless. If your kids are starving, worrying about it won't make food appear. Be proactive and get food. Worrying doesn't solve anything. 4. No, life isn't fair. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be. 5. A man not willing to open a door for you is a man not worth dating.

7. The cold.... I feel my best when it's cold outside. I hate summer. I hate sweating, since I can sweat just thinking about the heat. I hate summer clothes. There is no better feeling than walking outside while the wind is whipping and the cold stings your cheeks.

8. My headphones... Whenever I feel stressed or I need to drown out life I put in my headphones. They keep me sane. The music is nice, yeah but really, it's the ability to be inside my own head. To not hear kids fighting, dogs barking or think about things I can't control. They're a lifesaver.

9. Flats... I love flat shoes. I can't help it. I know my legs looks smoking when I wear heels, but I love the way I looke in flats. Flats go with my style, no matter how boring that may be. They're comfy. Any girl can rock heels, but it takes a special kind of girl to rock flats when the others are in heels. I like to think so anyway

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Post part Deux

I used the french word for 2 because Ren is from Canada and speaks French and I just saw that she is doing a 10 day all about me challenge and because I will marry her one day, I decided I will too.

Also, my life is apparantly not full enough with other shit like being a working mom that I just have to add to it. I'm awesome I should be able to handle it.

So, here's the challenge!

Day 1: Ten Things You Wanted/Want To Be When You’re Older
Day 2: Nine Things You Can’t Live Without
Day 3: Eight Places You Want To Visit
Day 4: Seven People Who Inspire You, and Why?
Day 5: Six of Your Favorite Books
Day 6: Five Things You Can Eat Everyday
Day 7: Four Songs That Describe Your Life Right Now
Day 8: Three favorite Cartoon Characters
Day 9: Two Movies You Absolutely Love
Day 10: One Quote That Describes Your Life Right Now

So, let me get started.....

1. A pony. Every girl wants a freaking pony. I didn't understand why we couldn't just put it in our backyard with the dog. It was a big backyard. We had a garage. What's the big deal? I still feel gyped and convinced my parents secretly hated me for not getting me the fucking pony.

2. In the 2nd grade I wanted to be a police officer. Then I realized it involved running so that went out the window. Screw running.

3. I also wanted to be a vet, and funny enough it was a vet that made me change my mind. We had this Great Dane (The closest I ever got to a pony by the way) and as a puppy it was really sick. So sick, my dad took him to the vet. This was amazing in itself becuase my dad doesn't believe in vets. He says a wild dog would just DIE in the wild if it was sick. It wouldn't check into a clinic. Anyway, Babe the Great Dane was sick and so my dad took him to the vet, and I was super stoked because I wanted to be a vet! We went into the examining room and I watched in interest and then in horror as the vet stuck a plastic thing in the dogs butt to check it's fecal matter. Then I just about lost my shit when she sniffed it. SHE FUCKING SNIFFED IT. That's all I have to say about that.

4. I once wanted an Escalade. I am actually embarrassed to admit that. They're so shiny!

5. I always wanted to be a mother. Ever since I was a little girl. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I did right is have my babies. They're such great kids.

6. Since I was a teenager, I always had a fantasy about being a comedian. I love making people laugh. Hell, I love to laugh and even if I only make myself laugh, well at least I made someone laugh and that's a good bingo in my book.

7. A writer. This is still my ultimate, but something keeps holding me back, and that something is called lack of talent, drive, and ideas.

8. Tattoos. Yay! Something else I accomplished. I remember when I realized that tattoos on women were sexy. It was Janet Jackson's If video. In the beginning there is an asian woman laying on a bed with this huge, long dragon tattoo on her back and I was intrigued. It never occured to me that tattoos could be an art form until that moment. Have been kind of obsessed ever since.

9. I wanted to be a chef at one point. I think everyone has this thought yeah? You make a perfect omelet or a dish your bring to a party is a huge hit and all of a sudden you think.. Yeah maybe I COULD. I could never be a chef because I lack imagination. I am a great cook if I have a recipe to follow, but I am not so great if I have to whip something up on the fly. I'd put pennies in it or something equally dangerous and gross.

10. I always wanted to ultimately be a good and happy person. Not great or a start. Just happy, even if I make crap money and a good person who has great friends and a loving family. I think I've got that in the bag, baby!

It's Been Awhile Since I Could Hold My Head Up High

That title doesn't have anything to do with anything, other than that song popped into my head and when I saw it had "been awhile" since I wrote anything.

Totally random.. last few searches on Google from my Iphone

1. Hundo (To make sure I was using it correctly. I was. Maybe I need to google WHY I've been using hundo so much.)

2. Full name of Rembrandt (Rembrandt Harmenszoon Van Rijn)

3. Witch Pricker (Didn't get a clear definition. Only know it was an istrument used to torture accused witches.)

4. White Barn Florissant ( Tiny little drive thru resteraunt I noticed the other day)

So, nothing much has been going on in my life and when I say nothing I truly mean that. NOTHING. Just working and sleeping and I feel like I'm doing too much of one and not enough of the other!!

Work has been going well. Nothing too much new there. We got a new guy and he's pretty cool, but super religious. Like.. he tells me things God told him to tell me. I kind of lost it today and spent half my lunch break bitching at my sister about it. I get irked because I'm so careful not to offend HIM, yet he doesn't think twice about offending ME. I find it hard to swallow that God picked this random guy to tell me he doesn't think it's a good idea for me to date for 13 years.

But, whatever.

On a positive note, the kids LOVE daycare. And they should because it's costing a fortune even with X paying half. I do like though when I have a day off in the middle of the week and I can just leave them there until six. Now, that may sound shitty, but I have to PAY for it,they're going to use it. Just sayin'. Aislinn didn't like it at first (Surprise!) but now enjoys it very much because they have a never ending supply of arts and craft shit to keep her busy for days. Jonny just enjoys other kids and being a boy so he loves it there too.

I've been kind of in a mood lately, but I'm slowing coming out of it. I'm trying to find a way to get my butt back in the gym, but really haven't figured that out yet. I know my mood will be much improved with some good old fashioned exercise. The only option I came up with is getting the kids right into daycare at 6 am and then working out, coming home and showering but for some reason this just doesn't seem fair to them. That means we'd all have to get up at five at least 3 times a week. I can't even think about that!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Signs of the end

Today, I was behind a car that had a "pedophile menu" on it. A pedophile menu is one of those stickers that have the whole family on it and usually the children are doing something they're really into.

I got this phrase from a web safety seminar I went to back in VA when I was the Ombudsman for Ex's crew. Even though it was about web safety, the speaker would go on tangents on other things that are unsafe, one being the pedophile menu. He said that you're basically telling every pedophile, everywhere you go how many children you have and what they like to do, so now the pedophile has something to discuss with your child.

Anyway, that's not the point of this story. The point I'm trying to make is this guy was very cute. He was exactly the kind of guy that I go for. Funny, cute in a nerdy kind of way, into computers and liked LOL cats.

I remember sitting there and laughing and falling in crush with this guy just from the speech he gave and wanting to get to know him more. I even went so far as to approach him after the seminar and tell him how much I enjoyed it and blah blah blah. This was totally out of character for me, but I didn't realize it then, I just realized it today.

Around this same time, I also teased Ex a lot about one of his crew members who was deliciously cute, but disgustingly young. He took it good naturedly. But, again. This was out of character for me.

I am not a man ogler. Men are barely a blip on my radar. Even now while I'm single. I don't really go for physical looks as much as I do for personality. I like the guy that gets cuter the more you get to know him. It has to be a fine hunk of man flesh to get me to say "Wow check HIM out!" and usually that's all I'll say and move on. If I see a guy with rippling abs and lickable arms running down the street, the only thing I can think is "Damn, put on a shirt!" (Men sans shirt is a pet peeve of mine. Doesn't matter how gorgeous. Put on a fucking shirt.)

When I love you, I am love YOU. When I am yours, I am yours 100%.

Yet, here I was hoping this speaker would notice me, want me, ask me out or something. I wouldn't have said yes or anything. I see now, even without knowing it, I was throwing in my own towel on the marriage. Where Ex was always enough, I guess he wasn't anymore. I guess I needed something from him I wasn't getting. Who knows.. maybe if time had gone on, and continued the way they were, maybe my life would have been different as far as me falling for someone and leaving him.

Sometimes the end is inevitable. It's kind of like an ingrown toenail. It's annoying, and you let it go because it's tolerable. As the nail grows in deeper, the pain worsens, but you can still limp around ok and wear regular shoes and ignore the obvious. Then suddenly you wake up one day, putting a sock on hurts, and you've got green pus and blood everywhere and you know you have to do something about it and there's no more getting around the fact that you have to cut in deep and get rid of what is hurting you.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Lucky Girl

This weekend has been interesting to say the least. It started on Friday and has continued until today. It basically had to do with the Ex and his new girlfriend having to figure out how to parent the kids. She texts me, she badmouthed him to me, I defended him, blah blah blah. Next thing I know.. it's all my fault.


The interesting thing, and the subject of this post starts off with this. Why does my ex ALWAYS tell me whenever he and his girlfriend break up? Granted, they're back together like they always are. Apparantly, they're twelve and this is the sixth time they've broken up. They've lived together less than a month.

Everytie though, my ex feels the need to tell me about it. I always feel sorry for him, and I always try to give him advice except this time. This time, I really didn't give a shit, because I knew it was going to be short-lived. I texted him I'm sorry and that was that.

It bothers me though, because I feel like whenever his life goes to shit, I have to fix it. I didn't get sucked into it this time, but it still annoys me. WHY tell me when you and your girlfriend break up? If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't tell me. That's like admitting defeat... six fucking times. We're talking details, things she said that only bites him in the ass later when he goes back to her. I'm sorry I don't know if I feel comfortable having my kids somewhere where the person has said twice now she can't handle little kids. He always says it's his fault, that he misunderstood. How you can misunderstand such a straight and to the point sentence, two times in a a few months is beyond me. But he swears this is the case.

Talking to Mike, who besides my sisters, is my very bestest friend ever, and I thank God for his understanding wife over our relationship. I asked him what he thought it meant, what he thought Ex was accomplishing by telling me everytime he breaks up with her or vice versa? Mike, being a man and to the point just said "Well, who else does he have to tell?"

My persepective changed in that moment because Mike is right. Who else does he have to tell? No one. He's alienated all his friends, he just has her and her daughter. He's not close with his family. I got to thinking about all the people that heard my story this weekend, who not only heard it, but understood me, encouraged me, gave me straight talk, and who were in my corner. All day I've been on the phone trying to get just get out my frustrations with this fucked up situation.

First it was Teri, my best girlfriend (Other than my sisters) who lives in Jersey who called me as soon as she could so we could rant about exes. Even though she is the busiest person I know, she always makes the time and makes me laugh.

While we were talking, Sam called because he had missed my earlier call. A guy who is going through almost the identical situation as I am with his daughter and his ex wife and we lean on each other when we just don't get it.

Then Mike who gave his perspective because he has known Tony for as long as I have, and we've all hung out together.

Then, my sister Michelle who being the fixer of the family, told me her opinion on how it should be handled and it made sense.

And these are just the tip of the iceberg. I could have called ten other people if I needed to.

I'm a lucky, lucky girl. Sometimes, it takes something shitty to happen to make you see what you do have. My week had been stressful, but everyone of these people helped me through it, not just this weekend but everyday. I love them all desperately, and they make my life what it is. I thank you all for that.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Behind Enemy Lines

I'm going to let you in on a secret. Ready? Lean in close.

Being a single mom is fucking hard. There. I said it. Maybe I should really say.. being a single WORKING mom is hard. Actually, let me pc it up more, since all moms work. Being a single, work out of the home mom is hard.

There. Now that THAT is out in the open.

I guess that comes as no big shocker. I'm not playing martyr or boohooing about it. I am kind of digging it actually, so the newness hasn't worn off. I know I am lucky in the fact that being a military wife kind of helped me get used to being alone all the time. I've always been a bit of a loner, homebody anyway, so for the most part it all suits me.

Things are so different now and none showed me how much than this. I made a comment the other day on Facebook about being childless and bored and lonely. Someone said "That sounds wonderful actually." At first, I was all offended because I was like "Well, she doesn't get it." After a few minutes of thinking about it, I thought about how many times while married and being a stay at home mom I wished my husband would take the kids out for a few hours just so I could get some peace?

I don't know why it's different, it just is. I don't like it. Maybe, because now I feel I have to share my kids with someone I just don't like. Think about it. In what other instance would you say to your kids "Ok this person caused me a great amount of pain and turmoil and is someone I really don't care to ever see or speak to again. You're going to spend the WHOLE WEEKEND with this person and have fun!" Never right? That's kind of how it feels. Like I'm giving my kids to the enemy. Ok yes, I know the enemy is their FATHER. That's why I let them go with a smile on my face and a sadness in my heart. No matter how much I disdain I feel for him, as long as he wants to be in their lives, I will allow it.

It doesn't stop it though. Their father gets them every other weekend, with no time during the week as of yet. They are my life and joy for 10 days. I am their sole parent for those days. Daddy isn't coming home to help out after work to give mommy a break. Daddy isn't helping me cook dinner or folding a load of laundry. It's me. Then after 10 days of ass busting, I have to then give them to the dickhead who cheated on me throughout our marriage, who won't even help me out with drop off or pick ups for school, he relies on me to the care and well-being of our children OUR CHILDREN for 26 days out of the month. He gets them for a few days, has a little fun with them, hangs out with them and then sends them home to tell me about all the fun they had that I can't have with them because of time/money/exhaustion.

So yeah, after being their sole parent for ten days, and then having them completely torn from my life for two, it's lonely without them around. There is something about getting divorced that makes you love your kids even more. I don't know why, but I think my divorced/seperated friends will agree. It's really an unfortunate instance where you see first hand how your bad choices can affect them, something I think I took for granted before.

I'm glad their dad is being there for him, and I know that a lot of people don't have that. Eventually, I'm sure the free time will be welcomed. I just need to learn to be my own person agian.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My So Called Life....

I've been wanting to write in this thing for awhile, but I really don't have too much to write about. The things I would really like to write about I don't feel comfortable doing so because I don't want er'ry body to know my business. I'm a scorpio, I keep secrets. That's how I am. So, I pretty much tell the people I want to know certain business. They know what they know, and if you're not sure you're one of them, well you'll never know will you? *evil cackle*


Work has been going really well. I seem to be picking up on everything at a pretty steady pace. One aspect of the job that was surprising to me is referrals and cross-selling products. We're required to do so many referrals a month and they'd like a percentage of those to turn into sales. So, say if someone comes in and they don't have a Christmas club account, or direct deposit, I say "Hey would you like to open a Christmas club or Direct deposit?" I mean, you're supposed to do it with a bit of salesmanship, although asking directly like, technically counts, so you know whatever works.

Being new, I'm excused from referrals for the time being, yet I figured I would go ahead and at least try them out. Get used to them so I could feel comfortable when I did have to start. I was just kind of doing them half assed here and there, not really thinking too much about them. Little did I know that 18 in your first month is pretty dang awesome. There is nothing like getting an email complimenting you on a job well done. Not only that, but my general manager told me the other day that everyone is really impressed with how well I'm doing and my supervisor is afraid I'll be "stolen" from her.

Working has been so much fun. I know that sounds silly, but I get up and I rarely think "Oh man I have to go to work." and when I do, it's usually because I just didn't get enough sleep the night before (Louie is a douchebag.. just sayin'). Although I enjoy it immensely, It's also not my social life either. 3 days a week it's me and another woman, who is my boss. We chat and laugh and we have a lot in common, but she's usually busy as she works as a teller/loan officer/personal banker/water cooler changer. Seriously, that woman does it all. People will wait for her to close a loan just to have HER make out their bank checks, because she does it just right. The other days a week, I'm at the busier fancypants branch. I just sit in my little cubby and I rarely speak to anyone. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I don't feel the need to be chummy with everyone. I'm sure they all think I'm anti-social but I don't really care.

Another big step is that I am going to put the kids in childcare before and after school. X has agreed to pay half. Not that he'd have much choice, but it's still a BIG chunk coming out of my pocket and honestly, I don't know how I'm going to do it. But, my mother just can't do it anymore, and I understand. Yet, this is the best option for everyone all around, and even though I'll probably eat beans and rice for a year or two to make ends meet, you know, it will be worth the peace of mind I'll get. It was getting to the point where I was dreading coming home because I knew either Aislinn, Jonny or my mom would be pissed and if it was a shitty day, all three. It was getting to be too much for everyone. No hard feelings. We all gave it a go, mom especially, it didn't work, so we try something new.

X is back in town, and he took the kids for his first weekend visitation since he's been home and it was nice but kind of sucky. The quiet here at home was deafening. I purposely made myself stay by myself the first day. The second day I couldn't hack it and spent the day with my mom. The first day I started off ok with work and then I went and got new glasses. After the high of not allowing the staff to sucker me into every bell and whistle on my glasses (A pair of regular glasses and a pair of RX sunglasses for 175 dollars thank you very much. All together, not each) I was all "What now?" So, I said fine, I'll walk around the mall. After that I kind of gave up and went and got a shit load of junk food, and came home and sat in the quiet eating then reading until I fell asleep. What a life huh? Don't be jeaslous.