Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Update on the Homecoming

What can I say? It's been almost two weeks since Tony has been back. He was supposed to come in that afternoon because there was lack of space on the earlier flight. I was happy with this. It was going to be hard enough to face him, but honestly, it was going to be harder to see the rest of the crew there, giving me pitying looks or frank curious stares, or even worse, not acknowleding me at all. Unfortunately, he got on the earlier flight and I had to deal with it. It was as awkward as expected.

We pick him up, and it's just ugh. I kind of walk ahead so he can hang with the kids. When I saw him at the airport, I honestly didn't feel anything. No rush of love or emotion. No hatred. Just pure awkwardness.

We get in the car and we drive back to the house. Everything is going well, it's kind of comfortable, so I did what any woman in my position would do.

I threw myselt at him.

Sigh, yes you read that right. I THREW myself at him and was rejected soundly.

The thing is, I wasn't so much throwing myself at HIM as much as it was my last ditch effort to make it work. To keep what was familiar to me and to keep my family together. I didn't feel much of anything in that moment, and no I am not saying that now because I was rejected. It was desperation for what was familiar, not for him. Sure, it stung when he refused, but only for a bit. Then I was fine.

He took the kids to St. Louis and there have been some.. incidents that I've not been happy about. Yet, I can't control him and his decisions. He has to make those himself and live with the consequences if there are any. Same as I. Same as anyone really.

I went to Philly/Jersey and visited my friend Teri and had a really amazing time. Found out that my sister wants me to move into her house, so my waiting has come to fruition. I sent away for some college materials on becoming a Vet Tech. Things are coming together.

I don't know what the future will hold for me. I hope that one day I can find someone to love me. I have been on a few dates here and there yet nothing worth writing home about. There have been two things I have found I really need, one is someone who likes to talk. One of the biggest things that made my life feel oppressive is that Tony is just NOT a talker. I need that. The other thing I need is someone to stand up to me. Not lay down the law and stomp around making sure the hand towels are hung exactly 1/4 of an inch away from each other. Someone to call me on my bullshit if I'm spewing it. The first time it happened with someone I was talking wtih, I freaked out and no longer talk to that person. Like "How DARE he!" Then it happened again, and then again with different people. I realized I liked that.. a lot.

I'm a strong willed person. Always have been. I will get my way. With Tony, I just pretty much bulldozed my way through. If I got abruptly short, he would immediately bowl over and start saying things too soothe me. Of course, I got into this habit. It's a quick way to get an ego fix. Get instantly pissy and then you get nice words said to you to make you feel better. Imagine my surprise when I am not getting this from men. I must now use my brain to get my way and it's ten kinds of awesome.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Freak Out In 3..2..1..

I was laying in my bed just now, switching between Angry Birds (it's not called that because the birds are angry, it's because you get PISSED AS FUCK and google how to beat levels out of desperation and finding a video that shows the exact thing you've tried 568 times and failed) texting my sister through a crisis, and perusing Facebook and it just kind of hit me. My ex is taking my kids for like 2 weeks. What the hell am I going to do?

I actually started to cry. Ok, sure there have been times when I've fantasized about having my kids sent to boarding school only to visit me at Christmas and Easter, greeting me with a cold peck on the cheek and calling me "mummy". I think all moms have had that fantasy a time or two. I've even left my children. I'm not an overly sentimental mom who can't leave her kids behind. Even when they were babies. If a stranger came up to me and said "Hey I'll watch your kids while you go get a pedi." I would probably actually consider it before saying no. Just weighing my options. My toes need painting!

This is something different though. They will be gone, away from home. With their father yes, but not my husband. Does that make sense? They'll be doing a family vacation, even with MY dogs, without me, and there lies the root of the matter. WITHOUT ME. I am being the one left behind. I am the one who is not welcome on this excursion of famial delight. That freaks me the fuck out. It breaks my already black heart a bit more. I'll be completely and utterly alone... except for the five days I'll be visiting a friend. I don't even know how I'll get to the airport. Sad trombone Wah.. Wah.. WAAAAHHHHH.

Speaking of friends, I got into a big blow out with my closest one here in VA. What bothers me the most is that I feel completely and utterly used by this person. We got into a fight and I can't help but feel bitter about it. Because of course it's during MY time of need. When I finally needed HER for a change, needed her to help me get through this tough time I have going on right now of facing my husband, she forbids me to come to her house because I spoke my mind. I'm terribly hurt and I feel terribly used. Now my one support is no longer there after she used me for support for months. My plan was to stay with her while Tony did all he had to do here at the house. Maybe it's just a sign that I need to stay here and face it head on and not run away? That's my positive spin on it. That's me the last few months. Sandi, the silver lining hunter. What's funny is I used to be a pretty negative person, and this whole situation has made me look for the good or go crazy. For that I am thankful. See? Another silver lining. I do it without trying now.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Holding Pattern

Everyday brings me one day closer to the big day. Funny enough, I worry but I'm not overly nervous about it. It is an odd feeling to not feel much of anything. I used to count down the days until Tony would come home. Now it's kind of like... "Oh yeah kids did you know you're dad will be home in like *BLEEP* days?" (For OPSEC reasons I can't specify how many days because the Taliban reads the blog of EVERY military spouse to see when they can blow up shit, or so they make it seem at those dumb Ombudsmen classes I took. Ha! There was a waste of two days.) By now I'd be obsessing over what outfit I'm going to wear, what we're going to do, I would have had a vacation of sort planned, I would be stocking the house with all his favorite things, cleaning, organizing, yard work. Now, I'm just like "Meh. It will suck I won't have a car for a few days and when I do finally have one it's the molester van."

I expect I'll be more nervous when the day arrives. Or maybe not. I don't know how I'll be. I just want it DONE. I just want to get to the point of seeing his face, gauging my reaction, handing off the kids and moving forward to wherever that is. I just know I can't do that until he's here. The end of my waiting period is upon me and I wonder if in order to GET to that end I have to wade through the shit of emotion and tears because ZOMG he's here, or will it be some anticlimactic shrug of the shoulders from me, giving the peace sign and going to my room to text and play MW2? Who knows.

I actually worry more about being here alone sans kids and dogs for a almost 2 weeks. Sure five of those days I'll be out of town, but still man! That's a lot of quiet when you're not used to it. I'm pissed I'll be stuck with the smelly van without ac. I'm worried he's going to SMOKE IN MY FUCKING CAR... OMG HE BETTER NOT FUCKING SMOKE IN MY CAR! That thought actually made me feel extremely pissed today. I worry about having to hear him speak to his girlfriend on the phone, knowing that I just wasn't good enough.

That's what burns me the most. Through 12 years of marriage I just wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to not have him fuck someone else months after our wedding. I wasn't good enough to not have an online affair. I wasn't good enough for him to try counseling. I just wasn't fucking good enough. Sure, I guess it's a matter of semantics and maybe "good enough" is a bit harsh. That's how I feel though. Even if me being free of him is the best fucking thing to ever happen to me, it still doesn't lessen the sting of being rejected.

We had a conversation recently via email and Tony bitched about my blog. He said I made him look like a bad guy. I told him no cheating made him the bad guy plain and simple. That if I cheated everytime I was miserable, I would have cheated a ton but my love for him kept me from doing that. His love for me wasn't as strong. His love ended up being conditional after all. Of course, he never responded.

Friday, July 9, 2010


That's something my sister made up. O D Monkey Tail A T (I can not take credit for Monkey Tail I read it somewhere I'm sure. Maybe Mimi Smartypants?* Who knows?) It stands for One Day At A Time. Monkey tail is cuter. I thought it was called an ampersand but I just googled and it's not. This & is an ampersand. And why am I talking about this crap? Sigh.

Anyway, OD@AT is what she texts me when I start to feel stressed. Today I did a little crying. It's just.. UGH. I'm trying to OD@AT but it's hard to do! I want answers. I'm trying to be zen about it, but I'm becoming impatient. What's my next step? Where do I go from here? Holy shit he'll be home in a few days. *Gasp Gasp Gasp* I can't breathe. Bring me a brown paper bag. What? They're not enviromentally friendly? Fuck nuts.


*Speaking of random blog writers... WTF is up with Patrick Hughes? Seriously. Write something for Christ Sake! And don't even get me started on the fact that he's now married and I'm single because I so have a blog crush on his angsty ass!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Ooops. Busted.

So, yeah found out Tony, or someone he knows, reads this. To quote Tony "Don't make me look like a bacwards retard that can't even tie my own shoes." Fair enough. I get where he is coming from. At the end of the day though, this is my "space" so to speak and I write this to help me deal. Oh and to feed my ego because it's always hungry. Nom nom nom. I think most people realize there are two sides to a story and blah blah blah. This happens to be my bitter half and maybe one day Tony will start his own "Why my ex sucks donkey balls" blog one day. Fingers crossed people, fingers crossed.

Finally back from St. Louis. Half of me still feels there. I'm torn. There are pros and cons to both areas to live in. I just don't know what to do, so again I choose nothing. I know that doesn't seem very proactive but it feels right and that's all I can say about that. I wait and hope an answer comes to me soon. One way or another. Either through a dream (hopefully I'm a zombie in the dream rawr) or in some kind of cool psychedelic epiphany or umm... maybe a letter? I don't know. However answers like these come about, I'll be waiting here for it to find me. Or, I'll get tired of waiting and just say "Fuck this" and do something totally rash and ruin my life. Awesome.

My life, on a side note is actually all kinds of crazy. Even though I call it crazy, it's been crazy fun. I'm living a life I never dreamed I'd live full of tattoos, red highlights, vodka waters and hookahs. And people. People who fill my days with laughter and entertainment. The sound of the "ding ding" of an incoming text is now a regular sound in my life, and usually it's someone who wants to make me giggle. Old friends and new ones all have been discovered and rediscovered. Long forgotten friendships have been rekindled, lukewarm friendships have been given a new boost and the new friendships are well, just that new. Hell, I'm even friends with my nemesis of 17 years.

For years I thought of myself as kind of an antisocial person. Unable to make and maintain friendships. I have found this to be untrue. The amount of friends I do have is actually staggering! From my online ladies who I've known for years to the guy who did my tattoo a few weeks ago. Sure, they're all on different levels of friendship ( I couldn't call tattoo guy crying about my period or anything) but they're friendships just the same. I feel really blessed to know that so many people care. I used to think I was unlovable and unlikeable. I see that's not the case at all. That has helped me more than anything.