I Absolve Thee...

This post may be scattered but I'm just going to go with it. Who knows, it may come out quite structured and concise. I doubt it, but you never know.

My time is ticking and it's crazy. I only have about 2 months until Tony comes home and about about 3 until I move home. My feelings can be anything at any given moment but overall the feeling is one of acceptance. Sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's exhilerating, sometimes it's just meh. Through it all though is acceptance. I accept these challenges, these feelings, this time in my life. I embrace it all, sometimes with fervor, sometimes grudgingly, sometimes while I cry in pain. What else can one do? We can either cling to what we have and move forward, or we can cling to what we don't and stay behind. I'd rather move on thank you very much.

Our cautious foray into "friends" territory is confusing. You can't suddenly erase 17 years of constant companionship. One second it's like nothing is wrong, cracking jokes over the phone about everyday things, and then the next something is said to make it all too clear it was nothing more than a mirage, a semblance of the old times.

He called on Saturday to talk about the kids, I needed to ask him a question about his trip with the kids when he gets home, something about the dogs and what we would do with them since I plan on visiting a friend during that time. We start talking and the cycle I mentioned in my previous post starts. Good natured joking, needless teasing, outright poking, then argument. Calm. Rinse and Repeat until your eyes are puffy and your nose is running.

Basically what Tony needed right then is for me to accept my part in this failed marriage. Which I thought I had done a million times in many different ways. Over the phone, email and chat. I really didn't understand WHAT he wanted from me. Finally, crying and confused, distraught and drained I sobbed "Just TELL me the words that you need to hear from me so you can STOP making me feel like shit. Tell me what you WANT. I thought I have done all that I could to tell you that I accept my part! Do you want blood? Should I slit my wrist and give you that? WHAT?!? What the FUCK do you WANT from me? You made this choice, yet you rub my nose in it constantly as if it's my mistake."

It was the closest I came to begging through all this. I wasn't begging for him to come back or to love me. I was begging him to RELEASE me from this shit. Get me out of this emotional quagmire that I did not make. At this point, we're living the life he asked for. We're living apart. Not just physically since he's so far away, but apart, spiritually, emotionally and not as man and wife. He wanted that, he got it. Why am I being punished?