Friday, April 23, 2010

Finding Out What I Need

It's been interesting to realize what it is I've been missing in my life. It's not love, I thought I had that. No matter what he says now, there was love there. It's not security. I can give that to myself with the help of child support. It's not having a partner to live with. Helllo? Deployments? 'Nuff said. Not sex. Ok a little bit sex, it's been awhile but not what I'm getting at here. It's not someone telling me I'm beautiful. Tony was always good with telling me I was beautiful and sexy and the stuff of men's dreams come to life. I will always credit him for helping me build my self-esteem up to the point of being borderline obnoxious about it. If there was anything that man was good at, other than being in the Navy, was making a girl feel wanted.

No, I realize what I've been craving. It's something simple, something I didn't realize I missed so much.

Conversations. Words. BIG words! Talking. Those who know me know I like to talk and tell stories. I have kept inside here at home.

My ex is an intelligient man. I don't know how many times he has both surprised and delighted me with the things he's created from the scraps around the house. I had a live in McGyver. Pool filter not working to it's optimum level? He fixed it. Laptop cord isn't working right? Out comes the sautering gun and bam. Fixed. He loved to putter. He loved to sit in the shed and just fix and create and that was awesome. With that though meant... he wasn't much of a talker.

I accepted this about him. He was smart in so many ways, but even by his own admissions, not with words. As time went on, I slowly started to tuck away my "five dollar" words as not to make him feel dumb. Words that came naturally to me during an argument would just end up pissing him off because he felt I was talking down to him. His simple style of talking became the norm in our family and it was ok.

I love words. I love the way certain words roll off the tongue. There is nothing more satisfying to me than fitting into a sentence a word that is not commonly used. It's as if I hear a satisfying click, like when you've found the right puzzle piece to make it all complete. I miss the fun back and forth of a witty conversation.

I'm rusty. I feel it coming back though. I've always been a talker. Too much of a talker some might say. I feel the words again and it's a good feeling. I missed them.

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