Monday, June 7, 2010

Scared Shitless

As the time slowly comes upon me for Tony to come home, I find myself scared. It's easy to be angry when you're not face to face. It's easy to be strong and adamant about what you will and will not do when you can only talk to that person on the phone or through the internet. I have a feeling it's going to be like a seperation all over again, and I get to suffer the pain twice.

Seeing him is when my will will be tested and when my feelings I am able to easily sweep aside now, are going to come rushing to the forefront. In a perfect world I'd be able to just say hi, and ignore him, and start making preparations for my move. Seeing him though, seeing him interact with the kids and be in our lives again is going to be hard. I'll want to argue, cry and scream at him. I'm going to want answers even if I already have them. Looking him in the eyes is going to change everything.

Ultimately, I am worried I'll cave. Maybe beg. Want him back. Want to hold him and just forget the whole thing ever happened. I'm worried he'll reject me and ignore me. I'm afraid he's not going to care and I'll see first hand he's not really sorry, that he really doesn't love me, and he's really ok with all this.

I know that for my own sanity and mental health I need to cut him from my life as much as I can. He did nothing but cause me pain. I know in my heart this was our only recourse. When yo choose to play Bejeweled Blitz on your Ipod instead of having sex, like I did so many nights, that is not a good sign. When you let the dog sleep between you every night, something isn't right. In the end this IS what I want and what I need. Probably what we both want and need.

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