What can I say? It's been almost two weeks since Tony has been back. He was supposed to come in that afternoon because there was lack of space on the earlier flight. I was happy with this. It was going to be hard enough to face him, but honestly, it was going to be harder to see the rest of the crew there, giving me pitying looks or frank curious stares, or even worse, not acknowleding me at all. Unfortunately, he got on the earlier flight and I had to deal with it. It was as awkward as expected.
We pick him up, and it's just ugh. I kind of walk ahead so he can hang with the kids. When I saw him at the airport, I honestly didn't feel anything. No rush of love or emotion. No hatred. Just pure awkwardness.
We get in the car and we drive back to the house. Everything is going well, it's kind of comfortable, so I did what any woman in my position would do.
I threw myselt at him.
Sigh, yes you read that right. I THREW myself at him and was rejected soundly.
The thing is, I wasn't so much throwing myself at HIM as much as it was my last ditch effort to make it work. To keep what was familiar to me and to keep my family together. I didn't feel much of anything in that moment, and no I am not saying that now because I was rejected. It was desperation for what was familiar, not for him. Sure, it stung when he refused, but only for a bit. Then I was fine.
He took the kids to St. Louis and there have been some.. incidents that I've not been happy about. Yet, I can't control him and his decisions. He has to make those himself and live with the consequences if there are any. Same as I. Same as anyone really.
I went to Philly/Jersey and visited my friend Teri and had a really amazing time. Found out that my sister wants me to move into her house, so my waiting has come to fruition. I sent away for some college materials on becoming a Vet Tech. Things are coming together.
I don't know what the future will hold for me. I hope that one day I can find someone to love me. I have been on a few dates here and there yet nothing worth writing home about. There have been two things I have found I really need, one is someone who likes to talk. One of the biggest things that made my life feel oppressive is that Tony is just NOT a talker. I need that. The other thing I need is someone to stand up to me. Not lay down the law and stomp around making sure the hand towels are hung exactly 1/4 of an inch away from each other. Someone to call me on my bullshit if I'm spewing it. The first time it happened with someone I was talking wtih, I freaked out and no longer talk to that person. Like "How DARE he!" Then it happened again, and then again with different people. I realized I liked that.. a lot.
I'm a strong willed person. Always have been. I will get my way. With Tony, I just pretty much bulldozed my way through. If I got abruptly short, he would immediately bowl over and start saying things too soothe me. Of course, I got into this habit. It's a quick way to get an ego fix. Get instantly pissy and then you get nice words said to you to make you feel better. Imagine my surprise when I am not getting this from men. I must now use my brain to get my way and it's ten kinds of awesome.