Sunday, June 6, 2010

Can't Sleep

I hate it when I can't sleep. It's quiet and dark and my mind start to wander. The only one to keep my company right now is Lola the cat, or Squeaky Fromme, as I like to call her when she makes her weird noises, who is mad because the laptop is currently taking space on my lap instead of her. I keep telling her it's called a laptop for a reason, she just squeaks at me, butting her head against mine. In cat talk I guess that means "I don't give a shit.. move it!"

My week has been not that great. I've always been aware that in time, the other shoe could drop at any moment. What I meant by that is that I would probably feel bad soon. That was this past week. Everything hit me all at once, at one point almost causing a panic attack at the Girl Scout Bridging Ceremony. Luckily between texting a friend and having my ear buds handy I was able to avoid it. I felt like the noise in the room was physically assaulting me. I would flinch and shake. By putting my music on I was able to drown out the noises and calm down. Eventually, I was able to give Jonny one ear bud so he could listen with me so I didn't look like a total shitty mom by ignoring my kid. It was a tough moment and thinking about it scares me. I've had the gamut of anxiety issues through time, but panic attacks weren't one until now. To think people feel like that constantly makes me sad. It was a horrible feeling.

My husband not only cheated on me so soon after our wedding, but with the one person in the world I hated more than anyone (Hi Mel!) and he KNEW how I felt about her and he did it anyway. I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me so angry! I know being angry about it is pointless, especially now, but it does and I can't help it.

Recently, during a back and forth email argument, Tony said I was "more than capable" of screwing him over and if I got "pissed enough, I know you would". This hurt me more than anyone can imagine. Why? Because most women in my position would have left to the succor of her family and friends, leaving bills unpaid and bank accounts empty. I didn't do that. I was trying to be an adult, realizing that here or there I'd be miserable. At least let me keep the kids in school for the rest of the year and not disrupt them too much. Let me keep paying bills, cutting grass and caring for the house because it's the right thing to do. I literally put my life on hold to do the right thing, hoping that in the long run Karma would repay me. To read that broke my heart more than anything.

He's claiming to be a changed man. Saying the man that cheated is not the same man he is today. Ummm except you cheated... again. So, yeah. Uh. Yeah. Ok then? Tell yourself whatever you need to get you through the day I guess.

My friends and I have a little divorce club. My friends Cindy and Andy and I get together and just kind of comfort each other. I don't know if we're doing each other more harm than good, but it's nice to have friends who are in a similiar situation at the same time. Andy and I were talking one night and he said that all 3 of us can sleep like babies knowing we didn't do anything wrong. Were we part of the problem? Yes, of course we were, but we didn't take drastic steps like our exes did. All 3 of us have been cheated on and it sucks rocks people. It is a terrible feeling to know the person you dedicated your life too hit the bricks when the shit got tough in the most cowardly way. To know your hard work and dedication didn't mean a damn thing after all and you weren't worth it in the end. Even though my self esteem has remained intact, there are still periods of doubt that creep into my mind. Like.. "Wow, who will ever want me again? I've got two kids, two spazzy dogs and a crazy ex husband. I might as well have a sign that reads Don't touch or you'll get emotional herpes on my forehead." I know that's silly and people in way worse situations than mine find love again and that's great.

What scares me though is that I DON'T WANT LOVE. No. I don't. I don't have any to give anyone and I feel less than human. On one hand I am grateful I'm not a stereotypical woman falling in the arms of any man who will have her, yet on the other I worry about my heart. Is it damaged beyond repair? Will I ever be able to trust another penis wielder?

1 comment:

  1. My ex used to get all mad too "I guess you never did anything wrong!". I don't really get those states, sure I did, we all did, but I always reminded my ex "I was in the same shitty relationship as you, but I did not choose to cheat, I could have, but i didn't make that decision". Anyone who cheats has to realize the other person isn't sitting around totally satisfied. Generally they are missing something too.

    A lot of people forget that when there's cheating there's usually lying. the Lying is the part that really screws with you for years. The part where you'd ask stuff and they said "no, you are paranoid" and you had to live for years denying your gut. Denying that gut for years messes with you. it makes you start to question your worth. It SHOULD be vindicating when it all finally comes out, but usually we've convinced ourselves so much the other way, that's it's hard to wrap our minds around. I really think the lying "No baby, you are being crazy" is the most damaging part.