Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Geez. I don't even know where to start. First of all, my hands are shaking in excitement for two reasons. One, I got a new laptop while here in St. Louis and it's AMAZING, the second reason is because I've had this new laptop for almost 2 weeks now and I've had NO INTERNET access. I know!! Woe is freaking me!! I finally caved and am now sitting at St. Louis Bread Company having a salad and half a sandwhich and playing with my new toy. Shiny!! Me likey shiny!!

I've had a few emotional days here and there this past week. Coming home to St. Louis has really brought the reality of my situation to the forefront. I feel like I've gone on an emotional bender. Crying to the point of vomitting. Being emotionally needy. Getting another tattoo totally on a whim. I've gone from wanting to move here, to wanting to stay in Va, to getting a tattoo, to emailing Tony that I want him to have the kids for a year while I get my shit together. I'm all over the fucking place.

Today, I feel a little more grounded. Sometimes, I think you have to go through some crazy to get to the good. My decision is to just to go with the flow. One day at a time. There is not hard and fast rule that says I have to do anything. My gut tells me not to go with that house I found, and I'm going with my gut. It hasn't failed me yet. I just feel like life is fixing to do something major and I just need to wait for it. Just WAIT and accept what comes my way. Sometimes waiting is the best and only option.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Sound of Anger

Hearing Tony's voice pisses me off. It wasn't that long ago when I would be hurt and offended if he called the house and didn't want to talk to me. Lately, I've been hoping he skips me over. He doesn't. It's like he knows what I want and does the opposite just to piss me the hell off. Usually he needs to call to ask for help with whatever issue he's got going on at he time.

Today, it was access to his Star Card account. Two weeks ago it was his My Pay info. How he will survive is beyond me. I asked him at one point today if I should just forward the info to his new girlfriend. Seriously.

At the beginning of this whole crazy situation he accused me of "always having my hands in evertyhing" well.. duh. If I didn't have my hands in everything NOTHING WOULD GET DONE. We're talking about a man who ruined us financially at one point because of PIZZA. He'd write a check for pizza every night while I was at work, never once checking to see if there was money to cover those checks. He thought the checks were magic money.

I don't know what he's going to do. He's hasn't paid a bill in 12 years. He can't tell you how much we have in checking or savings, what his credit limits are and if he's close to them yet. I asked him today if he knew that he's maxed out his Star Card. Of course he didn't know that. Why was his Star Card maxed out? Because dumb ass lost his debit card to our account. He claims to have called to get it replaced but it never arrived. He opened up another acccount to a different bank but since he knows nothing of our current bank he couldn't figure out how to transfer money. He asked me to do it. I laughed and hung up the phone. So, instead of figuring it out, he charged everything. I told him to today that I refuse to take responsibility for that card. I even paid over the amount due by a few hundred dollars while he has been gone and he still maxed it.

I've been careful with money. I don't want it to come back and bite me in the ass later that I spent his hard earned cash. Yes, there are some things I like to buy. Target clearance is my new best friend. I feel like a caretaker to his house. Therefore I would earn a wage and I'll buy myself some new skirts or shoes. Also, I'm going to have to join the workforce soon. I need clothes for that as well.

I told him today to not talk to me on the phone anymore. I can't take it. The sound of his voice infuriates me, especially when he's asking for help. He accuses me of being controlling, yet I see it as I never really had any other choice. I HAD to take care of these things. I didn't necessarily like doing it, but someone had to do it or bills didn't get paid. Sure, I made some mistakes along the way. Hell, I suck something terrible at math and have imposed a few numbers causing errors NOT in our favor. I keep a budget that I've tried to show him on many occasion, only to have him zone out.

I worry about him sometimes but I just tell myself he had a good thing going here and he blew it. Better luck next time, Tony.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

That's A Man, Baby.

It seems my ability to not feel is starting to wane. All of a sudden I'm being hit with icky feelings and emotions. I have to say I'm not really digging it all too much.

I blame my therapist. I know that is his job, but damn him. Why can't he just nod his head instead of making me THINK about myself? First it was "Do you ever wonder why you feel to emasculate Tony everytime you talk to him?" then it was "Not only did he cheat, but he cheated on you with someone you knew and hated." then it was "I worry if you're really feeling what you should be right now. It's ok to be sad." It was like he took an ice pick and chipped away at the wall of ice around my heart and it's starting to thaw and I don't like it one bit.

The thing that bothers me the most is I feel like such a girl about it. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I just wish I could go back to feeling very little of nothing about anything other than happiness for my situation. I want those days where I walked around the house with nothing but a smile and an overblown sense of relief. When I would strut around like nothing could touch me, nothing could hold me down, like the world was my oyster. Now I feel like I'm walking around like a little old woman, clutching her bag as she walks past a group of questionable youths.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Scared Shitless

As the time slowly comes upon me for Tony to come home, I find myself scared. It's easy to be angry when you're not face to face. It's easy to be strong and adamant about what you will and will not do when you can only talk to that person on the phone or through the internet. I have a feeling it's going to be like a seperation all over again, and I get to suffer the pain twice.

Seeing him is when my will will be tested and when my feelings I am able to easily sweep aside now, are going to come rushing to the forefront. In a perfect world I'd be able to just say hi, and ignore him, and start making preparations for my move. Seeing him though, seeing him interact with the kids and be in our lives again is going to be hard. I'll want to argue, cry and scream at him. I'm going to want answers even if I already have them. Looking him in the eyes is going to change everything.

Ultimately, I am worried I'll cave. Maybe beg. Want him back. Want to hold him and just forget the whole thing ever happened. I'm worried he'll reject me and ignore me. I'm afraid he's not going to care and I'll see first hand he's not really sorry, that he really doesn't love me, and he's really ok with all this.

I know that for my own sanity and mental health I need to cut him from my life as much as I can. He did nothing but cause me pain. I know in my heart this was our only recourse. When yo choose to play Bejeweled Blitz on your Ipod instead of having sex, like I did so many nights, that is not a good sign. When you let the dog sleep between you every night, something isn't right. In the end this IS what I want and what I need. Probably what we both want and need.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Can't Sleep

I hate it when I can't sleep. It's quiet and dark and my mind start to wander. The only one to keep my company right now is Lola the cat, or Squeaky Fromme, as I like to call her when she makes her weird noises, who is mad because the laptop is currently taking space on my lap instead of her. I keep telling her it's called a laptop for a reason, she just squeaks at me, butting her head against mine. In cat talk I guess that means "I don't give a shit.. move it!"

My week has been not that great. I've always been aware that in time, the other shoe could drop at any moment. What I meant by that is that I would probably feel bad soon. That was this past week. Everything hit me all at once, at one point almost causing a panic attack at the Girl Scout Bridging Ceremony. Luckily between texting a friend and having my ear buds handy I was able to avoid it. I felt like the noise in the room was physically assaulting me. I would flinch and shake. By putting my music on I was able to drown out the noises and calm down. Eventually, I was able to give Jonny one ear bud so he could listen with me so I didn't look like a total shitty mom by ignoring my kid. It was a tough moment and thinking about it scares me. I've had the gamut of anxiety issues through time, but panic attacks weren't one until now. To think people feel like that constantly makes me sad. It was a horrible feeling.

My husband not only cheated on me so soon after our wedding, but with the one person in the world I hated more than anyone (Hi Mel!) and he KNEW how I felt about her and he did it anyway. I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me so angry! I know being angry about it is pointless, especially now, but it does and I can't help it.

Recently, during a back and forth email argument, Tony said I was "more than capable" of screwing him over and if I got "pissed enough, I know you would". This hurt me more than anyone can imagine. Why? Because most women in my position would have left to the succor of her family and friends, leaving bills unpaid and bank accounts empty. I didn't do that. I was trying to be an adult, realizing that here or there I'd be miserable. At least let me keep the kids in school for the rest of the year and not disrupt them too much. Let me keep paying bills, cutting grass and caring for the house because it's the right thing to do. I literally put my life on hold to do the right thing, hoping that in the long run Karma would repay me. To read that broke my heart more than anything.

He's claiming to be a changed man. Saying the man that cheated is not the same man he is today. Ummm except you cheated... again. So, yeah. Uh. Yeah. Ok then? Tell yourself whatever you need to get you through the day I guess.

My friends and I have a little divorce club. My friends Cindy and Andy and I get together and just kind of comfort each other. I don't know if we're doing each other more harm than good, but it's nice to have friends who are in a similiar situation at the same time. Andy and I were talking one night and he said that all 3 of us can sleep like babies knowing we didn't do anything wrong. Were we part of the problem? Yes, of course we were, but we didn't take drastic steps like our exes did. All 3 of us have been cheated on and it sucks rocks people. It is a terrible feeling to know the person you dedicated your life too hit the bricks when the shit got tough in the most cowardly way. To know your hard work and dedication didn't mean a damn thing after all and you weren't worth it in the end. Even though my self esteem has remained intact, there are still periods of doubt that creep into my mind. Like.. "Wow, who will ever want me again? I've got two kids, two spazzy dogs and a crazy ex husband. I might as well have a sign that reads Don't touch or you'll get emotional herpes on my forehead." I know that's silly and people in way worse situations than mine find love again and that's great.

What scares me though is that I DON'T WANT LOVE. No. I don't. I don't have any to give anyone and I feel less than human. On one hand I am grateful I'm not a stereotypical woman falling in the arms of any man who will have her, yet on the other I worry about my heart. Is it damaged beyond repair? Will I ever be able to trust another penis wielder?