Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Yet Another Post Where I Talk of the Same Thing

My life is a LOT easier when Ex and I just don't speak to each other. It's just going to take some time to get to the point where we can talk without arguing. We've given it a good effort, and at times it seemed like we could do it, but it always managed to fall apart.

It's hard to suddenly lose your best friend. It's not like I sit and pine for that person either, which makes it even more weird. All of a sudden, you don't feel that way about this person, and you're ok with it for the most part. Sure, you'll think of something from the past and get nostalgic for what you once had, but it doesn't happen very often.

Ex was never a mean person, he never said an ill word toward me, he never hit me, or was verbally abusive. He was a good provider who always worked hard. So, what was the problem? Well, I wasn't aware there was a problem until the shit hit the fan. Looking back, the only thing I can say is that we grew apart. He seemed to stop caring about the family, focusing on work and school. The more he pulled away, the more angry I got and anger was probably the wrong emotion. Where we once went to bed together every night watching Adult Swim, was now replaced with him going to bed alone while I relished the quiet solitude of the night. There was a time I would hear his car pulling into the driveway and I would run to meet him at the door. Near the end I was barely looking up from what I was doing to greet him when he came in.

I don't know why it happened, I don't know how. I don't know what changed between us, what changed IN us. It just all got overwhelming, suffocating, and I think it got easier to ignore there was an issue than to try to fix the issue. It was easier to not rock the boat, because when the boat was rocked, things weren't fixed anyway. It was always the same arguments over and over. He was selfish, I was controlling. Throw in jabs about each others families, rinse and repeat.

At the end of the day, Ex and I bring out the worse in each other. It wasn't always like that, but that's how it ended. The last time we had a "discussion" it ended with me throwing a pencil in his face, and him throwing my purse across the room. When that happened, I knew it was going to take a lot of time and energy to fix this if we ever wanted to do that, and that's time and energy maybe best spent elsewhere.

Monday, August 30, 2010


I feel like writing about something different. I guess it goes with my impending divorce, but not really. I want to talk about my tattoos.

Some people see tattoos as being classless and white trashy. I know my parents aren't happy about the placement of my tattoos, but they don't care about the tattoos themselves. I do worry that people see my wrist tattoo and think less of me. Yet, I don't regret any of my tattoos or their placement. Each one, even if they don't necessarily have meaning, they represent a part of my life, good and bad.

In six weeks I got three tattoos. This seems excessive even to me. Normally, I am a bit tight fisted with my money, and ink is the last thing I want to spend it on, but the seperation gave me the nudge I needed to fulfill this need in me. For now it's been sated and I'm happy with the three new ones I've gotten.

My dad said that he read once that people who get arm tattoos are insecure, but he softened this statement by flexing his arm and laughing, showing off his arm tattoo. I can see this, but for me the tattoos have helped immensely with my self esteem. Before getting my first arm tattoo I refused to wear a tank top. Upon getting it, I would wear them here and there. Then I got the fan on the other arm and all of a sudden I can't get enough of tank tops. Maybe I feel the tattoos will detract people from looking at my gut or worse my boobs (Seriously, I'm self concious about the size of them and felt if I wore a tank top I was trying to call attention to them). Because of my tattoos I've had better body image and self esteem.

Change of Plans

I was advised that we probably shouldn't move until our things are able to be shipped, so that's what we're doing. I called the school, and all I have to do to register them is to bring in proof we still live here. Easy. Luckily for the kids, school doesn't start until next week, so they're still on summer vacay. Yesterday we started going to bed early. It was nice having a few quiet hours to myself after they went to bed.

Ex isn't happy about us staying. I really don't know why. He's been pushing us to move constantly. Up until last week I was willing to do what it took to not rock the boat, even though he doesn't believe that. I have tried to keep both our long term lives in mind while trying to maintain the comfort of our children. I'm trying to make this easy for everyone. I really am. I don't want Ex to be penniless. I really don't, but then again I'm not going to be all "Oh you don't have to give us enough money." either. I'm not going for more than what we are entitled to.

He gets mad about the amount he has to pay, but getting mad at ME is pointless. Go yell at the Navy then, since it's their rule that he pay me this amount. This is THEIR number, not mine. After we divorce it's expected to go down sure, but it won't go down a lot. It's not like I'm some girl he knocked up and then married to make the situation right.

We were a couple, we married, we PLANNED on our children. Neither were "pleasant surprises". We both agreed that me being a stay at home mom was important. It's not like I never worked. I worked part time since I was sixteen and full time at times with two jobs since I was 18. I worked full time until Aislinn was 3. We were moving, I wanted to get pregnant, so I stopped working. The job I had was stressful and I was miserable. It only made sense to quit. It ended up working well for us. With his erratic recruiting schedule, me staying home made sense and I would be working to just pay the daycare.

So, hearing him sneer at me to "get a job" is hurtful. I had and still have a job. Raising my children. That's an important job, especially since I have to worry about Aislinn and her Tourettes. I'm trying the best I can, and yet he never seems happy even though this is what he's wanted. He left, he knew it would cost him, he knew what it meant, but he's still so angry.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Positivity Lacking

As much as Tony doesn't want to believe this, I do not want this to turn into a Tony bashing blog. Honestly. It's to chronicle my journey into my new life as a smokin' hot single mom. Oh yeah, I said smokin' hot. There's no shame in my game. Losing 36 lbs helps with the ole ego as you can see. Don't worry, I don't walk around acting like a total bitch. I'm still kind of shy, insecure and I still at times feel hopelessly unattractive. See, normal.

Anyway, that is why I haven't written much, or should I say, posted much. There are a few angry drafts that I refuse to post because I am trying really hard to make this positive. Sure, it's funny to read about my Ex being an R-Tard as I fill the page with scathing similies and malicious metaphors, but he IS the father of my children and honestly, he makes everything about him anyway, and I just need one little section of my life that is about me and what I'm going through. He's already using this as a way to victimize himself. "Can I ask you about XYZ without you posting about it in your blog?" See what I mean? I get that once a week.

So, positivity, positivity.... it's been in short supply as of late. Well, he's been really good about taking the kids which has freed my time to go out with a man. A man. Just one, and it's not the usual fuck and run I have been doing since my seperation. It was SUPPOSED to be, but we both have a lot in common. I'm not saying I'm in LOVE, but I enjoy spending time with him and we make each other laugh, AND he lets me talk as much as I want without checking his phone or spacing out or anything. Honestly, if I were him, those are things I would do. I would be all "Ooooh Bejeweled Blitz!" if I were him. Wait.. I think I did that a few weekends while at Mel's. I have ADD I can't help it? (Love ya, Mel!)

Anyway, just saying, got a like a man who sits you down to show you an awesome video game,and then let's you play it while he watches and helps. When I told my sister that, she asked if he at least bought me shoes before forcing me to play a video game. So, yeah she's not into video games. What is fun to me, is torture to her and vice versa. I love the look of high heels, but good Lordy I avoid wearing them as much as possible.
The children seem to enjoy spending time with their dad at his bachelor pad. He lives with three other guys and they are all nice guys from the crew Tony is in and I knew two of them before teh seperation, so I feel comfortable the kids being there. I got to check out the house the other day and beside the the picture of the woman wearing the thong, ass to camera and with the words "Bad Ass" you see as soon as you walk in, it's very nice and normal. The kids seemed comfy there, Jonny going to one of the guys room, knocking and yelling "Hey Daniel! Are you getting dressed?!?". It was very cute.

Soon, the move is happeneing. As of right now, all I'm taking is clothes, my dogs, kids and coffee pot. Oh and probably my desk top and of course my laptop and Wii. You know.. the important shiz. Tony is setting up the allotment today and our seperation agreement is being drafted and should be ready this week.

After all is said and done, I'm ready to be over and done with this all. I still feel like Tony and I are too emeshed and I don't want that anymore. I want to seperate FULLY and leave it at that. I'm ready to move on, and I accept it all with open heart and arms.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Here and Now

It's been odd having Tony "here". Not in the house obviously, but just like, HERE you know? It's actually been harder on me than I thought it would be. I knew him coming back would bring forth emotions, and I thought I was prepared for that, but I guess I wasn't. I've been sad. Downright morose. Moody. Irritable. It's annoying for sure. My separation/divorce is real and even though it's the best thing that can happen, it's still the end of a marriage and you have to have a heart of fucking stone not to feel sad when it's your own.

Every memory I have of the last 12 years (17 if you count the relationship before we married) has involved him in some way. I can't erase that and that sucks. I'm not to the point where I can think of something and not get sad right now. I'll think of when Jonny was born and the medicine they gave me made me itchy and how my dad told me to stop scratching my face because I looked like a drug addict and I was all "I can't HELP IT just tell the nurse I need benadryl!" Funny memory, but then BAM I remember Tony sitting next to me, face lined with concern trying to sneak a pic of me sleeping in the recovery room.

Eventually, my life will be filled with new memories and I welcome it. Also, I know that I'll be able to think back to all the good times and not care that Tony is in them. Right now I feel like he sullies my memories. That it's just one more thing that has been taken from me and it pisses me off.

On a more positive note, we are getting along ok. Friendly. We don't call each other unless necessary which is a big indicator for me that I'm ok with this whole thing. The old me would call a 100 times a day, everyday. Actually, since he's been back from St. Louis, I don't think I've called him once. He's gotten better with the whole kind of lingering around when he's here. He's pretty much in and out when he's here. Boundaries are being drawn and respected and that's a good thing.

No matter what, I'll always love that asshole. Not in the Oooh I want to be your woman way, because that ship has sailed. But, we WERE best friends for 17 years. Honestly. So, when he's here we still talk and joke around and laugh. More than when we were married actually. I want nothing but the best for him, and I worry that he's not expecting the same for himself, but those are his choices. I actually cried for him the other day. I'll never stop caring for him. Because of him I have two miracles who bring me joy everyday. For that, I could never hate him.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Breaking Up is Easy to Do

Moving on has been easier for me than I originally anticipated. For the most part it has been a pretty positive experience. There is still a tiny part of me that is saddened by the fact that my marriage was so unknowingly sucky and that I was able to deal with it and move on without much of a backwards glance.

I can't begin to explain it. If you had asked me a mere seven months ago, I would have told you that Tony and I were completely and madly in love, that life didn't get much better than what we had together. I would have told you that losing him would be like sucking the soul from my body and I would be nothing more than a lifeless husk. When he said he was done, I was devastated. It hit me from out of nowhere and it sent me reeling. Yet, once my world stop spinning and came back under control, I realized that it wasn't going to be so bad after all.

I felt like the blinders were off once and for all. It's amazing how as humans we can lie to ourselves so thoroughly to convince ourselves that life is ok. We ignore the shadows and the Scarlett O'Hara comes out in us saying "I'll think about that another day." and we move on. We will tell ourselves whatever it takes to make life bearable. For me it was that being a military family is hard. We are going to have highs and lows, dips and valleys, but the fact that we remain a family is what is going to get us through. I truly believed that with my whole heart and soul.

I am thankful that things have turned out the way they did. Sure, it's a lot of mess and muck we have to wade through but I've honestly never felt happier. I'm free from so many things and I don't mean just my marriage or husband. There are other things that I am able to let go of that have made me feel reborn. Sometimes I sit in wonderment at what I'm NOT doing that the old me would be doing. I am awestruck about what I'm NOT thining about, as opposed to what I am. I, for once see the silver linings in almost everything without trying now.

I've had pain, don't get me wrong. The pain is like getting a tattoo. It hurts like hell and just when you think you're done, you can't take the pain anymore you're finished. You look down and see something beautiful that is forever yours. The pain got you there and in the end you're thankful for that pain and what it has brought you.