Monday, November 14, 2011

Blue Christmas

I've been really down.  I don't know if it's because of life in general or because of the Mirena I had put in, but there's been a noticeable change.  I'm having a hard time finding the positive in much of anything anymore.  The things that brought me comfort in the past are no longer doing it for me. I'm still functioning. I still get up and go to work and clean up and cook food and stuff like that, but I spend an insane amount of time wishing I could be back in bed and when I do have time off it's spent usually in bed.  Not like, holed up in bed neglecting all other things. Just, in my room watching TV.  Then again, what else is there to do when you really think about it?  I'm a single mom with two kids. Partying isn't high on my to do list.  I've always been anti-social in general, add my life situation right now, am I really that surprised?  Before, I would have been playing video games for hours on end.  Is watching TV in my room that much different?

When I moved here, I started off so optimistic and I want to be that optimistic again.  With the pressures of my divorce (WTF do they need ALL THIS PAPERWORK FOR?!?) and the holidays and trying to figure out how I'm going to get the kids gifts this year, I really just feel like hibernating the winter away.  I miss being home with my kids.  Previous Christmases I would have my nice little Christmas fund money and I'd spend hours online shopping for the best deals and making all their little dreams come true.  Like I was telling a friend the other day, my savings plan?  It's a coffee can in my kitchen full of change.  You can't imagine how much this bothers a complete control freak like me.

Before this divorce, our lives together was starting to get on track.  We were both kind of lost in the sea of adulthood for many years, with one financial mess after another.  We both contributed to it, but we made it through.  Once I became a stay at home mom, my focus was to get our act together and I did.  I made sure our bills were always paid and that we never had to scramble.  We were able to buy a house and be normal adults.  That lasted a year before everything went to hell and I'm a little bitter about it. Now, I'm back to square one after all my fucking hard work.  Do you know how hard it is to monitor a grown man's spending?  People used to give me shit about how on point I was about our account.  How Tony could never surprise me with gifts because I would know. People don't realize I HAD TO DO THIS because if I didn't, we were in trouble.  It was my job and I did it well.

So, feeling like I have no control now drives me up a freaking wall and I'm not handling it very well.

Friday, November 11, 2011


As a single parent going through a divorce, it's almost as if you're not allowed to bitch about how hard it is. Other people can't handle it.  You may have one or two friends who will let you vent, but you don't want to use them too much. What people don't realize when you're a single parent who happens to be the custodial parent as well, you can do a LOT of venting.  Like, hard to find the positive in ANYTHING, kind of venting.  I've become so hyper aware about it, that I've pretty much stopped talking to a lot of people just to not put anyone out.  I can hear it in their voices, or see it on their faces if I go there.   They don't want to hear it, and they don't know what to say.  I'm expected to be super optimistic and show only my fiercely brave side.  Heaven fucking forbid if I cry.

I think people are so used to seeing single parents on television and they kind of have a skewed vision of what it should be.  It's the mom who managed to keep the family home, and who can still afford to be a stay at home mom, or it's the plucky mom who works during the day, and goes to school at night, all the while maintaining a spotless home and feeding her kids a hot meal every night with a weary smile on her face, one strand of hair falling out of her ponytail and into her face.

Even here in my own personal space, I try not to be too negative.  I don't want to be judged for not being able to "keep it together."  It's almost as if I complain, I'm somehow losing the single mom game. 

So, you think, lean on other single moms right?  Vent to them?  Umm, that doesn't really work out either, because then it turns into a pissing contest of who has it harder.  I've had people tell me "You get HOW MUCH from your ex-husband?  Lucky."  with just a hint of bitterness, or they say I'm lucky because I get two weekends "off" or whatever, or tell me how much more they're sacrificing to make it work, and if I could always do better.  It's very frustrating.  But, once again, women like  to tear each other down instead of building each other back up.  It's always that way.  I do have one friend I commiserate with regularly,even though her situation is shittier than mine, she never makes me feel bad about my frustrations.

So, with all that being said there are certain things people say when the subject is brought up that drives me bananas.  I know they're usually trying to be helpful, but usually I just get frustrated and don't know how to respond.

Here are the phrases I hate hearing the most from people:

"Count your blessings"..... I get it. I have two great kids,  I have a roof over my head, food in my tummy, a job, a car and boundless blessings.  I know. I KNOW!  You know what else I have?  Pain, confusion, worry and frustration.  And I just want to LET IT OUT without you trying to make me be positive.  I want to let it out so I don't fucking explode. Is that too much to ask?  I know I'm lucky, but in this moment, I feel like shit and putting on my rose colored glasses isn't going to make it all go away. It's unhealthy.

"At least you know now that he was cheating.".... Again. I get it.  Yes, you're absolutely right.  Now, I KNOW and I always kind of knew.  Kind of?  I knew for sure.  He denied it.  He called me crazy our whole marriage. He made our friends doubt me.  Once, my very best friend pulled me aside and said "You got to let this cheating notion go. He'd never do that."   Worst of all, he made me doubt myself to the point of depression meds and therapy.  He really made me feel like a terrible person.  But, that moment of "I KNEW IT!" is just that.  A moment.  After a while, your "told you so moment" is replaced with feeling like a fool.  A total and complete fool.  It's replaced with pain.  It's replaced with the knowledge that your worst fear that you tried to squash for many years is very, very true.  Ignorance is bliss. 

"The kids will realize this when they get older and it will affect their relationship."....  This statement is very true, but it's very sad to think my children will see their father for what he really is and it may not be so great and that's probably going to mess with their heads.  This upsets me.  Again, it goes back to ignorance is bliss.  I don't push issues with him not to make his life easier, but to make sure their lives are a little bit easier. 

"Well, make HIM......"  This one bugs me the most.   Make him pay for daycare, make him do parent teacher conferences. Make him.  Make him.  Make him.  How in the world do you make a person who hates your guts do anything?  A man that has already proven that he can't see past me and look to them.  Perfect example.  Aislinn probably needs glasses.  I texted him to tell him that we needed to at least split this cost.  No response. More than one person has told me to make him pay.  How do I make him pay if I can't even get him to ackowledge there's an issue?  I don't know if he thinks that I'm lying to score $50 for hookers and blow, or what.  He just can't see that his daughter needs glasses and as her parent, he has a moral obligation to ensure her health is taken care of.  He just sees he writes "that bitch" a check every  month, and raising kids can't be that expensive, why can't I pay for the fucking glasses.  


That was cathartic.  I feel much better.  Sometimes, bitching feels good. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Broke the Dude Fast. Sorta.

Last night I was in sinus pain hell, and I was in bed watching tv when my phone buzzes.  My phone always buzzes.  Between texts, Facebook, Words with Friends, and various other apps, it's a wonder the battery doesn't drain a lot faster. 

It was a Plenty of Fish message.  Now, when I get a PoF message, I get excited but not for the reason you think.  Pure entertainment value on my part.  Seriously.  I check them because I figure either I'm going to laugh at their pathetic attempt to woo me (Hello, or Hey, you're hot or, What's up, Sexy?)  be mildly disturbed by their message or profile, or I can laugh at their pictures.  Something.  Or it could someone that's kind of cool and something could come of it.  Usually not.  I've only met two decent guys on there (And come to think of it, those two guys I've had the longest encounters with. Hmmm) and I'm still on my dude fast, and my face hurt and I needed a giggle.

It was a guy that had messaged me when I first moved here.  He has your typical jaded, why am I not with anyone yet and I'm sick of this shit, profile.  A long lists of things he DOESN'T WANT and he WILL NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS and when you read his profile he pretty much knocks out most women that would be in our age group.  It's super long and rambling and he attempts to sound super intelligent, he's balding, has a goatee and looks all around kind of creepy.  He's a Scorpio, which is a big hells to the nah, ya'll,  and he's just unpleasant.  My thing is, if you can't even be pleasant in your DATING PROFILE, well I'm sure being around you is a joy, pure bliss.

So, even though I am on my dude fast, I messaged him back, and politely told him we had exchanged messages before and it did not go well, and I hoped he had a good night. (I didn't really hope he had a good night, that's just something you say in polite society,)  I assumed he didn't remember as it had been almost a year.  When I got his message the first time, I pretty much shot him down from the jump because of his profile.  I explained to him that his profile seemed negative and that wasn't something I was looking for in my life, and he then sent me a rambling manifesto on why I was incorrect in my assumption.  I just responded something snarky like oh yeah, because this message proves to me exactly why my assumptions are incorrect.  To which he proceeded to send me 2 more messages despite me not replying anymore, trying to convince me, quite poorly, I might add, on why I should date him.

See?  Pure entertainment.  Because you know I told everyone about that shit.

Here's the thing.  When I mentioned that we had spoken before, thinking he hadn't remembered me.  HE HAD.  He knew exactly who I was, and said that he didn't think our conversation to be all that bad.  Wow, sir.  Just. WOW.  Which would mean, if he does the typical PoF thing, then he has probably sent a bunch of messages, and out of all of his encounters, mine was one of the better ones.  I didn't bother to reply.  This guy will be lonely forever because he can't make allowances, as per his profile.

After I've read his last message, I start looking at my matches. Again, I'm on a dude fast and therefore I shouldn't even be ON this site, but my face hurt and I always like to giggle.  So, there you go.  '

One guy kind of catches my eye.  Tall, glasses, red head.  Older than me, has kind of a hipster vibe.  I was tempted. So tempted.  But, then my list came into play and smacked him down in my head.  He has a goatee, he wears a ball cap in every picture, he has two pictures of himself holding an alcoholic beverage.  Blah blah blah.  One or two of those things I could handle.  But, three? Four?  I move on.

I'm no better than Mr. Rude Guy.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

No Money, No Problems (Ok SOME Problems)

I was a stay at home mom for eight years, and this has benefitted me more than I can express now that I'm a single, working mom.  I realize that my financial situation is slightly better than a lot of woman out there, but it's still a struggle.  I've had to do and say some things in the last few weeks that have really just kind of sucked the air out of my lungs and made me cry a bit.

In those moments, I think two things... if he wanted to come back, I'd probably be embarrassed by how long it would take me to say no, and now I get why woman hook up with some random loser so fast.  Help financially.  I refuse to do that.  I want to be with someone becuase we love each other, not because his money would help me breathe easier.

Also, what many people don't understand is that I'm REALLY careful with my money.  I am not at all frivolous. I've given up damn near everything, from my K-cups, low carbing, shopping, buying new books for my Kindle app buy in bulk (Something I really believe in) , fast food. I buy cheap shampoo, soap, laundry detergent and coffee and Splenda.  I mean, like off brands on things I swore I'd NEVER buy off brands on when I was married. I used to only buy Gain and Tide.  Now, I buy the Dollar General stuff.  I used to only drink Folgers or Maxwell house, now I drink Wal-Mart brand.  When I think of the amount of money I would spend on SHAMPOO?!?  Omg. It's embarrassing.  I used to buy $40 body wash. FORTY  DOLLAR BODY WASH.  But, it was really good body wash, I won't lie.  I just shake my head.  The funny thing was, while we were married I was always stressed about money. Always.  It was never enough.  I was an idiot. 

I think the biggest mistake people make is this.  They get too excited that it's pay day.  Seriously.  To me, pay day is another day.  I might breathe a sigh of relief because I have $5 in my purse and I need gas, but I at least still have that $5.  I see people at the credit union all the time, people making a lot more than I am, come strutting in on pay day, excited, smiling talking about all the fun things they're going to do that weekend.  Those are the same people that come back a a week and a half later with a cup full of change, wondering where all their money went.   I'm not judging, but I realized when I was a stay at home mom that rich people?  They never think about pay day.  I adopted that same attitude as best as I could, but sometimes it couldn't be helped.

I think realizing that you're not going to need as much  money as you THINK you do really helps as well.  This is something I did my whole marriage. I'd think "Omg! We only have X amount until pay day, I better go and withdraw money before things start to hit"  and then we're playing the overdraft game.   It's harder to judge when you have someone else out there needing money, too.  Was he going to need money for cigarettes, gas and food?  Who knew?  Now that I'm the only one spending the money, it's easier to control.  So, no more drastic measures to make sure I have "enough to get my through".  I have found that no matter what, I still always manage to have a couple of extra bucks at the end of payday without floating a check or overdrawing the account or having to exchange the change in my coffee can.  

This last pay period was tough, the kids needed clothes and any extra money I had went to that and the beginning of the month is always a tough time for us, too.  But, I know if I needed to, there are measure I can take.  I find if I tell myself to just hold on, to wait as long as I have to and that if I HAVE to, I can turn in my change, or whatever other thing I have to do.  Just knowing that the safety button is THERE keeps me calm enough to think rationally, to not go into panic mode and do focus on what I DO have and not what I don't have. 

It's hard.  I won't lie.  I know though, it can only get better.  People often ask me if I regret not going to school.  Financially, sure.  Sure, I do.  But, what's done is done and I can't change it now.  School was never my thing anyway.  I would have probably wasted a ton of money and never finished.   There is a movie called "Accepted" with Justin Long.  He is a smart kid in the movie, just not conventionally smart. He gets average grades and doesn't get into any colleges at all.  He tries to spin this to his parents as a positive he says (I'm paraphrasing) "The average cost of college is about 20K a year.  Four years, that is 80K.  The average amount of money a person can make without a degree is about 20K a year.  The way I say it, I could SPEND 80K or MAKE 80K.  Seems like a no-brainer to me." and I TOTALLY get that.  I don't know why.  I just do.   Maybe because I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I until I know for sure, for sure?  I don't see the point in wasting the money.  If I think times are tough NOW?  How would I swing it as a student?

Anyway, another little tip from me, talking about your finances is always tricky. We never want to talk about how much debt we have, how much money we do or (As in my case) we don't have.  It's a very taboo subject.  Growing up, your parents never discussed with you what was in their checkbook.  You never dared take a peek.  You maybe saw your mom scribbling figures on a back of an envelope (My mom did this all the time.) and you saw a worried look on her face, but there was always food, water, clothes and good times. Always.  Talk about it.  At work we had to take a class about some program we offer our members for free and the instructor talked about this very thing.  We hide our finances in shame if we're in a bad spot.  We don't want to look bad in front of our friends and our loved ones.  We don't want them to pity us and we definitely don't want them to judge us.  By talking about it though, it frees you from the stigma of it all.  It allows you to be open and honest with yourself more than anything.  Since adopting the attitude of being honest about my situation, I have had a lot people help me.  Not with money, but with advice, with their own stories, with suggestions and so forth.  People WANT to talk about it, they just feel like they can't.

Even though, I'm so "po' " I can't afford the extra letters in poor.  Even though I'm so poor I can't even pay attention, I am HAPPY.  I know that sounds crazy, but having less money has brought me less stress in the long run.  Having less money, has shown me that little things can make me just as happy as big things and being honest about it as freed me from keeping up with the Jones' , something I struggled with while married.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Reason for My Dude Fast

Another weekend alone, and it's been about two weeks since I started my dude fast.  I'm going to explain exactly why I decided to do this.

So, what? Like three weeks ago a relationship I was in ended.  I was upset about it as anyone would be, but not like devastated.  The first weekend I had to spend kid free and alone was kind of hard.  So, there I was bored, lonely and kind of miserable.  No boyfriend, all my friends are married with kids, so no one to hang out with, as they're always with their families doing family things.  I was just down and blue.

Cue That Guy.

I'm not going to get into the history of me and That Guy, but That Guy likes to text me under the pretense of being "friends"   After breaking up with the boyfriend and having a shitty week in general, he texts me encouraging words.  "Chin up!" and all that other shit.  Of course, my wonded ego eats it up.  We had an all day conversation back and forth via text.  Nothing special, just a friends right?  He made hints about coming over, but I just blew them off. Just assumed they were talk, not serious inquiries and even if I had known they were serious inquiries, I would have said no.   Me and That Guy had a one night thing and I have no interest in haivng another night, you know? 

Anyway, he was really there for me, or so I thought.  He made my Saturday a lot better.  More tolerable.  Then Sunday rolls around, and I don't know how we got on the conversation, but he said something like "I asked to come over like four times yesterday." and I answered something kind of passive and whatever and then next thing I know, he's telling me how much he wants to perform oral on me and he doesn't need anything else, we don't have to have sex, just perform oral on me and leave.

I. Was. Pissed!

And offended!

And the truth hit me in the face. 

All that being friendly was bullshit.  BULLSHIT.   He didn't care that I was bummed.  He saw me being bummed as an opportunity to get laid.  He was doing that good guy friend thing as a WAY TO GET LAID.  He was was ok with USING ME.


I told him that anything between us was never going to happen. EVER. He responded with some short, terse answer.  And guess what?  I've not heard a word from him since. Not a single fucking word.  This is a guy that nearly PLAGUED me with messages on a daily basis.  Like, kind of roll my eyes when I'd see he texted.  And now, nothing.  Some friend, huh?

Good Riddance.

(Actually, I just realized after writing this that we're still friends on Facebook.  I fixed that problem)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

My Dirty Little Secret

I'm not being a parent tonight.

Oh, ok.  Who am I kidding?  Of COURSE I'll be a parent tonight, but I'm gonna really phone it in.  Like, bare minimum, because I'm tired and crabby. *pout*

I've been kind of in a shitty mood, but it's expected around this time, if you catch my meaning.  I feel bad for the kids because they got a LOT of chocolate yesterday and I'm TOTES going to raid their bags when they go to sleep.. See?  I'm being a shitty parent tonight, I told you.

If I had three wishes, I wish I would like vegetables, I liked to clean and I could drink alone.  I know that drinking alone seems weird, but it's something I can't do.  It seems.... sad.  Now, if someone ELSE said they had a glass of wine or a beer alone, I wouldn't think twice about it.  Kind of how I feel about like... kissing another chick.  I don't mind if YOU do it, I just don't feel comfortable with doing it myself, you know? 

Instead of drinking, I sit in my room, alone and in the dark.  I don't do it often, but the kids know if I go right to my room, and leave the light off, I need some me time and they're pretty cool about it.  I have pretty amazing kids who are pretty self-sufficient.  I'm pretty old school.  I'm not your cruise director, your activities organizer or your entertainment.  I fully expect my kids to FIND SOMETHING TO DO.  I think more parents should do this.

Now if the head phones come out, they definitely know I need to be alone.  But, I haven't had a yearning for headphones in... whoa probably six weeks.  I'm kind of proud of msyelf for that.  The headphones are for when I need to drown out EVERYTHING my own thoughts especially.

So, despite my shitty mood right now, which is really only shitty because of biology,  life has been over all pretty decent.   The dude fast?  Best decision... EVER!!  Seriously.  I can't even begin to express how liberating it is to choose not to talk to people.

 Here's the thing, there is a guy who I usually pine away for. I have since the beginning of my seperation.  We had two dates since I've moved back. (One was a date the other.. well.... ahem)  All my friends are like "Seriously, he's a douche leave him alone" and I would defend him and say "Oh, but we're just FRIENDS and I enjoy his FRIENDSHIP and I don't have any illusions about us being a couple."  But, I TOTALLY had illusions of us being a couple.  I'm talking, I had full blown fantasies that felt so real they made my heart ache, illusions about us being a couple.  Then I watched that movie Bridesmaids and the beginning scene where she tells that guy who she is sleeping with that she isn't looking for a relationship either and that she wants what he wants, and he doesn't want her, but he says just enough to keep her hooked?  Yeah, that was me and this guy.

WE had an amazing connection.  We DID, I will never deny that.  The first kiss we shared was probably the best kiss of my life.  Seriously.  The second was just as mind blowing, months later.  The sex?  UH-MAZE-ING.  I really felt this guy was my soul mate.  I still kind of do. (Shut it, Teri!!)  But, just because someone feels like your soul mate, that doesn't mean he's good for you.  Maybe, my soul is in a shitty place, and it's attracted to this kind of shitty guy.  I read about pain bodies, and now I truly believe our connection was our pain bodies, crashing into each other and hanging on.  We were both sad and miserable and it felt GOOD to both of us to know someone out there cared.

I know if he texted me right now, my heart would leap into my throat and I'd want to respond as if I wasn't on the dude fast.  I'd want him to tell me all the funny, sweet things I know he'd tell me, and I know we'd eventually start sexting (really his whole purpose in texting me usually) and I'd feel like shit tomorrow because I fell for it again.  I'd wait by my phone with baited breath tomorrow in hopes he'd throw me some little bone so I wouldn't feel so shitty.  And he probably wouldn't. 

If he were to text me right now, I'd explain to him about my decision to be on this fast of sorts.  He'd be alll "whatever" about it and I'd go on. Because I CAN'T FEEL LIKE THAT ANYMORE.  Especially over a guy who has made it crystal clear that he's just not that into me.

What's amazing to me is that I think I am having a harder time getting over this guy I never had anything with than I did with my ex.  My friends seem to think I use this guy as some kind of crutch, a surrogate "love" because it's easy and convenient and I never have to deal with an actual relationship since there isn't one.  That I feel the need to love, therefore I choose him knowing I can't have them.  I think maybe they're right.

I think that maybe, I can see that now and I'm not doing it anymore.