Yesterday, I was sitting at a table with 8 other people, joking around and having dinner. We were in a room full of men who had just finished a golf tourney. Someone made a joke about how I should hit on the guy who'd just bid $200 on a round of golf at some country club because he had money. (For the record he bid against himself twice, which indicicated to me he was probably bad with his money) Then as it always does when dating is discussed, the conversation turned to my boobs and how I, once again, have them covered.
My best friend is a guy and he insists that the best way to get a man is to show off some cleavage. We have gone back and forth about this for a few months. I decided to settle it once and for all and show him that he was WRONG. There were two other girls at the table. I knew they'd have my back, even if the guys didn't. Imagine my dismay when everyone, ladies included, all nodded and shrugged as if to say "Well duh of course!" My arms immediately crossed my chest to hide my knockers and I blushed.
I am a bigger girl now, but even when I was a skinny little whip of a thing, I had big boobs. They were always a source of embarrassment for me. I went to a military school and I DETESTED the days we had to wear the "salt and pepper" uniform, which consisted of tight ass pants and an even tighter white shirt. (Although, looking back I wonder if my shirts weren't given to me too tight by the old Navy Chief that ran the Supply) I was mortified that my buttons always strained to stay closed no matter how many times I traded it in for a new one. It was like the damn thing was MADE to shrink, but when they fitted you for it, they never took shrinkage into consideration!
Then as I got older and I got bigger, my boobs did, too. That comes with a whole other set of problems. I tried (and still try) not to be a "typical fat girl" and in my opinon, typical fat girls show off their tits because they have no other physical attribute that any man would want other than those. Even writing out that sentence, I see how stupid that sounds. Yet, that's how I feel and I don't know how to change it. Now, it's worse that I'm single. When I was married, I would occasionally show off some boobage because my husband liked it. I feel if I do it now, I'm just another single and desperate girl trying to do whatever it takes to get a man to talk to me.
Also, there is something wholly unsettling to know that maybe the reason my future husband to be talked to me was because I have huge boobs. I want him to come talk to me because I have a nice smile, or he liked my laugh and he wanted to make me laugh again. Maybe he thought I had beautiful or hair, or hell, nice legs. He thought my wit was sparkling and my eyes shone like the moon. Anything BUT my boobs.
I've tried recently to let them out, so to speak, and I can't do it. One day I had on a cute dress, and some cleavage and I thought "Ok, I'll go like this and if I feel weird being out of the house this way, I'll put this tank top on underneath." That's right, I brought a tank top with me, just in case. I got to my mom's house and I immediately put it on.
I realize that this is another form of self loathing that all women experience in one way shape or form. I value in myself my intellect and my humor. I like to be center of attention because my brain makes me so, not the two large lumps of flesh on my chest that I had no say in.
I don't even know what to do about this. I've had several people tell me I need to loosen up about this, my father included. Girls seem to think this is a no brainer and these are smart girls who are not at all skanky!!
What this all boils down to is being a 30 something single lady really blows.