My life is a LOT easier when Ex and I just don't speak to each other. It's just going to take some time to get to the point where we can talk without arguing. We've given it a good effort, and at times it seemed like we could do it, but it always managed to fall apart.
It's hard to suddenly lose your best friend. It's not like I sit and pine for that person either, which makes it even more weird. All of a sudden, you don't feel that way about this person, and you're ok with it for the most part. Sure, you'll think of something from the past and get nostalgic for what you once had, but it doesn't happen very often.
Ex was never a mean person, he never said an ill word toward me, he never hit me, or was verbally abusive. He was a good provider who always worked hard. So, what was the problem? Well, I wasn't aware there was a problem until the shit hit the fan. Looking back, the only thing I can say is that we grew apart. He seemed to stop caring about the family, focusing on work and school. The more he pulled away, the more angry I got and anger was probably the wrong emotion. Where we once went to bed together every night watching Adult Swim, was now replaced with him going to bed alone while I relished the quiet solitude of the night. There was a time I would hear his car pulling into the driveway and I would run to meet him at the door. Near the end I was barely looking up from what I was doing to greet him when he came in.
I don't know why it happened, I don't know how. I don't know what changed between us, what changed IN us. It just all got overwhelming, suffocating, and I think it got easier to ignore there was an issue than to try to fix the issue. It was easier to not rock the boat, because when the boat was rocked, things weren't fixed anyway. It was always the same arguments over and over. He was selfish, I was controlling. Throw in jabs about each others families, rinse and repeat.
At the end of the day, Ex and I bring out the worse in each other. It wasn't always like that, but that's how it ended. The last time we had a "discussion" it ended with me throwing a pencil in his face, and him throwing my purse across the room. When that happened, I knew it was going to take a lot of time and energy to fix this if we ever wanted to do that, and that's time and energy maybe best spent elsewhere.