Sunday, September 26, 2010

Seasoning With Reason

Three weeks ago, I attended my weekly talk therapy session. I've been doing weekly sessions for about 2 years now, and honestly I don't know why it took me so long. Even though I think my family's motto of "Just Get Over It Already!" is stupid, I guess a part of me felt the same and the thought of sharing my thoughts and secrets and feelings with a stranger was a little too much and would be something I could handle on my own. I am so glad I took the step, it's been a big help to me. Telling someone objective, out loud your thoughts, where you don't have to worry about how what you say will affect that person, or if it will get back to another person, and not being judged in general does wonders for your psyche.

Anyway, I was telling my therapist about the guy who followed me into a parking lot to berate me for a bad traffic mistake on my part, and after I finished he asked me why I felt the need to engage with this person in this way. That I should have just called 9-1-1 instead of arguing with him for twenty minutes. He said it was obvious the man was irrational and no matter how much I tried to convince him, he wasn't going to suddenly become rational. He then pointed out that this is how I interact with Ex as well.

The only answer I could offer him was that I just feel the need to get the other person to see REASON, because it's so obvious to me that what I'm saying should almost go without saying. In the instance of the crazy guy, I said I was sorry, we were both safe, what more do you want? With Ex, spending every night with your new girlfriend in St. Louis, leaving the children behind that you haven't seen in six months is just wrong. Anyone with any kind of common sense can SEE that, and I guess I engage because if they just THOUGHT about it, they'd get it.

So, I've tried hard since this session to not engage Ex in these kinds of "reasoning sessions" as I've dubbed them. What I see as reasoning, he sees as bitching especially if I'm reasoning loudly. No matter how rational I'm being, if the other person is irrational then I'm just talking myself blue in the face. To stop this cycle, I've just stopped talking to him when he's around because that's the only way I can assure that I don't "reason".

Today, I got a text saying he needed me to call. It was so that he could bitch at me about something really asinine in light of how he's been treating the particular situation. Pretty much, he was just waiting for me to make a mistake to point fingers at me, even though his behavior in this situation has been WAY WAY worse. I was proud of myself. I didn't try to reason. I just stated my issues in a calm way. He seemed flustered by it which was kind of funny.

The last three weeks though have brought me a new found peace. Even though I knew I can't change the way he thinks, or change the way he does things, actually practicing that in actuality has set me free. I no longer obsess why he does what he does, treats us the way he does. I have finally taken the stance of its not my problem to heart. I thought it would be tough, but it hasn't been. I worry about me and my two babies and pups and it makes my life so much... simpler.


  1. Amen!! You have reached a milestone, Sandi. I know the kind of effort it takes to not engage . . . congrats!

  2. Hi, I've been a lurker for a while and first time commenter. Just want to say that this post makes me really happy for you. Which may sound strange since we have never met, haha, but this disengagement takes guts!

  3. Thank you, Stephanie! You know some of my very best friends in the world started out as online friends who I only spoke to online for years before actually meeting, including the commenter above you, Stacey LOL. So it's not weird at all. Thank you for reading. :)