Monday, November 22, 2010

8 Months

I have been seperated for 8 months. I guess, technically it could be counted as 10, and I think if X had his way, it would be considered that so that we could be officially divorced in 2. Of course we live in one of 13 or so states that makes you wait a year to get divorced if you have children. On one hand I get it. I think often times, people get divorced too soon. Maybe, they've met someone and have fallen in lust, or maybe they just weren't thinking clearly. I know of a few people who benefitted from the 12 month waiting period. Before the time was up, they got back together and lived happily ever after.

That's not the case for me and X. If I wasn't worried about health insurance, I'd probably change the date to January too. He and I have such a tainted, horrible relationship. We bring out the worst in each other, there is no denying that. I don't even recognize myself when I'm around him. I feel instantly angry. I belittle and insult him every chance I get. I dig in my claws and kick him when he's down. The sight of him makes me feel disgust, and the smell of his smoke infused clothes makes me feel nauseous. Unfortunately, this is not something new that has developed since the seperation. The insulting and belittling, I am ashamed to admit, existed through most our relationship. The disgust and nausea, probably the last year or two of our marriage.

Sometimes, it's just best all round to call it quits. I read an interesting quote that by Joyce Brothers: "For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life."

It's true and that's how I feel now. That's not exactly how I've always felt. A few months ago, even though I knew it was for the best, I still kind of held out hope that we could work it out. It was my stubborness shining through. X though, had the foresight to see what I couldn't. Nothing was going to make it work, nothing was going to change and if I may offer another quote from Motley Crue "Nothin' left to do. Too many things were said, to ever make it feel like yesterday did."

So, I move forward and move on and enjoy the stress free life that I am living quite happily. Right now I have the luxury of living in an in-between bubble. Once I move, all that will change. I'll have to actually start living a different life. Sometimes here in the house X and I decided to make our home, I feel like I'm playing a "single mommy" simulation game. Yeah it's kind of hard, sometimes sucky, but it isn't going to be anything like how it's going to be once I leave my cozy bubble. You know what? That's ok. I'm looking forward to it.

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