Monday, April 19, 2010

Breaking It To The Kids

Telling the kids of a seperation/divorce I always assumed would be hard. The way I saw it going down in my head was that Tony and I would sit down when he got back from deployment and talk to them about it. The thing is, kids aren't fools and we find ourselves in an odd situation. What other conclusion can you come to when mom is on the phone asking "What about the lawn mower? Can I take that or what? Ok, great. Well, what is your deal? What DO YOU want? Just tell me! What do you mean personal things?!? Just your clothes?"

So, yeah that's how our kids got to find out. While Tony and I were on the phone trying to figure all this out. I feel like a heel, yet really what could I do? He's halfway around the world, the time difference is crazy and I tried to call when they were outside playing. You know how kids are, when you need privacy they come after you like hungry wolves circling the kill. They have an innate sense of when to come in at the worst possible time. It works in almost every situation from when you want to use the bathroom, to when you want to grab a quick afternoon delight, and when you're discussing with your ex how he can keep the fucking patio set because you've always hated it anyway.

Aislinn, of course cried her eyes out. While Tony was on the phone I tried to console her. She immediately asked if we were moving. I said yes. She cried harder. Tony asked to talk to her, and I told her and she refused to talk to him. I explained we had to move. I gave her positives to why we had to move all of which she negated. Tony asked to speak to her again, she refused once more and then reconsidered. She said "I will talk to him if he tells me we don't have to move." and I said "Honey, he's not going to say that." she bawled more. I hissed something on the phone to Tony that was unpleasant and hung up on him. I had no time to worry about his feelings, my baby was hurting.

The crying didn't last long. Jonny of course was oblivious. They went about their day and played outside.

Yesterday I worked in the yard. At one point, Aislinn stopped in her play to say hi to me and hang out for a moment. She asked what I was doing, and why I was doing it because being the innocent child she is, why do work if you could do something else? I saw this as a good opportunity to get a sense of what she is feeling. I asked her if she was ok. She said yes. She said something about her dad that wasn't very positive. I told her she should NEVER say that about her dad. She looked at me and said "But, I thought you would want me to."

Oh my little baby. How she hurts. I explained that I never, ever would expect her to dislike her dad or be mad at him for anything. That what is going on? That is between me and dad and nothing to do with her and her brother. That I would not expect her ever to be mad at him for my sake. That she never has to choose sides. That we both love her fully and unconditionally and we will BOTH be there for her, even if we live apart. I told her that her dad loves her very much. That by loving her father she is not being disloyal to me, and by loving me she is not being disloyal to him. We both have her best interest at heart and nothing more.

She took this all in a quiet way. Sitting there on the ground, head down, hair falling in her face. My sensitive girl, the girl who hates change, having to deal with such a monumental event in her life. I asked her if she felt funny talking about it and she said she did. I told her that if she ever needed to talk or anything she knows she can come to me or her dad and we'll explain it the best we can. She said ok and then looked up at me and said "I do have a question." Feeling a little better that she's talking I excitedly said "Ok! Great! Sure. What is the question?" She got quiet for a second, and then blurted out "Is ok if I'm mad at him anyway?"

My heart broke in a million pieces. I assured her it was ok. That she is allowed to feel anyway she wants.

My poor baby.

1 comment:

  1. awww this made me cry :( Poor baby :( Even though both of my kids miss their dad, it just seems harder for A to deal with it - because he's older, and also because of the ASD. G was so young when her dad left, but A remembered him so well. Sometimes when he cries, I cry too, because I get so sad that he already has so many other things to deal with and sadness shouldn't have to be one of them. big hugs to you all. you're a great mama