Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Life's a Garden. Dig It

Today at work the assistant branch manager at the fancy pants branch, (The one I work two days a week while my home branch is closed) asked everyone for inspirational quotes for the break room. I was all "LAME" because inspiritional quotes are great, but a lot of the time, they go in one ear and out the other, or in the case of them being pasted all over our break room, in one eye and out the other. Sure, some of them make me go "Hmmm yeah, ok I get it." but then I go back to my Words with Friends games and my pathetic QT lunch that consists of a jalapeno cheddar bite with mustard, a bag of Cheetos and a 32 oz unsweetened ice tea with crushed ice and one packet of Splenda. None of which I will finish before my hour is up, except for the list of WwF games. (Yeah I've had major loss of appetite lately but hey I'm skinnier!)

As a joke, I proposed the "Life's a garden. Dig it" quote and well, it's stuck and will now proudly go up on the wall at work as an inspirational quote. When you think about it though, it's a great sentiment. It's easy to remember, and really life IS a garden and you SHOULD dig it. Every garden is hard work, you have to cultivate it, pull weeds, water it, love it, care for it, and the end result is something pretty fantastic. If you neglect it, well you just have a patch of dirt full of weeds that has become the litter box for all the stray cats in the neighborhood, with the occasional Hep C covered needle thrown in for funsies.

I'm trying to dig my garden. I'm getting there. With each passing day, my life gets a little bit less restricted, my breathing a bit easier. The funny part about it is that right now is probably the most stressful time and it's probably going to get nothing but harder in the coming months. I knew this time would come, and I'm semi prepared for it surprisingly enough.

I feel a change in me. I mentioned before by how shocked I was that I still hurt from this whole experience. Acknowledging that has done wonders for me, and I see I wasn't ready to acknowledge it until recently.

Being vulnerable is hard for me right now. I cried on the phone with a very good friend the other day and was truly mortified, even though I know my friend was probably thinking "Christ, it's about fucking time you psycho." Because I can't allow myself to go there. I don't know why. I can't expose my tender underbelly to anyone just yet. Friends and family get glimpses here and there, but I seem to be in full on protection mode. That's ok, but I do miss feeling with abandon.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Just for Today

1. Just for today, I will not be angry.

2. Just for today I will not worry.

3. Just for today, I will be grateful
4. Just for today, I will do my work honestly.

5. Just for today I will be kind to every living thing.

I found this online yesterday while reasearching Reiki healing for an article I was writing. These are the five principles of Reiki healing and they really kind of stuck with me all day today. I like the phrase "Just for today" the most.

"Just for today" sums it up perfectly. We can't change yesterday and we can't predict tomorrow. We can only focus on now. We can't even focus on five minutes from now. So many times, we as humans put ourselves under so much undo pressure thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow. Or we trap ourselves under huge blanketing and all emcompassing statements that are more harmful than helpful. We need to replace the phrase "From now on" with "Just for today".

"From now on, I'm going to eat healthier!" or "Just for today, I'm going to eat healthier." One is almost always going to set you up for failure, because from now on is a long effing time, and the minute you screw it up, you feel bad. But, if you tell yourself everday "Just for today, I'll eat better." then you're allowing yourself a choice to do something positive just for that day, no more, no less. I like to think that if you are gentle with yourself, you'll make better choices. Also, if we're gentle to ourselves, then others will be as well.

The first way is like an order, the second one a gentle suggestion and a gentle suggestion will always do the trick, it allows the person to make the decision theirs, even if that person is yourself. One way is a burden, the other is empowering.

Hell, I can even see this working for your negative thoughts as well "Just for today, I'm going to dwell on why that fucker didn't call." Dwell on it, all day if you want. Because maybe that will help you let it go. Maybe that will make you see reason and see maybe the reason behind the negative wasn't ill intent. Or maybe it wasn't quite the way you thought it was. Whatever. Or maybe you just need to dwell on it because that's what you need to do, even if it doesn't serve any higher enlightenment.

I talked about OD@AT once which stands for "One DAy At A Time" and I realize that I've strayed from the concept that brought me much comfort in the past. I've become focused too much on the future, mainly because I'm scared. Scared of many things, where I'll live when I have to move, where will my job take me, should I go to school, will the kids be ok the older they get, will I find that perfect half of me and live forever in bliss with him? None of these things can be changed NOW and need to happen as time allows. If for some reason I do have to wait the 13 years to find my true love, what can I do about it now? Why am I so worried about it? Some things you just can't be proactive on. Some things, being proactive means doing little things everyday that accumulate over time, so that when the big bad scary thing happens, you're prepared for it.

I'm all philisophical about it now, but it's a struggle for me to remember that worrying gets me nowhere and it's something I still need to work on and will be harder for me to work on without my medication because of my naturally high anxiety levels I have had since I was a kid. But, I'll get by and I'll get through it and come out shining and a better person for it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Ramblings of a Tired White Woman. Or Korean. Whatever

Because this girl finna vent.

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm tired AND lonely. I know that this time is a much needed time to heal and focus on the kids and myself and my job and my other job and my houswork and maybe getting around to unpacking those boxes.

But, damn it. It sucks. It sucks harder than.... that's how hard it is, my brain is so fried, I can't even come up with a funny anology. It sucks harder than a whore. There. That's all I got.

I will say this though, I am more TIRED than I am lonely. I'm sure the tired part kind of overpowers the lonely by default. I'm at times, just too damn tired to care about trying to find a meaningful and long lasting relationship. Yet I find myself thinking about it a lot lately.

I'm done with flings. I'm ready for a connection. That spark, that something special. That one I want my parents to meet, the one I want to introduce my sisters to, the one that goes with me to hang out with my friends. The one I can take to a wedding if I needed to and not feel funny about it.

THAT one. You know, you all have either had it or have it now.

I'm not looking to get married or anything. Just you know, that sweet little thing that comes along and makes life just THAT much better.

But, I can't focus on that now, and no matter how much I want it, I don't feel like finding it right now. I want to be all lazy and have it find me, and maybe it will. It does feel right what I'm doing now. Just chilling and being me and focusing on my kids. So, really I'm not too worried about.

But, I am.

Does that make sense?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

My Check Broken Heart Light is On.

I'll admit that May was kind of a sucky month and I wasn't in my best spirits. I am going to blame it on coming completely off the meds and a terrible relationship with my ex husband. It was so bad in May. I think we're turning a corner and hopefully we'll be able to talk respectfully to each other, keeping the kids best interest in mind and not our own agendas and hurt feelings.

I realize that my feelings are still hurt over a year later. I wonder how long will my feelings NOT be hurt? Maybe Jerry at work is right, it's going to take me 13 years to get over the situation. Maybe the first year of saying I was fine didn't help either. Maybe the first year was my big fucked up band-aid over a severely broken heart. And maybe, that's ok. Because when your world has been turned upside in that way, I think you get a pass the first year. I remember my friend, Mike and his first year after his wife left him. After the first year, his step dad looked at his finances and was like "Enough. We let you go, but it's been long enough. It's time to buckle down and get over it." (I'm paraphrasing) but I think that's the point I reached. Enough. Enough of all the bullshit. My free pass has expired.

I can't explain it. I am fine. But, my heart is still broken. What will heal it? I don't know. I'm just coming to the realization that it's still broken. When someone says something about a broken heart, I think people assume that mean you want that person back. Oh fuck no. What it means is that you entrusted it to someone who just beat it to hell. When I got back, I kind of freaked out and was like.. "Oh ok... my heart is in a million pieces! But, it's FINE! Here, lets see what I have around here to fix it. Ok.. scotch tape. Ummm oh and this school glue. There! All better see? It's fine! I'm fine!" and then you go on your merry way ignoring its deplorable state and trying to just live life with this piece of shit heart that is barely hanging on. It's like the check engine light in your car. You ignore until your stuck on the side of the highway with your flashers on waiting for AAA.

I wish there was a AAA for broken hearts.