Sunday, April 29, 2012

Taking Me Off the Table

I did it today.  I told Peanut Butter Cheesecake to hit the bricks. 

After the Margaret Cho incident, I had kind of closed my heart to him.  He texted a few times, but it was just regular chit chat.  The boring old "Hey how's it going."  This morning, I got a good morning text at like 8 am. Long story short, he said something about missing me, and when I made a joke about coming to his house and stabbing him, he said "It would be ok because that would mean I can see you."

My heart fluttered at that statement.  I was so excited that he would say something like that.  I started to think about the last time we were together, how great it was, how much fun we had, and how I would love to do it again, and then I realized that was A YEAR AGO.

My heart that was just fluttering moment ago, well it broke a little.  I got to wondering why he hasn't wanted to see me in 12 months.  Why he continues to say he misses me, he wants to see me, and going so far as to say he loves me at times, but it's nothing more than a texting/phone relationship. What does he get from this?  It's not even sexting, it's just an occasional conversation about nothing every few weeks.  Yet, these conversations leave me wanting and longing for someone that obviously doesn't want me back.

I have been trying to ignore him for about 6 months now.  Swearing to myself that I would no longer answer his texts or phone calls.  Yet, every time I would answer almost immediately.  We joke back and forth, I make a passive aggressive comment about how weird this whole thing is and then I don't hear from him for weeks.  I finally decided that I didn't care how melodramatic I sounded, I had to END IT with words. 

So, I did.  A part of me wanted him to convince me not to let him go and of course he didn't do that.  He said it "sucked" that we couldn't be friends and he hoped I had a nice life.

/Our weird friendship started from mutual pain, both of us in crappy situations.  I felt that he was THE ONE for me and that if I just waited, he'd eventually come around.  Today, I decided he doesn't get to call all the shots.  I took ME off the table forever. 

I feel so... free.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My Own Worst Enemy

Yesterday, the water delivery guy had to make a visit to our branch because I kinda broke our water cooler. In my defense, I was trying to clean out the green gunk from a part of it that we just ignore for sanity sake. It started working again before he showed up, so thats why I say I kinda broke it.

He is a very handsome man. I could tell he was checking me out and being the total dork I am, instead of being cool and flirty, I was flustered and giggly and avoided him all together. He left and I was totally embarrassed.

Jewell said I should have said something, anything to let him know I was interested. I asked her for an example and being Jewell she said something really foul that had us doubled over, laughing.

This is why I'll die a lonely. I don't do well around people. For me, men have two categories. The first is the "buddy" category. The other is "must avoid because I don't want to look like an idiot" category.

I am hyper aware of looking desperate. If I like you, if I think you're a hunk of gorgeous man meat, I lose my ability to flirt. I won't even make eye contact because I don't want you to think I want you. I don't want to come off as desperate or lonely. My pride won't allow me to be vulnerable, to show that you make me feel things.

A co-worker mentioned setting me up with someone and I had to MAKE myself ask about him today. I didn't even want my coworker to see me vulnerable, to hear the hope in my voice, the longing in my words. To see the tentative optimism on my face. As if she's go back and say "Forget her, she's a class five clinger".

I am my own downfall. Always.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Bored at court

Well, I am sitting in court waiting for my marriage to end. To be officially "unwanted". I know that sounds melodramatic and crap, but it's kind of the truth.

The fact is, I don't like change. Maybe, I've got the touch of the Asperger. Who knows? Anyway. It's not as hard as I thought it would be but it's still no walk in the park either. We're sitting far apart. I like it that way.

I showed up and saw my ex already waiting. Seeing no need to really speak to him, I just continued to head toward the courtroom to see if my lawyer was here yet. My ex called my name and I turned around and said "Yes?". He said our lawyers weren't there yet and I said "mmm okay" and peeped in just in case. I then sat down on the opposite side of the hall. He sighed and pulled out his phone.

What does he expect from me? Greetings? A handshake? Fuck you. Maybe if he showed more of an interest in his children. The other day he called and I racked my brain to figure out why he was calling. I was still at work and couldn't answer. He said he wanted to talk to the kids. I can honestly say that, THAT had never crossed my mind, because the last time he called to speak to them during the week, was easily in September.

My life has moved on, but I'm still angry at this man who lied and cheated. I thought that since he was out of the marriage, he'd show more of an interest in the kids. That he'd feel relieved from the pressure of being with me and he could focus on them more. I thought if any good came from this, it would be that the kids would have their dad's focus. Sure, he takes them on his weekends, but does nothing with them. The kids say he sits around playing video games or locked in the bedroom with his girlfriend or gone while her daughter babysits them.

Today, I have an appointment with the school about Aislinn and getting an IEP in place for her. They diagnosis of Asperger syndrome has come back again. There was some back and forth in Virginia about whether or not she had it, but she does. I told him about this meeting and he never said he'd go or anything. He probably couldn't tell you what classes she has nor has he asked for a report card all year. I'm sure though, to his friends and to his lawyer, I'm just the mean, evil ex
Who doesn't provide that information.