Moving on has been easier for me than I originally anticipated. For the most part it has been a pretty positive experience. There is still a tiny part of me that is saddened by the fact that my marriage was so unknowingly sucky and that I was able to deal with it and move on without much of a backwards glance.
I can't begin to explain it. If you had asked me a mere seven months ago, I would have told you that Tony and I were completely and madly in love, that life didn't get much better than what we had together. I would have told you that losing him would be like sucking the soul from my body and I would be nothing more than a lifeless husk. When he said he was done, I was devastated. It hit me from out of nowhere and it sent me reeling. Yet, once my world stop spinning and came back under control, I realized that it wasn't going to be so bad after all.
I felt like the blinders were off once and for all. It's amazing how as humans we can lie to ourselves so thoroughly to convince ourselves that life is ok. We ignore the shadows and the Scarlett O'Hara comes out in us saying "I'll think about that another day." and we move on. We will tell ourselves whatever it takes to make life bearable. For me it was that being a military family is hard. We are going to have highs and lows, dips and valleys, but the fact that we remain a family is what is going to get us through. I truly believed that with my whole heart and soul.
I am thankful that things have turned out the way they did. Sure, it's a lot of mess and muck we have to wade through but I've honestly never felt happier. I'm free from so many things and I don't mean just my marriage or husband. There are other things that I am able to let go of that have made me feel reborn. Sometimes I sit in wonderment at what I'm NOT doing that the old me would be doing. I am awestruck about what I'm NOT thining about, as opposed to what I am. I, for once see the silver linings in almost everything without trying now.
I've had pain, don't get me wrong. The pain is like getting a tattoo. It hurts like hell and just when you think you're done, you can't take the pain anymore you're finished. You look down and see something beautiful that is forever yours. The pain got you there and in the end you're thankful for that pain and what it has brought you.