Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's December Already?

Wow. Time has really flown by, if I may sound so very cliche. It seems like my life has been a whirlwind the last 8 months, and that's saying something since I haven't really been doing much of anything.

We are officially moving on Saturday. I'm really excited because it is finally happening. If we had moved when X wanted us to back in August, I would be stuck in a house without my stuff right now and I would have been one pissed off lady. As of now, we're leaving without our stuff, but X is working on getting it moved as he finally has his orders. Even though he was irked that I didn't leave when we agreed, last night when we spoke briefly I said "Can you imagine how pissed off I would have been. I would have been calling you everday for the last four months, bitching at you every chance I got." He begrudgingly agreed that staying was the best option. We even had a decent conversation about Jonny's hair.

Then I was talking, he assumed I was being pissy, I wasn't because I'm past that point of trying to poke at him just to piss him off if there isn't a legitimate reason. I tried explaining that. Then, I tried to talk to him about some things that Aislinn had said to me. He told the kids last weekend he's moving in with his girlfriend, and Aislinn is very, very upset about this.

She's afraid that she'll never see her dad (This was actually something I didn't tell him because he'd assume I made it up. To hear your ten year old say that is heartbreaking.) and if she DOES see him, she'll never have any one on one time with him, and that his girlfriend will "always be around". I tried to explain to her that it would be ok, that she'll probably be complaining one day about having one of my boyfriends "always around" to which she replied, "You've had a boyfriend forever mom and we've never met him, so you don't DRAG HIM to everything we do. You do things alone with us and I like that." I won't lie, it made me feel good to know I was doing this the right way. Still I told her that she needs to give his girlfriend a chance and that I'm sure it will be fine, and that I would not tolerate any rudeness or disrespect from her or Jonny toward her dad or his girlfriend.

X of course, immediately got defensive. I get it. He agreed that he wouldn't move in with her, but honestly I knew it was going to happen. He'd use money as an excuse, but really X can't be alone. He's never lived on his own. EVER. I mean look at when he was in A school, living alone with just a roomate and he ended up cheating on me. When he went to Florida for recruiting school, I'm positive he cheated on me there too because all of a sudden, the man who LOVES to talk on the phone (he had a cell at the time too) was very, very hard to get a hold of. Just like when he cheated on me in A school, and just like when he started the online affair with his girlfriend.

So, I'm not at all surprised or dismayed or upset or sad. I do worry that he won't see his children as much as he can. Recruiting is a tough gig and that was when our marriage really started to hit the skids I think, and that was with years or Navy wife-ing under my belt. He says now that he knows what he's doing it shouldn't be so bad, which makes no sense. It was suckier at the end when he was the star recruiter than at the beginning. But, I keep hope for the kids. They adore their father and I want to keep it that way. He assumes I bitch because I want to keep him under MY thumb. Oh hardly. If I could figure out a way to never have to see him again, I would do it. I bitch because I can't bear the kids running to the phone everytime it rings to see if it's him because they haven't heard from him in two weeks. Sure I could make them call him, but at the end of the day, the kids want to know their dad cares enough to pick up the phone and see how they're doing.

He swears he's going to be there for them, and that's the only thing I can go on. My life is about to get much harder and I would like to think I can depend on him to help out with daycare or sick days when I need to, but I'm almost positive I can't as he's said in the past that his girlfriend is afraid I'm going to dump the kids off on him all the time. First of all, they're his kids, so when he HAS them, he's not babysitting he's PARENTING. I didn't go off and have these kids on my own damn it. Also, I haven't done that here in Virginia when he's literally my only option if I need help. So, if I didn't do that here, then I won't do that there unless I really have to and I may have to because I'll be working. I told him that if I come to him it's because I've exhausted every other option. The sad thing is I should be able to come to him FIRST out of everyone back home to see if he can help with the kids.

Blah, this turned into a bitching post. I try really hard to not bitch. Oh well. I am super excited to move but I will very much miss my boyfriend, Ken. He's been awesome and amazing and understanding of my situation. He knew from the moment I met him that I'm leaving and he could have walked away, but he chose not to. I wish I could pack him in my suitcase and take him with me, but he very much dislikes St. Louis. I can't say that I blame him.

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