Even though I do not miss Tony per se, there are things I do miss about being a married couple. There is always a secret language that each married couple share. Each couple have their routines and their inside jokes. Sometimes those little things crop up and I think "Awww I'll probably never discuss that again."
Take for instance today before I left for the bus stop. I hurriedly gulped the rest of my coffee down before walking out the door. Had Tony been here he would have gone with me to the bus stop and taken his coffee with him. We would joke about my guzzling since I feel the air outside compromises the taste of the coffee. When it hits the outside air something happens and it makes it taste funny to me. He thought I was crazy, I swore he had numb taste buds and we'd laugh about it every single time.
Another thing is everytime we leave the house I make sure he has the keys about fifty times before I close the door. Fifty times he'd reassure yes, he had the keys. Then when we got out of the car, I'd insist on seeing the keys before closing the door. He'd show me. When we would get back to the car, I would panic and ask "You have the keys right?" He was always patient about that. And now I get to have those freak outs on my own.
I'm ok with that. You know, right now I'm enjoying my carefree life more than I imagined I would. My therapist asked me if I missed him, and I thought long and hard for about half a minute and I said "Honestly, no." A part of me feels so fucking guilty for not missing him. Like, why? What is wrong with me? My marriage is over, not even by own hand, why don't I care more than I do?