Wednesday, June 9, 2010

That's A Man, Baby.

It seems my ability to not feel is starting to wane. All of a sudden I'm being hit with icky feelings and emotions. I have to say I'm not really digging it all too much.

I blame my therapist. I know that is his job, but damn him. Why can't he just nod his head instead of making me THINK about myself? First it was "Do you ever wonder why you feel to emasculate Tony everytime you talk to him?" then it was "Not only did he cheat, but he cheated on you with someone you knew and hated." then it was "I worry if you're really feeling what you should be right now. It's ok to be sad." It was like he took an ice pick and chipped away at the wall of ice around my heart and it's starting to thaw and I don't like it one bit.

The thing that bothers me the most is I feel like such a girl about it. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I just wish I could go back to feeling very little of nothing about anything other than happiness for my situation. I want those days where I walked around the house with nothing but a smile and an overblown sense of relief. When I would strut around like nothing could touch me, nothing could hold me down, like the world was my oyster. Now I feel like I'm walking around like a little old woman, clutching her bag as she walks past a group of questionable youths.

1 comment:

  1. You'll get back there again. And if you can get back to that place of happiness after having processed the grief and dealt with the icky feelings, it's going to be 100x better than the kind of happiness that sits on top of suppressed sadness. I'm sorry you're getting into the icky feelings now but I am also glad to see you getting there . . . because I know it will bring you one step closer to working through this to get to the other side. And I promise you, it will be worth it.