Friday, May 28, 2010

Who knew?

Who Knew

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
?Cause they're all wrong

I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?

I still have moments of sadness and it makes me mad sometimes that I can still get upset. Peopple say that it's not even been three months and to cut myself some slack. For the most part I have handled this all pretty well, that I need to expect that after 12 years of marriage and 17 years of togetherness I'm going to have small bouts of sadness. The above song made me cry today on the highway. Compleletey unexpected and I was so upset with myself that I allowed some dumb song to bring me down. I had a similiar instance on tv where a vow renewal scene made me feel like I had been punched in the gut.

It has recently come to light that Tony had an affair three months after our wedding. When first confronted with the fact that I was about to find out his dirty little secret, instead of coming clean and telling me the truth 100%, he once again chose to lie. He claimed he had a 1 night drunken stand. I found out otherwise.

At first, I felt ill. I cried. I wondered had he ever loved me? Was I just a mistake he thought he could outrun by joining the Navy because he never thought I would follow? Was he kicking himself when he realized I was willing to go anywhere for him? It's some straight Dr. Phil/Maury shit and it makes me angry.

I used to say all the time that if Tony hadn't joined the Navy, I don't know if we'd be legally married. It wasn't important to me. I didn't understand how a piece of paper made you "more committed" than a couple without one. This used to upset Tony. He always said the act of marriage was special and that things change when you get married. The irony is he cheated and I didn't. Like I said.. that piece of paper doesn't mean shit.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Not the Post I thought I'd Be Writing Today

Originally, my plan was to write about my wonderful weekend I had with an unexpected person that came into my life. It was meant to be light hearted and fun and a way to show that opportunities come in the strangest ways and are you going to take them or get stuck on who the gift giver is.

Instead, I'll probably go on about emotional rape. Yes, I just said emotional RAPE. A mind fuck if you will. A 14 year long mind fuck.

I have had the most emotional fucking 24 hours since this whole fucking seperation began. If I thought it couldn't get any worse, it has and I feel shittier now than when it all first started.

On Thursday I get an email from a particular girl who I have hated for many years who wanted to friend request me on Facebook. Now, normally just seeing this girl's name would send me into pissed off mode. Yet, I found it didn't bother me. I realized it was one more thing to be free of since we split apart. She sent a very nice message complimenting me on my writing and she offered to show me how I could possibly make money doing what I love. That she knows it seems odd but she's been in my shoes and just wants to help me. A few back and forth, numbers are exchanged, address is given and I have a date with my most hated enemy for Saturday.

Saturday rolls around and with slight trepidation I head to her house, kids in tow. We show up and there's initial awkwardness but nothing crazy or uncomfortable. Both of us would kind of look at each, laugh nervously and say "This is crazy fucked up right now." She offered me a beer and I took it whole heartedly. We sat outside, chatted a bit about this and that. As the night wore on, more alcohol was consumed, we were laughing and having a great time. We re-introduced ourselves to one another since we both are so different now. We never did talk about the writing, but that will come soon.

Real quick, I'll just say that this was the ultimate test for me. Like Fate said.. "Ok here is an opportunity, but it's going to come in the form of your most hated person. What do you do? Do you hang on to your pride and turn your back on something that can be beneficial and life affirming? Or, are you going to swallow your pride, humble yourself and look at not WHO is offering you this gift, but on the gift itself?" It was an amazing experience to have because I know from the way I chose, my head is on straight.

Now on to the emotional raping.

The reason why this girl is my most hated enemy is because Tony cheated on me with her. I know he did. Tony? He has denied it for years. From the day we got back together, through our whole relationship. He would tell me to get over it already, he didn't start sleeping with her until after we broke up, why was I obsessed with it, why am I so insecure. He made me feel crazy. He made me feel like I was an insecure girl. He made me feel like shit.

It was true.

While Mel was talking, she said something that proved it. She said it in a way that made it seem she had NO idea I didn't know. I didn't even say anything when it came out. I just took the snippet of conversation and stored it in my pocket for when I needed it. I needed it yesterday. It all came out. He basically mind fucked me for 14 years. The lie became a part of our family. It sat with us at the dinner table, it laid between us in bed. Everytime I would cringe when he touched me I now know it was because I felt that lie.

I feel sick. Hurt. Angry.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Getting There

Tony and I are actually talking more now than when we were still together. It's getting better. More comfortable, less poking at each other. If one of us says something that might set the other off, we quickly clarify it's meaning. It's kind of a shame that we couldn't do that, well that I couldn't do that ,when we were together. I just take it as proof that we were so unhappy. It's kind of like you treat strangers nicer than your own family. It's a shame but it's true.

I'm honestly ok with this seperation/divorce. I never have fantasies about us getting back together. Now, I just think how it awesome it will be if we can ever get to a point where his new family and my new family can maybe go on vacations together. With hard work and dedication to our children I can honestly say we can get there.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

How Did We Get Here

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well.
But, how did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Decode by Paramore

When I got my Iphone a few weeks after the "big day" I used this song as my ringtone. Just a constant, everday reminder that my life was a big ball of suck.

Yesterday, I changed it to a punk version of "Umbrella" So there you go. Now I get nice happy tune.. er um as long I don't listen to the lyrics that are actually very romantic and sweet. DAMN IT!

Anyway, how did we get here? There are so many different answers. None of them really matter though. None of it can be changed. We can go back to the first day and see where circumstances and events pushed us together and consequently to this place.

I know through my writing I paint Tony as a villain. I have to say that these are my feelings that I write, but I don't think of him as a villain. Obviously, this is my version of the story. No side is right or wrong.

One thing I do want to make clear is that I love Tony very much. I think I always will. He will always be the father of my children no matter how annoyed he makes me or how angry. Our marriage wasn't a mistake because we got two beautiful gifts out of it. We were young and we grew apart. That is all there is too it.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I Absolve Thee...

This post may be scattered but I'm just going to go with it. Who knows, it may come out quite structured and concise. I doubt it, but you never know.

My time is ticking and it's crazy. I only have about 2 months until Tony comes home and about about 3 until I move home. My feelings can be anything at any given moment but overall the feeling is one of acceptance. Sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's exhilerating, sometimes it's just meh. Through it all though is acceptance. I accept these challenges, these feelings, this time in my life. I embrace it all, sometimes with fervor, sometimes grudgingly, sometimes while I cry in pain. What else can one do? We can either cling to what we have and move forward, or we can cling to what we don't and stay behind. I'd rather move on thank you very much.

Our cautious foray into "friends" territory is confusing. You can't suddenly erase 17 years of constant companionship. One second it's like nothing is wrong, cracking jokes over the phone about everyday things, and then the next something is said to make it all too clear it was nothing more than a mirage, a semblance of the old times.

He called on Saturday to talk about the kids, I needed to ask him a question about his trip with the kids when he gets home, something about the dogs and what we would do with them since I plan on visiting a friend during that time. We start talking and the cycle I mentioned in my previous post starts. Good natured joking, needless teasing, outright poking, then argument. Calm. Rinse and Repeat until your eyes are puffy and your nose is running.

Basically what Tony needed right then is for me to accept my part in this failed marriage. Which I thought I had done a million times in many different ways. Over the phone, email and chat. I really didn't understand WHAT he wanted from me. Finally, crying and confused, distraught and drained I sobbed "Just TELL me the words that you need to hear from me so you can STOP making me feel like shit. Tell me what you WANT. I thought I have done all that I could to tell you that I accept my part! Do you want blood? Should I slit my wrist and give you that? WHAT?!? What the FUCK do you WANT from me? You made this choice, yet you rub my nose in it constantly as if it's my mistake."

It was the closest I came to begging through all this. I wasn't begging for him to come back or to love me. I was begging him to RELEASE me from this shit. Get me out of this emotional quagmire that I did not make. At this point, we're living the life he asked for. We're living apart. Not just physically since he's so far away, but apart, spiritually, emotionally and not as man and wife. He wanted that, he got it. Why am I being punished?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

That title is the name of a Dixie Chicks song, the only country music I listen too just because the lead singers voice is like smokey butter. Funny, the first time I heard them was when my sister, Michelle came to visit us the first time we lived in Virginia and I was pregnant with Aislinn and didn't know it at the time. We were living in a ghetto ass apartment complex in Norfolk. She would play the fucking CD every time she showered and so she would get through the first five songs and I never heard the rest of the CD. Anyway, that's not the point of this here scratchins' (Country accent to match the music)

I chose it because it's an apt description of the situation I found myself in with Tony this week. We decided to be friends or "make nice". It started off ok, it ended horribly. Like crash and burn bad. Like back to square one bad. Like... just... ugh so fucking bad.

It started off friendly with pleasantries. Then jokes. Then the jokes turned sarcastic. Then pokes at one another. Then jabs. Then OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING SUCK, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Yeah it got ugly. It only took us a week to get back to there.

Not Ready To Make Nice
Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting