To My Limit

This morning I allowed myself a rare moment of despair.  I couldn't help it and it isn't something I do often, so on occasion, I like to indulge myself a few tears.  A few sniffles.  A few minutes of pure sadness.

I've had a lot of sadness lately.

Then, to my surprise, it hit me again in the waiting room at the Dr. office.  This time, it was brought on by a friend's kindness that came out of the blue. Although, I could not accept his offer of help, I appreciated that someone out there in that moment, was looking out for me.

I know that I'm an adult, and my life is my responsibility.  I'm doing the best I can, even though I don't think it's enough.  I've fallen into a black cloud of sad, and I don't know how to get out.  I'm not talking about depression or laying in bed all day, crying. Just sad.  Everything I do is colored blue.  I hate it.  Which makes me more blue.

I've tried to fake positivity in hopes of getting out of it.  I'm sure it's purely PMS related, but that doesn't negate the fact that it's been a rough couple of days.

When I first moved here, my thoughts were that I just needed to get through the first year here, and I'd be good.  I thought I'd be divorced already, I thought me and the kids would have settled into a good routine, I thought possibly, I could be in love by the end of the first year.  But, here it is, almost 2 months shy of the one year mark, and my life is slightly worse, I think.

I'm going to go for a walk, and I'm going to try and clear my head and I'm going to count my blessings while doing so.