Title courtesy of the song on the radio at this moment.
My whole life right now is based on when I don't have to go into work again. Is that normal? I don't know. I just get up thinking... "Ok, Roark (Because in my head, I'm already Roark) you have 3 more days until you're off. Get it together. Get out of this bed. Get in the shower and get a move on." This is after playing sleep math with my alarm clock. I always wake up about an hour or so before my alarm is supposed to go off. Then, I turn off the alarm and set the timer for an hour and whatever change is left until I ACTUALLY have to get up. Then I spend that hour and a half dozing off and on and waking every fifteen minutes hoping I have more time to sleep than I do. Then around 6:00 I berate myself because, even though I have 30 minutes until I need to get up, I could just go ahead and get up and why lay there wasting time for an extra few minutes of sleep that aren't going to do anything for me anyway.
This is EVERY FREAKING MORNING. On those rare mornings I actually sleep through until the alarm goes off, my whole day seems off. I need this crazy, fucked up ritual to set my tone I guess. I'm weird.
Today is my parent's 35 wedding anniversary and other than Christmas, this is the hardest day for me since my seperation. It's not like I'm curled up on the floor in the fetal positon, but it's just a reminder that I failed at something that I thought I was good at. They are like night and day and make it work. I couldn't. I suck. The end.
Yesterday, I had to do something pretty gross. I had to pull Jonny's loose tooth. Usually, I do not believe in forcing something like that, but there was something seriously wrong. The adult tooth was almost all the way out, the baby tooth was like on top of it. A weird smell was starting to develop. Now, normal parents would have taken the kid to the dentist. I'm kind of like my dad. If a home remedy will work, then I'm going to do it. Why pay someone money for something you can do yourself. I went back and forth about it. We tried wiggling it, but Jonathan is well...how do I say this without sounding like a terrible mom? Cautious? Yeah, he's cautious. And if there is a teeny bit of pain, he'd stop. So it just SAT there. Finally, I had to do it. I'm pretty squeamish by most things, so I wasn't even sure I COULD do it. So, I made him lay down on my bed, and wrapped some dental floss around it, and gave a quick yank, not even very hard, and it came flying out! Boy, did he bleed. It was so gross!! The tooth hit me in the face, and we had a hard time finding it. When we did, I expected long roots, but there weren't any roots at all. They had disingrated. I don't even know how it was staying in his mouth to be quite honest. He cried when he saw the blood, but he does that when the tooth falls out on it's own. He said it hurt for a second and then stopped. Today, no weird smell and he says there's no weird taste in his mouth either.
Things we have to do as parents huh?
I'm looking forward to Halloween. I love walking around with the kids. It's such a fun time. I know I'll miss Louie on this walk. Every year I dressed him up. I miss him more than I can ever express, but it was really the right decision. Life is much easier now and I feel a lot less stressed. But, that little warm body next to me in bed is sorely missed.