Signs of the end

Today, I was behind a car that had a "pedophile menu" on it. A pedophile menu is one of those stickers that have the whole family on it and usually the children are doing something they're really into.

I got this phrase from a web safety seminar I went to back in VA when I was the Ombudsman for Ex's crew. Even though it was about web safety, the speaker would go on tangents on other things that are unsafe, one being the pedophile menu. He said that you're basically telling every pedophile, everywhere you go how many children you have and what they like to do, so now the pedophile has something to discuss with your child.

Anyway, that's not the point of this story. The point I'm trying to make is this guy was very cute. He was exactly the kind of guy that I go for. Funny, cute in a nerdy kind of way, into computers and liked LOL cats.

I remember sitting there and laughing and falling in crush with this guy just from the speech he gave and wanting to get to know him more. I even went so far as to approach him after the seminar and tell him how much I enjoyed it and blah blah blah. This was totally out of character for me, but I didn't realize it then, I just realized it today.

Around this same time, I also teased Ex a lot about one of his crew members who was deliciously cute, but disgustingly young. He took it good naturedly. But, again. This was out of character for me.

I am not a man ogler. Men are barely a blip on my radar. Even now while I'm single. I don't really go for physical looks as much as I do for personality. I like the guy that gets cuter the more you get to know him. It has to be a fine hunk of man flesh to get me to say "Wow check HIM out!" and usually that's all I'll say and move on. If I see a guy with rippling abs and lickable arms running down the street, the only thing I can think is "Damn, put on a shirt!" (Men sans shirt is a pet peeve of mine. Doesn't matter how gorgeous. Put on a fucking shirt.)

When I love you, I am love YOU. When I am yours, I am yours 100%.

Yet, here I was hoping this speaker would notice me, want me, ask me out or something. I wouldn't have said yes or anything. I see now, even without knowing it, I was throwing in my own towel on the marriage. Where Ex was always enough, I guess he wasn't anymore. I guess I needed something from him I wasn't getting. Who knows.. maybe if time had gone on, and continued the way they were, maybe my life would have been different as far as me falling for someone and leaving him.

Sometimes the end is inevitable. It's kind of like an ingrown toenail. It's annoying, and you let it go because it's tolerable. As the nail grows in deeper, the pain worsens, but you can still limp around ok and wear regular shoes and ignore the obvious. Then suddenly you wake up one day, putting a sock on hurts, and you've got green pus and blood everywhere and you know you have to do something about it and there's no more getting around the fact that you have to cut in deep and get rid of what is hurting you.