Thursday, April 7, 2011

Behind Enemy Lines

I'm going to let you in on a secret. Ready? Lean in close.

Being a single mom is fucking hard. There. I said it. Maybe I should really say.. being a single WORKING mom is hard. Actually, let me pc it up more, since all moms work. Being a single, work out of the home mom is hard.

There. Now that THAT is out in the open.

I guess that comes as no big shocker. I'm not playing martyr or boohooing about it. I am kind of digging it actually, so the newness hasn't worn off. I know I am lucky in the fact that being a military wife kind of helped me get used to being alone all the time. I've always been a bit of a loner, homebody anyway, so for the most part it all suits me.

Things are so different now and none showed me how much than this. I made a comment the other day on Facebook about being childless and bored and lonely. Someone said "That sounds wonderful actually." At first, I was all offended because I was like "Well, she doesn't get it." After a few minutes of thinking about it, I thought about how many times while married and being a stay at home mom I wished my husband would take the kids out for a few hours just so I could get some peace?

I don't know why it's different, it just is. I don't like it. Maybe, because now I feel I have to share my kids with someone I just don't like. Think about it. In what other instance would you say to your kids "Ok this person caused me a great amount of pain and turmoil and is someone I really don't care to ever see or speak to again. You're going to spend the WHOLE WEEKEND with this person and have fun!" Never right? That's kind of how it feels. Like I'm giving my kids to the enemy. Ok yes, I know the enemy is their FATHER. That's why I let them go with a smile on my face and a sadness in my heart. No matter how much I disdain I feel for him, as long as he wants to be in their lives, I will allow it.

It doesn't stop it though. Their father gets them every other weekend, with no time during the week as of yet. They are my life and joy for 10 days. I am their sole parent for those days. Daddy isn't coming home to help out after work to give mommy a break. Daddy isn't helping me cook dinner or folding a load of laundry. It's me. Then after 10 days of ass busting, I have to then give them to the dickhead who cheated on me throughout our marriage, who won't even help me out with drop off or pick ups for school, he relies on me to the care and well-being of our children OUR CHILDREN for 26 days out of the month. He gets them for a few days, has a little fun with them, hangs out with them and then sends them home to tell me about all the fun they had that I can't have with them because of time/money/exhaustion.

So yeah, after being their sole parent for ten days, and then having them completely torn from my life for two, it's lonely without them around. There is something about getting divorced that makes you love your kids even more. I don't know why, but I think my divorced/seperated friends will agree. It's really an unfortunate instance where you see first hand how your bad choices can affect them, something I think I took for granted before.

I'm glad their dad is being there for him, and I know that a lot of people don't have that. Eventually, I'm sure the free time will be welcomed. I just need to learn to be my own person agian.


  1. I agree with you. I should be happy that I get a break one weekend a month from the kids. Instead, I am angry, lonely and pissed off at the world for having to share them. I don't want to share them, I raise them and take care of them everyday. I love having them there at all times even when they drive me crazy. You are right on with your blog.

  2. I'm glad I don't have to share, and your post reminds me to be thankful for it. Call me selfish, but it's the only reason why I'm glad their dad isn't at all involved. I get to be there with them all the time, I get to share everything with them and I get all the snuggles. So I totally hear you. I've never had to share and I thank the gods that shine on me every day that I don't have to. Which makes me feel like a total bitch because my kids don't have a dad. Or rather, the one they have sucks donkey balls. I don't think I'd ever want that break. I was depressed all weekend because one of my kids was at a girl guide trip!

    I would totally fail kindergarten. I hate sharing.