Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Down, But Not Out

The holidays were a lot harder for me than I expected them to be. It was quite shocking to me that they were. I guess when the holidays are so focused on family, and your family is no longer together, it's bound to hurt.

It doesn't help that I moved back home two weeks before Christmas. Looking back, that was probably a mistake as I couldn't even put a Christmas tree anywhere. Couldn't put one up back in VA because we were leaving, and could bring ours with us here, so no tree to put up. You'd be suprised how much a tree makes a difference. I was working against time though, and wanted to see my youngest sister before she moved to Colorado. We made it just in time and got a day and a half with her before she left. Christmas was sad without her, but she's off living life like every 22 year old should and I'm proud of her for it.

The hardest moment was when I got the box of gifts for the kids from X. Seeing the gifts, wrapped by his hand, knowing that THIS is what we've been reduced to, well it made me cry. The image of the gifts stuck with me most of the holiday and would bring a lump to my throat. No matter how much a divorce is for the best, there is always going to be instances of pain I guess.

Once I got past Christmas, I thought I would be in the clear. No, I think ringing in the New Year was harder. I woke up on the 31st thinking about how my X cheated on me. Not so much on the situation NOW, but how could he do that to me four months after we married? All day I couldn't stop thinking about it. I cried off and on all day. If there is one time your spouse shouldn't cheat is so soon after marriage right? Why didn't he just tell me? We could have ended it so much sooner. Look at my life now because of his selfishness. Just on and on. This is not a good mood to be in when you're going to a party. You will end up drinking way too much and pretty much holding everyone hostage while you drunkenly bawl over how he hurt you. It's never a pretty sight.

My sister and my brother in law moved out, and me and the kids have kind of moved in. The dogs love having a WINDOW to look out of, although that means the barking has gone up tenfold. Louie actually barked at boxes across the street the other day. Awesome.

I know as the days and weeks and months pass, and my life comes together more, I'll feel better. I'm not too upset about my h0liday blues because I've been pretty lucky with how I've handled all this. I can't beat myself up over feeling sad occasionally.

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