Monday, January 10, 2011

The One Where I Drop the F Bomb A LOT

One thing people may not know about me is that I am super sensitive to noise, except for loud music. I can listen to music very loud and not have it affect me. Noise in general though, really bothers me. The only time I have ever been close to having a panic attack was when I was stuck in an auditorium filled with very noisy Girl Scouts. I felt physically assaulted by their noise. Music saved me at that moment. I put my headphones in (thank God I had them) and closed my eyes and willed myself to calm down.

Of course, I have two very noisy kids, one who has Tourette's and she's constantly making noise. If it isn't a tic, her ADD is kicking in, and she's tap, tap, tapping on the wall, or click, click, clicking her teeth, or stomp, stomp, stomping her feet, or clap, clap, clapping her hands. Constantly. She's mastered that loud clap that makes my ears ring and set my teeth on age. Jonny listens to everything at TOP VOLUME. He loves to play with my phone, so Angry Birds is ANGRY BIRDS and he loves the Fred Figglehorn videos and Christ on a cracker that kid is obnoxious. His screeching voice, played at top volume makes me want to crawl out of my skin. It's the main reason why I don't like guns. The fucking NOISE. I can't deal with it.

I don't know why I feel this way. My mom is kind of the same way. I find that a lot of times, she and I will react almost identically to a noise. We'll shush almost at the same time. We have the same breaking point I think, when it just gets to be TOO much and we have to say something. I realize now that growing up I was kind of lucky my dad worked nights. We HAD to be quiet and I honestly never remember it being THAT hard. It was natural for me, my mom and two sisters to be quiet. I mean, he slept in the bedroom next to the living room, we lived in a tiny house, and on one hand I can count how many times he got pissed at us being too loud.

Don't get me wrong. I let my kids be kids as much as possible. I AM an adult, therefore I can control myself. The problem is when the kids are home for an extended period of time. Right now, I am having trouble registering them in school because the district needs like the heart of a homonculus and a hair from Justin Bieber's head. Homonculi don't usually have hearts I don't think.. so therein lies my problem. (I love the word homonculi BTW) So, basically I have been on FREAKING EDGE the last few days. I've cried more in the last few days than I care to admit. Never like boohoo bawling, just the tears in my eyes kind of thing. They're bored, it's cold, money is tight, and I can't find where I put the damn charger for the Wiimotes which are now dead. So they fight, antagonize the dogs, fight some more, whine, cry, fight again, piss off the dogs some more, who then bark, bark, bark, bark and growl, growl, growl and I feel like I'm drowing in the noise of it all.

That's when the headphones come out again. Kids know that if mommy has the headphones on, she's desperate. I try really hard not to put them on too much. There were times right after the seperation that I literally had them on all day. It was the only way I could cope. The sad thing is, the noise drives me crazy but so does the silence. It's refreshing to have the quiet, but then, oh fuck but THEN. That's when the noise in my head drives me crazy. Not in that "Hey go kill kittens and BBQ your neighbors goldfish all while wearing a Bill Clinton mask." kind of a way. That's just when all my doubts and fears invade my head. Jesus, Sandi why the fuck didn't you go to school? Why did you put all your eggs in HIS basket? You should have worked the whole time. Now, you have huge gap in employment history. It's not fair. I followed through with my promise of being a good Navy wife and all I asked for in turn was to stay home with my kids. Now, look where I am. What am I going to do when my sister gets back? Will I find a job? Will I have to work at fucking Jack in the Box? Ok, ok school... FUCK! I don't know what I am interested in, I don't know what I want to go to school for, I don't even fucking LIKE school.


So, that's when the headphones come out the most. To drown the "fucks" running through my head. There was this cartoon when I was kid that was about this little scottie dog, and he had this dream where all around him the words #1 Dog were repeated in print and in sound. "Number one dog! Number one dog!" over and over while he tried to escape the words and the sound. That's how I feel when it's quiet, except its the word FUCK over and over.

But, I'm not crazy I swear, the voices in my head said so.

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