Friday, January 7, 2011

Get Out Of My Head

I go through great lengths to avoid Tony at all cost, but yet at least twice a week I have the same dream. The setting is always different, the circumstances always change, but we agree to get back together, and it's not the happy occasion you'd think it would be. The indifference we have toward each other is suffocating even in the dreams. We usually talk on the phone and agree we should reconcile and then we meet at some neutral location (Last night it was a gay wedding for two navy guys.. yeah) and we kind of avoid each other, then we finally meet and say "Hey" and there, we're together. Then we go seperate ways. We don't speak, we don't hug, or kiss or hold hands. We say "Hey" and then bam, we're a couple. Every single dream.

What surprises me is how SAD I am after I wake up from these dreams and THAT'S the part I have yet to figure out. I don't know if I'm sad because I want him back, but that I seriously doubt. I don't know if I'm sad because a part of me at least wants him to come crawling back? The only thing that makes sense is that it's really a representation of our marriage near the end and it's sad that I couldn't see the indifference then, and the other theory is that there really aren't feelings on either side and our marriage is officially over. Like I've said in the past, you have to have a fucking heart of STONE to not mourn the death of your marriage, even if it was terrible.

Mine wasn't terrible. He never beat me, he never said horrible things to me, he never called me names or anything of the sort. If anything, that was me. I was listening to P!nk today and I watched the video for Please Don't Leave Me and it's just so ME and how I was such a BITCH in our marriage. My favorite line is "You're my perfect little punching bag." I did. I treated him poorly. Hey, I'm not accepting all the blame and saying I DROVE him away or anything. He wasn't pleasant to live with either. He was passive agressive and lazy. I don't mean he was lazy like he wouldn't do chores, I mean he was just content to let me take care of most of everything in life, to bills to the kids etc. I worked my ass off during deployments and all of a sudden all that hard work was me being "controlling"

Ahh. Anyway. It doesn't matter now. I'm pretty sure I know what I need as far as a man goes, and looking back at it, Tony SO isn't it. Our marriage was a product of circumstance. Did we love each other? Oh God, yes we did. Very much for a long time. But when it went bad, it went bad FAST. Like how an asian woman ages. For a long time you can't tell if she's 45 or 65 but she wakes up one morning and BLAM she looks 75.

I am going to need a man with a sense of humor, who isn't afraid to tell me what he thinks.. ever. Even if he knows it's going to send me straight into a fit of rage. Because I had enough of pussy footing around. Tony would get mad, and he'd never say anything. I want a man who wants to do things for me not because he has to but because he wants to. By things, I don't mean buy me things, because that was never the way to my heart. I mean, I don't know, put the laundry away because he knows I hate that part the most. I also want a man who will make me want to do things for him. I know that sounds... all June Cleaver-ish but think about it. I don't mean I want the man to EXPECT me to like wash his car, or get up early to make him breakfast, I mean I do it on my own because I WANT to make that person happy.

I hate talking about that kind of stuff because it always makes me seem like I'm desperate for a boyfriend or something. I'm not. Hello? Most girls would be with someone already and ready to walk down the aisle with that person. I'm good right now, but you know, the thoughts creep in here and there. Let's face it, everyone wants someone eventually.

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