I have been seperated for 8 months. I guess, technically it could be counted as 10, and I think if X had his way, it would be considered that so that we could be officially divorced in 2. Of course we live in one of 13 or so states that makes you wait a year to get divorced if you have children. On one hand I get it. I think often times, people get divorced too soon. Maybe, they've met someone and have fallen in lust, or maybe they just weren't thinking clearly. I know of a few people who benefitted from the 12 month waiting period. Before the time was up, they got back together and lived happily ever after.
That's not the case for me and X. If I wasn't worried about health insurance, I'd probably change the date to January too. He and I have such a tainted, horrible relationship. We bring out the worst in each other, there is no denying that. I don't even recognize myself when I'm around him. I feel instantly angry. I belittle and insult him every chance I get. I dig in my claws and kick him when he's down. The sight of him makes me feel disgust, and the smell of his smoke infused clothes makes me feel nauseous. Unfortunately, this is not something new that has developed since the seperation. The insulting and belittling, I am ashamed to admit, existed through most our relationship. The disgust and nausea, probably the last year or two of our marriage.
Sometimes, it's just best all round to call it quits. I read an interesting quote that by Joyce Brothers: "For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life."
It's true and that's how I feel now. That's not exactly how I've always felt. A few months ago, even though I knew it was for the best, I still kind of held out hope that we could work it out. It was my stubborness shining through. X though, had the foresight to see what I couldn't. Nothing was going to make it work, nothing was going to change and if I may offer another quote from Motley Crue "Nothin' left to do. Too many things were said, to ever make it feel like yesterday did."
So, I move forward and move on and enjoy the stress free life that I am living quite happily. Right now I have the luxury of living in an in-between bubble. Once I move, all that will change. I'll have to actually start living a different life. Sometimes here in the house X and I decided to make our home, I feel like I'm playing a "single mommy" simulation game. Yeah it's kind of hard, sometimes sucky, but it isn't going to be anything like how it's going to be once I leave my cozy bubble. You know what? That's ok. I'm looking forward to it.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Dad
I was born the day before my dad's birthday. The story goes that he wanted me to be born on HIS birthday (Planned c-section) but my mom said that I needed my own birthday. So, she chose the 16th of November as my birthday. Then, my dad had the nerve to name my Roberta. Yes, I actually at one time had a birth cert. paperwork filled out with Roberta Roark. My father's name is Burton. He claims that he named me that because he wanted to name me Bobbi. Bobby is short for Robert, therefore, Roberta was perfect. I asked him why not just name me Bobbi then? He said because Bobbi is short for Roberta! I then usually point out that Sandi is short for Sandra, yet he chose to name me Sandi. Let's face it Pop, you wanted to name me Roberta because it had Bert in it, and to torture your poor korean wife who could not (and some argue still can't) pronounce the "R" sound. We know what's up.
Today, I went out and got him a card. I always go with something funny. I don't do well with mush. That's Michelle's job. Call me insensitive but there is something about my father crying that unnerves me. I get all hot and squeamish. It's just not.. right. So, I go with funny but as I won't be there to see him open it, I put a wee bit of mush in there from me.
Me and my sisters are going through a lot right now. I'm getting divorced, Michelle lives in California and soon Bo will be moving to Colorado, and me and the kids are coming back to St. Louis. I feel bad for my parents. They're losing the two good girls and getting, well me. The hard headed surly bird. The one that was more than content to live 900 miles away, and you know what? The rest of the family was ok with that, too. We all got along better that way. I've always been a little different, a little difficult, a little pissy, a little impatient, and little quick to roll my eyes and huff off in pissiness. It's not that I try to be that way, I just am. They didn't get it but over time, they've accepted it. I've also learned through the years and because of my wonderful drugs that life doesn't have to be so damned hard and I don't have to be so hard either.
My dad and I always butted heads, we have never gotten along. We've exchanged harsh words and the more he tried to control, the more I rebelled. What do you expect from two hot-headed Scorpios? Over the years we learned how to manage each other. A lot of kid gloves, bitten tongues, egg shell walking and avoidance on both parts. It's not that we don't love each other, we do, it's just more pleasant this way.
Even though it was rough growing up this way, and despite the fact that all three of us are now adults and yet we're still subjected to his random rants on how're we're "ruining his life" it has made my sisters and I strong and independent women. After you have lived with the "ultimate man" all mortal men seem easy in comparison.
So the mush in my card told him that. That even all three girls are going through some pretty life changing events, because we're HIS daughters, we'll take it all in stride. That thanks to him, we were equipped with the life lessons so we aren't weak, clingy, weak willed individuals. We learned to listen to our hearts mostly, but never to discount our head's opinion, that you don't always get what you want and that's ok, that you know what? Life ISN'T fair and that's how it goes, and worrying gets you nowhere, being proactive garners results.
I didn't really come to this realization until Tony left. When Tony and I would fight, he would accuse me of being like my dad. This used to hurt me. He's said it once since we've been seperated and I paused and then said "You know what? Yes, I am and just now I've realized that that isn't such a bad thing. So, say it all you want, it doesn't matter anymore. There are worse things to be in life."
And that's the truth.. because my dad hates liars.
Today, I went out and got him a card. I always go with something funny. I don't do well with mush. That's Michelle's job. Call me insensitive but there is something about my father crying that unnerves me. I get all hot and squeamish. It's just not.. right. So, I go with funny but as I won't be there to see him open it, I put a wee bit of mush in there from me.
Me and my sisters are going through a lot right now. I'm getting divorced, Michelle lives in California and soon Bo will be moving to Colorado, and me and the kids are coming back to St. Louis. I feel bad for my parents. They're losing the two good girls and getting, well me. The hard headed surly bird. The one that was more than content to live 900 miles away, and you know what? The rest of the family was ok with that, too. We all got along better that way. I've always been a little different, a little difficult, a little pissy, a little impatient, and little quick to roll my eyes and huff off in pissiness. It's not that I try to be that way, I just am. They didn't get it but over time, they've accepted it. I've also learned through the years and because of my wonderful drugs that life doesn't have to be so damned hard and I don't have to be so hard either.
My dad and I always butted heads, we have never gotten along. We've exchanged harsh words and the more he tried to control, the more I rebelled. What do you expect from two hot-headed Scorpios? Over the years we learned how to manage each other. A lot of kid gloves, bitten tongues, egg shell walking and avoidance on both parts. It's not that we don't love each other, we do, it's just more pleasant this way.
Even though it was rough growing up this way, and despite the fact that all three of us are now adults and yet we're still subjected to his random rants on how're we're "ruining his life" it has made my sisters and I strong and independent women. After you have lived with the "ultimate man" all mortal men seem easy in comparison.
So the mush in my card told him that. That even all three girls are going through some pretty life changing events, because we're HIS daughters, we'll take it all in stride. That thanks to him, we were equipped with the life lessons so we aren't weak, clingy, weak willed individuals. We learned to listen to our hearts mostly, but never to discount our head's opinion, that you don't always get what you want and that's ok, that you know what? Life ISN'T fair and that's how it goes, and worrying gets you nowhere, being proactive garners results.
I didn't really come to this realization until Tony left. When Tony and I would fight, he would accuse me of being like my dad. This used to hurt me. He's said it once since we've been seperated and I paused and then said "You know what? Yes, I am and just now I've realized that that isn't such a bad thing. So, say it all you want, it doesn't matter anymore. There are worse things to be in life."
And that's the truth.. because my dad hates liars.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I'm SO Money
I got my first allotment on the first of the month. I will only get "paid" once a month. There are pros and cons to that situation. The main good point is that I get all my bills paid at once, and out of my way, and I get to see where I stand for the rest of the month. Actually, there isn't any cons... yet. I should say there are potential cons. Like... not realizing how much money I spend on stupid shit, or not realizing a month is a long ass time and me and the kids are eating cereal by the 25th of the month or something. I'll let you know if that happens.
For once, I feel financially secure. I know that sounds odd since most women in a divorce situation usually feels the opposite. That's what happens when you live with someone who isn't that great with money. Who wields his debit card like it's a plastic magic wand, there to grant his every wish and every wish is for cigarettes, bottles of soda, coffee from 7-11 and fast food. Who can make a 20 dollar bill disappear right before your very eyes, and have nothing to show for it. I don't know how he did it, but he always did. Once he put us a few hundred dollars overdrawn over pizza. I'd go to work, he'd write a check for a pizza. Every night for almost two weeks. That... whoa.. that was ugly.
It's just so much easier to track when I'm the only person in that account. I have my little checkbook app on my phone, and as soon as I make a transaction, I log it. I tried that before, but it was impossible because he'd make so many transactions and we'd fight over money so much, I would just wouldn't bother.
So, now I feel ok. I don't have THAT stress either, that financial stress that I dealt with all the time when we were married. I have MY money, and it pays MY bills. I even gave him half the mortgage and you know he didn't even say thank you? He kind of rolled his eyes. I think he was convinced I wouldn't give it to him, and so when I did, I disappointed him a little. Oh, but he cashed the check first thing Monday morning.
For once, I feel financially secure. I know that sounds odd since most women in a divorce situation usually feels the opposite. That's what happens when you live with someone who isn't that great with money. Who wields his debit card like it's a plastic magic wand, there to grant his every wish and every wish is for cigarettes, bottles of soda, coffee from 7-11 and fast food. Who can make a 20 dollar bill disappear right before your very eyes, and have nothing to show for it. I don't know how he did it, but he always did. Once he put us a few hundred dollars overdrawn over pizza. I'd go to work, he'd write a check for a pizza. Every night for almost two weeks. That... whoa.. that was ugly.
It's just so much easier to track when I'm the only person in that account. I have my little checkbook app on my phone, and as soon as I make a transaction, I log it. I tried that before, but it was impossible because he'd make so many transactions and we'd fight over money so much, I would just wouldn't bother.
So, now I feel ok. I don't have THAT stress either, that financial stress that I dealt with all the time when we were married. I have MY money, and it pays MY bills. I even gave him half the mortgage and you know he didn't even say thank you? He kind of rolled his eyes. I think he was convinced I wouldn't give it to him, and so when I did, I disappointed him a little. Oh, but he cashed the check first thing Monday morning.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Seasoning With Reason
Three weeks ago, I attended my weekly talk therapy session. I've been doing weekly sessions for about 2 years now, and honestly I don't know why it took me so long. Even though I think my family's motto of "Just Get Over It Already!" is stupid, I guess a part of me felt the same and the thought of sharing my thoughts and secrets and feelings with a stranger was a little too much and would be something I could handle on my own. I am so glad I took the step, it's been a big help to me. Telling someone objective, out loud your thoughts, where you don't have to worry about how what you say will affect that person, or if it will get back to another person, and not being judged in general does wonders for your psyche.
Anyway, I was telling my therapist about the guy who followed me into a parking lot to berate me for a bad traffic mistake on my part, and after I finished he asked me why I felt the need to engage with this person in this way. That I should have just called 9-1-1 instead of arguing with him for twenty minutes. He said it was obvious the man was irrational and no matter how much I tried to convince him, he wasn't going to suddenly become rational. He then pointed out that this is how I interact with Ex as well.
The only answer I could offer him was that I just feel the need to get the other person to see REASON, because it's so obvious to me that what I'm saying should almost go without saying. In the instance of the crazy guy, I said I was sorry, we were both safe, what more do you want? With Ex, spending every night with your new girlfriend in St. Louis, leaving the children behind that you haven't seen in six months is just wrong. Anyone with any kind of common sense can SEE that, and I guess I engage because if they just THOUGHT about it, they'd get it.
So, I've tried hard since this session to not engage Ex in these kinds of "reasoning sessions" as I've dubbed them. What I see as reasoning, he sees as bitching especially if I'm reasoning loudly. No matter how rational I'm being, if the other person is irrational then I'm just talking myself blue in the face. To stop this cycle, I've just stopped talking to him when he's around because that's the only way I can assure that I don't "reason".
Today, I got a text saying he needed me to call. It was so that he could bitch at me about something really asinine in light of how he's been treating the particular situation. Pretty much, he was just waiting for me to make a mistake to point fingers at me, even though his behavior in this situation has been WAY WAY worse. I was proud of myself. I didn't try to reason. I just stated my issues in a calm way. He seemed flustered by it which was kind of funny.
The last three weeks though have brought me a new found peace. Even though I knew I can't change the way he thinks, or change the way he does things, actually practicing that in actuality has set me free. I no longer obsess why he does what he does, treats us the way he does. I have finally taken the stance of its not my problem to heart. I thought it would be tough, but it hasn't been. I worry about me and my two babies and pups and it makes my life so much... simpler.
Anyway, I was telling my therapist about the guy who followed me into a parking lot to berate me for a bad traffic mistake on my part, and after I finished he asked me why I felt the need to engage with this person in this way. That I should have just called 9-1-1 instead of arguing with him for twenty minutes. He said it was obvious the man was irrational and no matter how much I tried to convince him, he wasn't going to suddenly become rational. He then pointed out that this is how I interact with Ex as well.
The only answer I could offer him was that I just feel the need to get the other person to see REASON, because it's so obvious to me that what I'm saying should almost go without saying. In the instance of the crazy guy, I said I was sorry, we were both safe, what more do you want? With Ex, spending every night with your new girlfriend in St. Louis, leaving the children behind that you haven't seen in six months is just wrong. Anyone with any kind of common sense can SEE that, and I guess I engage because if they just THOUGHT about it, they'd get it.
So, I've tried hard since this session to not engage Ex in these kinds of "reasoning sessions" as I've dubbed them. What I see as reasoning, he sees as bitching especially if I'm reasoning loudly. No matter how rational I'm being, if the other person is irrational then I'm just talking myself blue in the face. To stop this cycle, I've just stopped talking to him when he's around because that's the only way I can assure that I don't "reason".
Today, I got a text saying he needed me to call. It was so that he could bitch at me about something really asinine in light of how he's been treating the particular situation. Pretty much, he was just waiting for me to make a mistake to point fingers at me, even though his behavior in this situation has been WAY WAY worse. I was proud of myself. I didn't try to reason. I just stated my issues in a calm way. He seemed flustered by it which was kind of funny.
The last three weeks though have brought me a new found peace. Even though I knew I can't change the way he thinks, or change the way he does things, actually practicing that in actuality has set me free. I no longer obsess why he does what he does, treats us the way he does. I have finally taken the stance of its not my problem to heart. I thought it would be tough, but it hasn't been. I worry about me and my two babies and pups and it makes my life so much... simpler.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
No Big Changes
There haven't been any big changes or incidents lately. I think I'm starting to settle into the whole thing. Having zero communication with him does seem to help the situation out immensely.
Although, I did get an email from him the other day informing me that the allottment had gone through on his end, and that my share for the paycheck had been witheld from his deposit. He wasn't sure I was going to get it yet though, so and I quote "Be careful with money." I literally laughed at loud at that statement. Him telling ME to be careful with money. I started getting the kids into miser mode when this all started back in March knowing that it was going to be a little different. It's not too bad at this point and it will get much better once I get a job, but I figure it's better to be safe than sorry. Having the man who can leave the house with twenty bucks and have it spent by the end of the day with nothing but a pack of smokes to show for it tell me to be careful with money, well that's almost as bad as that asian man telling me I was a bad driver.
I didn't get my share, and that SUUUUCCCKKKSSS. The way the military allotments work is that they withold the money from each of his checks, but only pay once a month. So, I'm hoping and praying I get it on the 1st but, shit I worry it may not be until the 15th. Yet, I can't complain because this is how I wanted it. I didn't want to have to depend on him to transfer the money, never mind the bank charges me for every wire transfer. So, it may be a rough 2-4 weeks, but I'll get by. The funny thing is he asked me if I would be able to pay half the mortgage. I told him straight out no because when I thought I was moving, he was supposed to pay the utilities last month. He got all the info from me and everything. When I went to check them he hadn't paid shit. Nothing. So, I had to pay them, and they are all behind. They were never behind when I paid them. I had to pay whatever I could on each of them, so they're still behind. It pisses me off. Then he had the nerve to ask me for more money? Screw you!
Although, I did get an email from him the other day informing me that the allottment had gone through on his end, and that my share for the paycheck had been witheld from his deposit. He wasn't sure I was going to get it yet though, so and I quote "Be careful with money." I literally laughed at loud at that statement. Him telling ME to be careful with money. I started getting the kids into miser mode when this all started back in March knowing that it was going to be a little different. It's not too bad at this point and it will get much better once I get a job, but I figure it's better to be safe than sorry. Having the man who can leave the house with twenty bucks and have it spent by the end of the day with nothing but a pack of smokes to show for it tell me to be careful with money, well that's almost as bad as that asian man telling me I was a bad driver.
I didn't get my share, and that SUUUUCCCKKKSSS. The way the military allotments work is that they withold the money from each of his checks, but only pay once a month. So, I'm hoping and praying I get it on the 1st but, shit I worry it may not be until the 15th. Yet, I can't complain because this is how I wanted it. I didn't want to have to depend on him to transfer the money, never mind the bank charges me for every wire transfer. So, it may be a rough 2-4 weeks, but I'll get by. The funny thing is he asked me if I would be able to pay half the mortgage. I told him straight out no because when I thought I was moving, he was supposed to pay the utilities last month. He got all the info from me and everything. When I went to check them he hadn't paid shit. Nothing. So, I had to pay them, and they are all behind. They were never behind when I paid them. I had to pay whatever I could on each of them, so they're still behind. It pisses me off. Then he had the nerve to ask me for more money? Screw you!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Possibilites
In the quiet I find my mind wandering to the future. It's so open ended right now, anything can happen and it's all kinds of awesome to think about. Before it seemed my life was pretty much set. Married, two kids, two dogs, a loving husband (so I thought) a new home and all that was left was to live out my life in familial bliss, surrounded by the ones that I loved the most.
Now, I don't know where life is going to lead me, and I kind of can't wait, which is amazing coming from a person who hates change as much as she hates getting up early and almost as much as she hates cleaning house. Sometimes, I wish I had the script of my life, just so I could take a quick peek to see what's coming up for me and the children. I know it will be hard, and I know at times I'll be frustrated, but above all else I know it will be GOOD. How do I know that? Because it's good now.
I'll never deny my devastation when this all first came about. I'll never forget how awful I felt, how I felt utterly alone, and how I was so upset I gave myself dry heaves on more than one occcasion. How I was sure that after a week he'd call and say he was sorry, ok after two week, after three weeks. At the three week mark is when I kind of started to move forward. Looking back, three weeks isn't very long, and that in itself is a good indication on how much I was fooling myself into thinking that my marriage was ok.
Now there are so many paths open to me, even if I'm not at a place where I can choose one. Sometimes, a random thought will pop into my head like... "I could have a real honeymoon if I get married again." or " What if I have another baby?" Then, sometimes it's "I never have to be tied to a man again if I don't want to." or "There's nothing wrong with a string of lovers right?" or "Maybe in two years I can buy my OWN house!." or "I GUESS I could go to school at some point." (Obviously, not high on my list. God I hate school. )
Most of the things I think about are positive in their way because no matter what life brings me at this point is going to be positive, even if I can't see it in the moment. Just like this divorce. When it happened, it was pain 24/7 for awhile, but the pain brought positivity and happiness in a way I never though I'd experience. I look forward to more of that in my future. Ok, maybe not so much the PAIN part, I don't look forward to THAT, I'm not that sick, but you know what I mean.
Now, I don't know where life is going to lead me, and I kind of can't wait, which is amazing coming from a person who hates change as much as she hates getting up early and almost as much as she hates cleaning house. Sometimes, I wish I had the script of my life, just so I could take a quick peek to see what's coming up for me and the children. I know it will be hard, and I know at times I'll be frustrated, but above all else I know it will be GOOD. How do I know that? Because it's good now.
I'll never deny my devastation when this all first came about. I'll never forget how awful I felt, how I felt utterly alone, and how I was so upset I gave myself dry heaves on more than one occcasion. How I was sure that after a week he'd call and say he was sorry, ok after two week, after three weeks. At the three week mark is when I kind of started to move forward. Looking back, three weeks isn't very long, and that in itself is a good indication on how much I was fooling myself into thinking that my marriage was ok.
Now there are so many paths open to me, even if I'm not at a place where I can choose one. Sometimes, a random thought will pop into my head like... "I could have a real honeymoon if I get married again." or " What if I have another baby?" Then, sometimes it's "I never have to be tied to a man again if I don't want to." or "There's nothing wrong with a string of lovers right?" or "Maybe in two years I can buy my OWN house!." or "I GUESS I could go to school at some point." (Obviously, not high on my list. God I hate school. )
Most of the things I think about are positive in their way because no matter what life brings me at this point is going to be positive, even if I can't see it in the moment. Just like this divorce. When it happened, it was pain 24/7 for awhile, but the pain brought positivity and happiness in a way I never though I'd experience. I look forward to more of that in my future. Ok, maybe not so much the PAIN part, I don't look forward to THAT, I'm not that sick, but you know what I mean.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Peace
It has been peaceful in our house the last few days. I find myself smiling a lot, and happy to be around the kids. I'm sure school has a lot to do with it, but I think it's more than that, I think it's the calm of it just being us three and the dogs. When Ex was living with us, there was always a bit of chaos because of his work schedule and we argued quite a bit. He was often unhappy and diconnected and that caused a lot of problems for the rest of us.
Life is simpler. I don't know why, but it is. You'd think that if I had another adult to help around here, it would be easier that way. Really, it's not. I don't know if it had been a good marriage if it would have been easier with two instead of one. With just me here there are no more expectations for help. If things need to get done, I have only me to do them. No more pissiness walking around getting mad that I'm the only one doing dishes, doing laundry, doing this and that. Maybe those were unrealistic expectations to have of him since I am a stay at home mom. Who knows? All I know is that I never really felt like I had a partner, just one other person to clean up after. He came home from work, and he was done for the evening. All I asked from him was to take out the trash, give the kids a bath and then put them to bed. Those were things we discussed he would do at night. Every night this was an issue. We argued about them every night. He'd put them to bed an hour late, even with constant reminders. He'd sigh when I said it was bathtime. It was obvious he wasn't into being a member of this family. It weighed on all of us. That weight is now gone.
School seems to be going well for the kids, even though it's only been day two. Aislinn seems to have a very positive attitude about her teacher which is a blessing. Jonny seems to think the first grade is going to be more fun than kindgergarten.
Life is simpler. I don't know why, but it is. You'd think that if I had another adult to help around here, it would be easier that way. Really, it's not. I don't know if it had been a good marriage if it would have been easier with two instead of one. With just me here there are no more expectations for help. If things need to get done, I have only me to do them. No more pissiness walking around getting mad that I'm the only one doing dishes, doing laundry, doing this and that. Maybe those were unrealistic expectations to have of him since I am a stay at home mom. Who knows? All I know is that I never really felt like I had a partner, just one other person to clean up after. He came home from work, and he was done for the evening. All I asked from him was to take out the trash, give the kids a bath and then put them to bed. Those were things we discussed he would do at night. Every night this was an issue. We argued about them every night. He'd put them to bed an hour late, even with constant reminders. He'd sigh when I said it was bathtime. It was obvious he wasn't into being a member of this family. It weighed on all of us. That weight is now gone.
School seems to be going well for the kids, even though it's only been day two. Aislinn seems to have a very positive attitude about her teacher which is a blessing. Jonny seems to think the first grade is going to be more fun than kindgergarten.
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