The self-imposed writing assigments have taken up a lot of my time and they're really rather lame. I haven't really had the time to write anything other than that.
First of all, I've stopped taking my anti-depressant. It's very unsafe to stop taking Cymbalta without the guidance of your Dr. but I did it quite by accident. I never decided that I was going to stop, because as you all know, I am very PRO anti-depressants if one needs them. Basically, it started because I was running low and I just couldn't make time to go to a Dr and get a new RX. Then I realized that I had one more refill. So, I refilled them, but at this point I was down to like every three days, I was only taking them to basically stop the brain jolts and my head swimming because overall I felt fine. As the times stretched I realized that my excessive sweating was from the Cymbalta (Always thought it was so, just wasn't sure if it wasn't just because I was fat). Over the course of a few weeks I was going like over a week without taking it. Then I would take it and physically feel like shit. Rapid heart rate, elevated blood pressure, excessive sweating and upset tummy.
I took it as a sign and I'm going to try it out without the Cymbalta for awhile. I'm super aware of my mood at all times. No excessive anger, a little bit more pissy in general, a few more negative than usual thoughts, but no anxiety or anything. Summer is coming, so I know this will be a trial. I think though that if I can get through the summer and not sweat so much or feel overheated, I may be ok. Today, I walked about four miles and I sweated of course as anyone would, but it wasn't a constant stream of sweat to the point where I was embarrassed. It truly was embarrassing. Strangers would come to me and ask me if I was alright. On a date once, the guy was like "Wow, you're really sweating, are you ok?" Which of course made me self concious and start to sweat even more!
I have been able to hand my Ex's douchbaggery just fine without the drugs, so I'm taking that too as a good sign. He's yet to actual have the kids for his full FOUR DAYS A MONTH since he's been back. No calls during the week to see how they are, even when it's my weekend (And if he starts now, I'll know it's because he read this) and all his big talk about how he was going to spend as much time as he could with them when he moves back, has been nothing more than what I assumed it was, him trying to convince himself that this would be true. I don't understand how he can't see his kids for FOUR DAYS A MONTH. I always capitalize that because I want to stress that amount.
FOUR DAYS A MONTH.
As in, there are 30 days in a month, and out of those THIRTY days, he gets the FOUR. And he's yet to have them a full four days a month.
I haven't keyed his car or punched him in the nose, or screamed bloody murder at him either. I've texted quite sternly and I peeled out of the driveway yesterday. That has been the extent of my anger toward him.
Everyone keeps asking me why I don't just FORCE him to take them. Why I pick them up early when he needs to get out of his obligation. I say simply this.. if he doesn't want them, he'll have to answer to them later. He'll have to answer their questions of why when they get older. He seems to think that by making me take them he is somehow punishing me, when in reality he's punishing himself. My children are not a punishment. I will gladly take them always and forever.