Sunday, May 22, 2011

I wonder if being off the meds is allowing me to feel more? I never felt like an emotionless zombie while on them, which I know some people have said happened to them. I never felt like I wasn't myself, just a kind of better version of myself. I felt better in general, happier, more positive and less anxious. I'll admit to having at least one near panic attack last week. People at work were kind of freaking out with with my pacing, flushed face, and pained expression. When I explained the situation to them, they understood and really helped me through it. It was very nice of them for sure to comfort the crazy new girl. I don't know why my body chose to wean off of it, but I have to say I think it was for the best, and that I think I really needed to feel my true emotions through this whole process. I have been crazy proud of myself for how I've handled these situations.

I have managed to remain even keeled, not too much woe is me, but I have noticed that I do have more of that than I did before. The whole.. why is the world out to get me attitude. "Why am I being punished" that kind of thing, but it's not an all consuming thought and I just remind myself that sometimes not so awesome things happen, and you just roll with the punches and move forward.

I have been sad. I've found myself a bit more weepy than usual, which is not good because I'm weepy in general. I cried at dinner last night because of an awful story my sister told me. So, it doesn't take much for me to cry. But, I take comfort in what I DON'T cry over. Like hearing the song me and Tony first danced to and never shed a tear. I waited for it. But, nothing. I was even able to sing along with it with bravado and arm motions in the car and nothing. But, I hear Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" and I cry. I guess mainly because that's about her being cheated on and how she's not going to take it anymore. That's kind of how I've been feeling too. Not the whole cheating thing, because I'm over that for the most part. I get upset mainly over the acts that occur now and not even toward me, but toward the kids. He can call me a crazy bitch all he wants, that's fine, but you better not fuck over the kids.

Like this weekend, there was an incident and I think he may have my keys in his car, yet he says he doesn't. Fine. My sister said.. you're going to be pissed if you find out he does. I told her you know what? No, I'm not. First, I put them in there on accident if they are in there, secondly, I was inconvienced and some plans were ruined, but, no big deal. Now, had I had the kids and I needed to take them somewhere and THEIR plans were ruined, that's when I would have gotten ugly.

Ex can't hurt me. It's like.. he's not visible on my radar unless it's in the capacity of father of my children. He calls me names? Ok then. He blames me for all his issues? Awesome, rock on wit you bad self. He tells me he's not going to be able to pick up the kids? WHOA what? And it's not WHOA what you better because I need a fucking break. It's WHOA what because now I have to see the looks of disappointment on their faces when I walk through that door. Which is exactly how that shit went down on Friday. "Where's dad? Why isn't dad here? When is dad coming? Awww man we're not going to see dad? Now we have spend ALL WEEKEND at Mimi's" (This was said because their aunt was in town and they knew I was planning on spending my weekend with them and they'd be bored.) I calmed them down, gave them kisses and said dad was on his way in a hurry, scurry and flurry, just running late.

Anyway, whatever will be will be I guess.

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