Bringing in the New

My last post got me thinking about what I can do to make something new happen.  I believe that you get what you give, and I know I'm stuck in my comfort zone.  I've been racking my brain and I can't think of anything.  What do I want to do?  I don't know.  I really, really don't know and this scares me, because it means I really am THAT boring.

I'm doing what I like to do.  I read.  I watch tv.  I play on Facebook. I read some more.  I play Words with Friends.  I read again.  I look forward to my trips to the library and I enjoy sitting on my couch, cup of coffee by my side and a good book in my hands or with my kids and mom doing whatever we found to do for fun that day.

I worry that I'm doing this because it's easy. Will I wake up five years from now, eyes blurry from five years of reading, wondering why the hell I wasted so much time?  I can't dispute that fact that I'm content. I'm HAPPY doing this. 

The first year after my seperation, I was on the go a LOT.  A friend of mine in Virginia was newly single, too.  We were both stay at home moms, and she lived on the beach.  Me and the kids spent most of our spare time there.  It was constant go, go, go and my phone was constantly "ding ding"ing from the various men I was talking with at the time.  I needed to be stay distracted so I didn't have to feel the pain that was bubbling just under the surface of my super happy fun time facade. 

I kind of did things backwards and right now I'm in my pensive, reflective mode.   I think I'll get back out there when I'm ready and I have no idea when that will be.  Right now is my time for finding out who I am and what I want to do.  I have to remember that nothing is set in stone and I don't need to make life determining decision right now.  I'm just going to BE.  I'm going to breathe and live and mother and work and love my family and laugh with my friends.  I'm going to read until my eyeballs fall out of my head.  I'm going to rewatch Battlestart Galactica and watch House from season one.  I'm going to be quiet and paint my nails and wonder at what life has in store for me.  I'm going to go to church and pray and learn and grow.  I'm going to request classics from the library I think I need to read and then return them when I can't get through them.  I'm going to follow Stephen King's career starting with "Carrie" and ending with "Wind through the Keyhole"  I'm going to cook and clean and fold the laundry, but not put it away.  I'm going to sit by the pool and watch my kids being kids.  I'm going to make a lot of trips to QT for Arnold Palmers.  I'm going to make iced coffee by the gallons and do the photo a day on Instagram and post a lot on Facebook, no matter how pathetic it makes me seem.  I'm going to make Aislinn draw me pictures and take away the Wiimote from Jonny so I can crash some cars on the game, too.

Now that I think about it.  I've got a lot going on after all.

Nuttin' Honey

Dad: " How's life?  Anything new?"
Me: "Nope"

And that pretty much sums it all up right there. 

I'm kind of ready for something new to happen.

The Kid Free Weekend. Not the Party You Think it is.

This weekend is my weekend without the kids.  Most people think these weekends are full of fun and debauchery.  Not so.  They're lame, for lack of a better word.  Seriously, truly lame.  Here's how they go.

Friday evening I pack Jonny's bag and pace nervously around the house trying to keep the kids from A. Running off to play with their friends or B. getting sucked into something that will make them not get out of here as quickly as possible.  Ever since my ex snooped around my house, going through my stuff, the thought of him being AT my house, even with me here, sends me into a panic.  It's completely stupid, I know this but it doesn't stop me from being anxious about it.  That's why I pace. 

He texts me he's here and then I scramble trying to kiss the kids good-bye and get them out the door, quickly so he can just LEAVE already.  I avoid all windows and the door so he doesn't think I'm like... staring at him longingly or anything or that I have an uncontrollable need to see him.  Again, it's weird I know.

The kids leave, and I usually hop in my car and go get something really decadent and expensive to eat.  Something I would never get with the kids because they either don't like it, or I'd  have to take out a small loan just for the three of us to eat there.  Last night it was Penn Station. 

I bring my food into the living room (something I never do if the kids are here) and eat in front of the TV, catching up on all my shows from the last week on Hulu.  After I've watched everything, I turn it on a random season of Family Guy and snooze on the couch until I decide the bed is more comfortable.

The next morning, I get up around 9 and lay there wondering when I lost my ability to sleep in until 1 pm.  I think about making coffee.  I get up and pee.  I lay back down and start reading.  Around 11 I get up and make coffee and eat any leftovers from the night before.  I make a cup and bring it into the bedroom and read.  Around 1 I'm disgusted with myself because I've once again wasted another Saturday morning and I need to DO something.  I shower.  I lay around some more.  Around 3 I finally make it out the door with absolutely NO idea what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do something damn it.  I usually go to the library and pick up any books I have on hold there.  Poke around.  Call my mom and see if she wants to run some totally random errand.  She's bored, too so she says yes.  We go do errand.  Hang out for a bit.  Talk with dad. Head home.  Watch more tv or read.

Sunday, get up around 9 again.  Think, do I REALLY want to go to church this morning.  Think to myself "God understands" and lay there until 10.  Then I panic thinking God will punish all the kittens in the world if I don't go, so I get up and get ready.  I leave late and get there late. After church, I'll stop by mom's again.  Run any errands I need to do, and then I go home and cook something for dinner before I pick up the kids.

Doesn't that sound just so exciting?

Although I miss the kids the whole time, I do enjoy my alone time.  It's a time to rest and recharge.  I know I am a lucky to have an ex who takes them at all.  Not a lot of single moms get this kind of arrangement.  Today, I got to read a whole book in one sitting and it was awesome.

I keep telling myself that maybe I need to go out more, but I don't really WANT to.  I'm a home body and I am ok with that.  Dating is exhausting and as much as I would love to go out on the occasional date, I'm ok with not going out, too you know?

A friend and I were talking today and I haven't been on a date (or have had sex for that matter) in about 8 months.  I joked that I needed to get reaquainted with my slut side, but in reality, I won't because it's TOO MUCH WORK.  It really is.  Even to find someone worthy of having a sex only relationship takes a lot of time and energy.  Two things that I just don't have right now.

I'll just buy Fifty Shades of Gray and call it a night.

Seesters!!

So, what's up with me?  Well, I'll SHOW you!

My sister came in from California and we had a great time.  We took a lot of pictures like this :

This is the story of my life.  Hiding in the background, trying not to be noticed while Michelle's nostrils take front and center.  Her nostrils are SUCH attention whores.

While visiting, Michelle spent a lot of time doing people's nails.  She did mine.  Wanna see?

And she did Aisy's

Aisy likes owls.  A lot. 

I'm a little concerned about Michelle and her love of nail art.  She is perpetuating the "asian doing nails" stereotype and I'm trying to overlook it since she's so good at it, but when she walks around like this, it's hard to ignore.

She went full asian.  You never go full asian.

She was here during Cinco De Mayo.  We managed to stop her from giggling behind her hands and obsessing over Hello Kitty long enough to have a margarita. 

Here's proof that I was there and not just stealing these pics from her Facebook page:

We had such a great time!  All  of us are always so busy with everyday life.  We all try to connect as best as we can, but nothing beats just being in each other's presence.  There is something about breathing the same air and reaching out and touching that person that makes life more bearable.  Me and my sisters are all very different people, with different view points and definitely different lifestyles and ways of dress but just being sisters, it's like something becomes whole when we're all together with our mom. It's like Voltron.  Each lion can do pretty well on it's own, but together, we're that much more formidable and awesome.

I mean, who else is going to dance herself naked when you win nine buck at penny slots? 



Taking Me Off the Table

I did it today.  I told Peanut Butter Cheesecake to hit the bricks. 

After the Margaret Cho incident, I had kind of closed my heart to him.  He texted a few times, but it was just regular chit chat.  The boring old "Hey how's it going."  This morning, I got a good morning text at like 8 am. Long story short, he said something about missing me, and when I made a joke about coming to his house and stabbing him, he said "It would be ok because that would mean I can see you."

My heart fluttered at that statement.  I was so excited that he would say something like that.  I started to think about the last time we were together, how great it was, how much fun we had, and how I would love to do it again, and then I realized that was A YEAR AGO.

My heart that was just fluttering moment ago, well it broke a little.  I got to wondering why he hasn't wanted to see me in 12 months.  Why he continues to say he misses me, he wants to see me, and going so far as to say he loves me at times, but it's nothing more than a texting/phone relationship. What does he get from this?  It's not even sexting, it's just an occasional conversation about nothing every few weeks.  Yet, these conversations leave me wanting and longing for someone that obviously doesn't want me back.

I have been trying to ignore him for about 6 months now.  Swearing to myself that I would no longer answer his texts or phone calls.  Yet, every time I would answer almost immediately.  We joke back and forth, I make a passive aggressive comment about how weird this whole thing is and then I don't hear from him for weeks.  I finally decided that I didn't care how melodramatic I sounded, I had to END IT with words. 

So, I did.  A part of me wanted him to convince me not to let him go and of course he didn't do that.  He said it "sucked" that we couldn't be friends and he hoped I had a nice life.

/Our weird friendship started from mutual pain, both of us in crappy situations.  I felt that he was THE ONE for me and that if I just waited, he'd eventually come around.  Today, I decided he doesn't get to call all the shots.  I took ME off the table forever. 

I feel so... free.

My Own Worst Enemy

Yesterday, the water delivery guy had to make a visit to our branch because I kinda broke our water cooler. In my defense, I was trying to clean out the green gunk from a part of it that we just ignore for sanity sake. It started working again before he showed up, so thats why I say I kinda broke it.

He is a very handsome man. I could tell he was checking me out and being the total dork I am, instead of being cool and flirty, I was flustered and giggly and avoided him all together. He left and I was totally embarrassed.

Jewell said I should have said something, anything to let him know I was interested. I asked her for an example and being Jewell she said something really foul that had us doubled over, laughing.

This is why I'll die a lonely. I don't do well around people. For me, men have two categories. The first is the "buddy" category. The other is "must avoid because I don't want to look like an idiot" category.

I am hyper aware of looking desperate. If I like you, if I think you're a hunk of gorgeous man meat, I lose my ability to flirt. I won't even make eye contact because I don't want you to think I want you. I don't want to come off as desperate or lonely. My pride won't allow me to be vulnerable, to show that you make me feel things.


A co-worker mentioned setting me up with someone and I had to MAKE myself ask about him today. I didn't even want my coworker to see me vulnerable, to hear the hope in my voice, the longing in my words. To see the tentative optimism on my face. As if she's go back and say "Forget her, she's a class five clinger".

I am my own downfall. Always.

Bored at court

Well, I am sitting in court waiting for my marriage to end. To be officially "unwanted". I know that sounds melodramatic and crap, but it's kind of the truth.

The fact is, I don't like change. Maybe, I've got the touch of the Asperger. Who knows? Anyway. It's not as hard as I thought it would be but it's still no walk in the park either. We're sitting far apart. I like it that way.

I showed up and saw my ex already waiting. Seeing no need to really speak to him, I just continued to head toward the courtroom to see if my lawyer was here yet. My ex called my name and I turned around and said "Yes?". He said our lawyers weren't there yet and I said "mmm okay" and peeped in just in case. I then sat down on the opposite side of the hall. He sighed and pulled out his phone.

What does he expect from me? Greetings? A handshake? Fuck you. Maybe if he showed more of an interest in his children. The other day he called and I racked my brain to figure out why he was calling. I was still at work and couldn't answer. He said he wanted to talk to the kids. I can honestly say that, THAT had never crossed my mind, because the last time he called to speak to them during the week, was easily in September.

My life has moved on, but I'm still angry at this man who lied and cheated. I thought that since he was out of the marriage, he'd show more of an interest in the kids. That he'd feel relieved from the pressure of being with me and he could focus on them more. I thought if any good came from this, it would be that the kids would have their dad's focus. Sure, he takes them on his weekends, but does nothing with them. The kids say he sits around playing video games or locked in the bedroom with his girlfriend or gone while her daughter babysits them.

Today, I have an appointment with the school about Aislinn and getting an IEP in place for her. They diagnosis of Asperger syndrome has come back again. There was some back and forth in Virginia about whether or not she had it, but she does. I told him about this meeting and he never said he'd go or anything. He probably couldn't tell you what classes she has nor has he asked for a report card all year. I'm sure though, to his friends and to his lawyer, I'm just the mean, evil ex
Who doesn't provide that information.