Saturday, April 14, 2012

My Own Worst Enemy

Yesterday, the water delivery guy had to make a visit to our branch because I kinda broke our water cooler. In my defense, I was trying to clean out the green gunk from a part of it that we just ignore for sanity sake. It started working again before he showed up, so thats why I say I kinda broke it.

He is a very handsome man. I could tell he was checking me out and being the total dork I am, instead of being cool and flirty, I was flustered and giggly and avoided him all together. He left and I was totally embarrassed.

Jewell said I should have said something, anything to let him know I was interested. I asked her for an example and being Jewell she said something really foul that had us doubled over, laughing.

This is why I'll die a lonely. I don't do well around people. For me, men have two categories. The first is the "buddy" category. The other is "must avoid because I don't want to look like an idiot" category.

I am hyper aware of looking desperate. If I like you, if I think you're a hunk of gorgeous man meat, I lose my ability to flirt. I won't even make eye contact because I don't want you to think I want you. I don't want to come off as desperate or lonely. My pride won't allow me to be vulnerable, to show that you make me feel things.

A co-worker mentioned setting me up with someone and I had to MAKE myself ask about him today. I didn't even want my coworker to see me vulnerable, to hear the hope in my voice, the longing in my words. To see the tentative optimism on my face. As if she's go back and say "Forget her, she's a class five clinger".

I am my own downfall. Always.

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