Thursday, June 7, 2012

Bringing in the New

My last post got me thinking about what I can do to make something new happen.  I believe that you get what you give, and I know I'm stuck in my comfort zone.  I've been racking my brain and I can't think of anything.  What do I want to do?  I don't know.  I really, really don't know and this scares me, because it means I really am THAT boring.

I'm doing what I like to do.  I read.  I watch tv.  I play on Facebook. I read some more.  I play Words with Friends.  I read again.  I look forward to my trips to the library and I enjoy sitting on my couch, cup of coffee by my side and a good book in my hands or with my kids and mom doing whatever we found to do for fun that day.

I worry that I'm doing this because it's easy. Will I wake up five years from now, eyes blurry from five years of reading, wondering why the hell I wasted so much time?  I can't dispute that fact that I'm content. I'm HAPPY doing this. 

The first year after my seperation, I was on the go a LOT.  A friend of mine in Virginia was newly single, too.  We were both stay at home moms, and she lived on the beach.  Me and the kids spent most of our spare time there.  It was constant go, go, go and my phone was constantly "ding ding"ing from the various men I was talking with at the time.  I needed to be stay distracted so I didn't have to feel the pain that was bubbling just under the surface of my super happy fun time facade. 

I kind of did things backwards and right now I'm in my pensive, reflective mode.   I think I'll get back out there when I'm ready and I have no idea when that will be.  Right now is my time for finding out who I am and what I want to do.  I have to remember that nothing is set in stone and I don't need to make life determining decision right now.  I'm just going to BE.  I'm going to breathe and live and mother and work and love my family and laugh with my friends.  I'm going to read until my eyeballs fall out of my head.  I'm going to rewatch Battlestart Galactica and watch House from season one.  I'm going to be quiet and paint my nails and wonder at what life has in store for me.  I'm going to go to church and pray and learn and grow.  I'm going to request classics from the library I think I need to read and then return them when I can't get through them.  I'm going to follow Stephen King's career starting with "Carrie" and ending with "Wind through the Keyhole"  I'm going to cook and clean and fold the laundry, but not put it away.  I'm going to sit by the pool and watch my kids being kids.  I'm going to make a lot of trips to QT for Arnold Palmers.  I'm going to make iced coffee by the gallons and do the photo a day on Instagram and post a lot on Facebook, no matter how pathetic it makes me seem.  I'm going to make Aislinn draw me pictures and take away the Wiimote from Jonny so I can crash some cars on the game, too.

Now that I think about it.  I've got a lot going on after all.

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