Sunday, April 29, 2012

Taking Me Off the Table

I did it today.  I told Peanut Butter Cheesecake to hit the bricks. 

After the Margaret Cho incident, I had kind of closed my heart to him.  He texted a few times, but it was just regular chit chat.  The boring old "Hey how's it going."  This morning, I got a good morning text at like 8 am. Long story short, he said something about missing me, and when I made a joke about coming to his house and stabbing him, he said "It would be ok because that would mean I can see you."

My heart fluttered at that statement.  I was so excited that he would say something like that.  I started to think about the last time we were together, how great it was, how much fun we had, and how I would love to do it again, and then I realized that was A YEAR AGO.

My heart that was just fluttering moment ago, well it broke a little.  I got to wondering why he hasn't wanted to see me in 12 months.  Why he continues to say he misses me, he wants to see me, and going so far as to say he loves me at times, but it's nothing more than a texting/phone relationship. What does he get from this?  It's not even sexting, it's just an occasional conversation about nothing every few weeks.  Yet, these conversations leave me wanting and longing for someone that obviously doesn't want me back.

I have been trying to ignore him for about 6 months now.  Swearing to myself that I would no longer answer his texts or phone calls.  Yet, every time I would answer almost immediately.  We joke back and forth, I make a passive aggressive comment about how weird this whole thing is and then I don't hear from him for weeks.  I finally decided that I didn't care how melodramatic I sounded, I had to END IT with words. 

So, I did.  A part of me wanted him to convince me not to let him go and of course he didn't do that.  He said it "sucked" that we couldn't be friends and he hoped I had a nice life.

/Our weird friendship started from mutual pain, both of us in crappy situations.  I felt that he was THE ONE for me and that if I just waited, he'd eventually come around.  Today, I decided he doesn't get to call all the shots.  I took ME off the table forever. 

I feel so... free.

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