I did it today. I told Peanut Butter Cheesecake to hit the bricks.
After the Margaret Cho incident, I had kind of closed my heart to him. He texted a few times, but it was just regular chit chat. The boring old "Hey how's it going." This morning, I got a good morning text at like 8 am. Long story short, he said something about missing me, and when I made a joke about coming to his house and stabbing him, he said "It would be ok because that would mean I can see you."
My heart fluttered at that statement. I was so excited that he would say something like that. I started to think about the last time we were together, how great it was, how much fun we had, and how I would love to do it again, and then I realized that was A YEAR AGO.
My heart that was just fluttering moment ago, well it broke a little. I got to wondering why he hasn't wanted to see me in 12 months. Why he continues to say he misses me, he wants to see me, and going so far as to say he loves me at times, but it's nothing more than a texting/phone relationship. What does he get from this? It's not even sexting, it's just an occasional conversation about nothing every few weeks. Yet, these conversations leave me wanting and longing for someone that obviously doesn't want me back.
I have been trying to ignore him for about 6 months now. Swearing to myself that I would no longer answer his texts or phone calls. Yet, every time I would answer almost immediately. We joke back and forth, I make a passive aggressive comment about how weird this whole thing is and then I don't hear from him for weeks. I finally decided that I didn't care how melodramatic I sounded, I had to END IT with words.
So, I did. A part of me wanted him to convince me not to let him go and of course he didn't do that. He said it "sucked" that we couldn't be friends and he hoped I had a nice life.
/Our weird friendship started from mutual pain, both of us in crappy situations. I felt that he was THE ONE for me and that if I just waited, he'd eventually come around. Today, I decided he doesn't get to call all the shots. I took ME off the table forever.
I feel so... free.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
My Own Worst Enemy
Yesterday, the water delivery guy had to make a visit to our branch because I kinda broke our water cooler. In my defense, I was trying to clean out the green gunk from a part of it that we just ignore for sanity sake. It started working again before he showed up, so thats why I say I kinda broke it.
He is a very handsome man. I could tell he was checking me out and being the total dork I am, instead of being cool and flirty, I was flustered and giggly and avoided him all together. He left and I was totally embarrassed.
Jewell said I should have said something, anything to let him know I was interested. I asked her for an example and being Jewell she said something really foul that had us doubled over, laughing.
This is why I'll die a lonely. I don't do well around people. For me, men have two categories. The first is the "buddy" category. The other is "must avoid because I don't want to look like an idiot" category.
I am hyper aware of looking desperate. If I like you, if I think you're a hunk of gorgeous man meat, I lose my ability to flirt. I won't even make eye contact because I don't want you to think I want you. I don't want to come off as desperate or lonely. My pride won't allow me to be vulnerable, to show that you make me feel things.
A co-worker mentioned setting me up with someone and I had to MAKE myself ask about him today. I didn't even want my coworker to see me vulnerable, to hear the hope in my voice, the longing in my words. To see the tentative optimism on my face. As if she's go back and say "Forget her, she's a class five clinger".
I am my own downfall. Always.
He is a very handsome man. I could tell he was checking me out and being the total dork I am, instead of being cool and flirty, I was flustered and giggly and avoided him all together. He left and I was totally embarrassed.
Jewell said I should have said something, anything to let him know I was interested. I asked her for an example and being Jewell she said something really foul that had us doubled over, laughing.
This is why I'll die a lonely. I don't do well around people. For me, men have two categories. The first is the "buddy" category. The other is "must avoid because I don't want to look like an idiot" category.
I am hyper aware of looking desperate. If I like you, if I think you're a hunk of gorgeous man meat, I lose my ability to flirt. I won't even make eye contact because I don't want you to think I want you. I don't want to come off as desperate or lonely. My pride won't allow me to be vulnerable, to show that you make me feel things.
A co-worker mentioned setting me up with someone and I had to MAKE myself ask about him today. I didn't even want my coworker to see me vulnerable, to hear the hope in my voice, the longing in my words. To see the tentative optimism on my face. As if she's go back and say "Forget her, she's a class five clinger".
I am my own downfall. Always.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Bored at court
Well, I am sitting in court waiting for my marriage to end. To be officially "unwanted". I know that sounds melodramatic and crap, but it's kind of the truth.
The fact is, I don't like change. Maybe, I've got the touch of the Asperger. Who knows? Anyway. It's not as hard as I thought it would be but it's still no walk in the park either. We're sitting far apart. I like it that way.
I showed up and saw my ex already waiting. Seeing no need to really speak to him, I just continued to head toward the courtroom to see if my lawyer was here yet. My ex called my name and I turned around and said "Yes?". He said our lawyers weren't there yet and I said "mmm okay" and peeped in just in case. I then sat down on the opposite side of the hall. He sighed and pulled out his phone.
What does he expect from me? Greetings? A handshake? Fuck you. Maybe if he showed more of an interest in his children. The other day he called and I racked my brain to figure out why he was calling. I was still at work and couldn't answer. He said he wanted to talk to the kids. I can honestly say that, THAT had never crossed my mind, because the last time he called to speak to them during the week, was easily in September.
My life has moved on, but I'm still angry at this man who lied and cheated. I thought that since he was out of the marriage, he'd show more of an interest in the kids. That he'd feel relieved from the pressure of being with me and he could focus on them more. I thought if any good came from this, it would be that the kids would have their dad's focus. Sure, he takes them on his weekends, but does nothing with them. The kids say he sits around playing video games or locked in the bedroom with his girlfriend or gone while her daughter babysits them.
Today, I have an appointment with the school about Aislinn and getting an IEP in place for her. They diagnosis of Asperger syndrome has come back again. There was some back and forth in Virginia about whether or not she had it, but she does. I told him about this meeting and he never said he'd go or anything. He probably couldn't tell you what classes she has nor has he asked for a report card all year. I'm sure though, to his friends and to his lawyer, I'm just the mean, evil ex
Who doesn't provide that information.
The fact is, I don't like change. Maybe, I've got the touch of the Asperger. Who knows? Anyway. It's not as hard as I thought it would be but it's still no walk in the park either. We're sitting far apart. I like it that way.
I showed up and saw my ex already waiting. Seeing no need to really speak to him, I just continued to head toward the courtroom to see if my lawyer was here yet. My ex called my name and I turned around and said "Yes?". He said our lawyers weren't there yet and I said "mmm okay" and peeped in just in case. I then sat down on the opposite side of the hall. He sighed and pulled out his phone.
What does he expect from me? Greetings? A handshake? Fuck you. Maybe if he showed more of an interest in his children. The other day he called and I racked my brain to figure out why he was calling. I was still at work and couldn't answer. He said he wanted to talk to the kids. I can honestly say that, THAT had never crossed my mind, because the last time he called to speak to them during the week, was easily in September.
My life has moved on, but I'm still angry at this man who lied and cheated. I thought that since he was out of the marriage, he'd show more of an interest in the kids. That he'd feel relieved from the pressure of being with me and he could focus on them more. I thought if any good came from this, it would be that the kids would have their dad's focus. Sure, he takes them on his weekends, but does nothing with them. The kids say he sits around playing video games or locked in the bedroom with his girlfriend or gone while her daughter babysits them.
Today, I have an appointment with the school about Aislinn and getting an IEP in place for her. They diagnosis of Asperger syndrome has come back again. There was some back and forth in Virginia about whether or not she had it, but she does. I told him about this meeting and he never said he'd go or anything. He probably couldn't tell you what classes she has nor has he asked for a report card all year. I'm sure though, to his friends and to his lawyer, I'm just the mean, evil ex
Who doesn't provide that information.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The Hunger Games
I was just taken out on a date by my friend, Kris. It was a girl date and it was so sweet of her to treat me. I had such a great time! I was expecting to eat something totally giryl like... fruit and cheese, but she was totally down for burgers at Red Robin. Then, we went and watched The Hunger Games.
I have left the theater in tears on more than one occasion when I've watched a movie based on a book I love. The Queen of the Damned and Memoirs of a Geisha, to name two. After Memoirs of a Geisha, I kind of avoided movies made from books I liked. They were always disappointing. Even the Harry Potter movies. Don't get me freaking started on the Percy Jackson movie.
The Hunger Games was pretty good. I didn't leave the movie frustrated or disappointed. There is really only one scene from the book I missed, which was the scene when Katniss is starving and the people of District 11 scrape up money to send her bread. I felt it was important because it was mentioned that was the first time a District sponsored another tribute. Also, I don't think they really stressed that people were STARVING in the districts, the outlying districts especially. Katniss hunted because she had to feed her family and she did it because she almost died from starvation. They show Peeta giving Katniss the burnt bread, but they don't show WHY. From the movie, it seems he gave her the burnt bread because she was sitting in the rain. She was sitting in the rain because she had basically given up and she had fallen on that spot and couldn't get back up, weak with hunger. He burnt the bread on purpose, getting beaten by his mother for doing so, and then gave her that bread. That bread gave her hope and the next day she started to hunt. Rue was from district 11, the farming district, yet she often went to bed hungry.
When I try to explain the book to people "There is this game see? And each district has to give 2 tributes to fight to the death on tv. Oh the tributes are kids." people always give me a weird look. Especially after mentioning that it's a Young Adult book. Seeing the violence on the big screen was pretty disturbing. Even though I knew Cato snaps that kid's neck, seeing it happen made me cringe. I knew there was a bloodbath at the Cornicopia, seeing it made me feel queasy.
There were also elements that they added that I liked. I'm usually a stickler about a movie never straying from the book, but I liked that they added the scenes of the game control room, even though watching them torture kids with a smile on their face was disturbing. I also liked that the dogs were regular dogs, not Capital Mutts, made to look like the dead tributes. That, by fa,r was the most disturbing part of the book to me.
Overall, they did a phenominal job. I realize that there could have been so much more backstory, but it's hard to do. The movie was alreayd 2.5 hours long!!
I have left the theater in tears on more than one occasion when I've watched a movie based on a book I love. The Queen of the Damned and Memoirs of a Geisha, to name two. After Memoirs of a Geisha, I kind of avoided movies made from books I liked. They were always disappointing. Even the Harry Potter movies. Don't get me freaking started on the Percy Jackson movie.
The Hunger Games was pretty good. I didn't leave the movie frustrated or disappointed. There is really only one scene from the book I missed, which was the scene when Katniss is starving and the people of District 11 scrape up money to send her bread. I felt it was important because it was mentioned that was the first time a District sponsored another tribute. Also, I don't think they really stressed that people were STARVING in the districts, the outlying districts especially. Katniss hunted because she had to feed her family and she did it because she almost died from starvation. They show Peeta giving Katniss the burnt bread, but they don't show WHY. From the movie, it seems he gave her the burnt bread because she was sitting in the rain. She was sitting in the rain because she had basically given up and she had fallen on that spot and couldn't get back up, weak with hunger. He burnt the bread on purpose, getting beaten by his mother for doing so, and then gave her that bread. That bread gave her hope and the next day she started to hunt. Rue was from district 11, the farming district, yet she often went to bed hungry.
When I try to explain the book to people "There is this game see? And each district has to give 2 tributes to fight to the death on tv. Oh the tributes are kids." people always give me a weird look. Especially after mentioning that it's a Young Adult book. Seeing the violence on the big screen was pretty disturbing. Even though I knew Cato snaps that kid's neck, seeing it happen made me cringe. I knew there was a bloodbath at the Cornicopia, seeing it made me feel queasy.
There were also elements that they added that I liked. I'm usually a stickler about a movie never straying from the book, but I liked that they added the scenes of the game control room, even though watching them torture kids with a smile on their face was disturbing. I also liked that the dogs were regular dogs, not Capital Mutts, made to look like the dead tributes. That, by fa,r was the most disturbing part of the book to me.
Overall, they did a phenominal job. I realize that there could have been so much more backstory, but it's hard to do. The movie was alreayd 2.5 hours long!!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
If I Said I Want Your Body Now, Would You Hold it Against Me?
Aislinn and I got into a discussion about Britney Spears the other day. Try as I may to truly HATE Britney Spears, darn it to heck, I just can't do it. Her personal life aside, her music is just pure fun and I love every song that comes on the radio by her, old or new. Aislinn prefers "old" Britney. She's not even old enough to remember "Old Britney". It was a cool conversation though.
Anyway, so I've been kind of dabbling over on a few dating sites, but I can't even begin to tell you why. I just feel like I'm going to find a new guy the old fashioned way, face to face. Most men won't make the first moves, and the ones that do are usually assholes. I just don't feel like convincing someone they should like me and that's what I feel like I'm doing on these sites.
I've mentioned this before, but I'm just not impressed. I want someone to impress me. Not, like.. in a financial way, or in an achievements way. I want to be impressed by their personality and their manners. I don't want to be swept off my feet, but I'd like it if a guy liked to be with me because I was fun, not because it's better to be with me than alone.
An old flame contacted me to go out with him this weekend. I said no, mainly because I know he doesn't really like ME. He doesn't like being alone. I haven't spoken to him in about six months, save one email back and forth and he E-MAILED me to ask me out on a date. On a Sunday, when he knows I have kids, to go see a musical performer he is obsessed with. Not out to a dinner to get maybe get to know each other again but to a loud concert where we can't even talk. He didn't even ask how I was doing or anything. It's like he didn't even want to try. He didn't want to make an effort. He just knew I was free and he needed someone to go with him.
No thank you.
What amazes me is that so many of my friends are like "Oh! You should go!" and that pisses me off more. As if some man who treats me as an afterthought is such a great catch. Why? Becasue he is breathing?
I guess I'll know him when I see him and that will be that.
Anyway, so I've been kind of dabbling over on a few dating sites, but I can't even begin to tell you why. I just feel like I'm going to find a new guy the old fashioned way, face to face. Most men won't make the first moves, and the ones that do are usually assholes. I just don't feel like convincing someone they should like me and that's what I feel like I'm doing on these sites.
I've mentioned this before, but I'm just not impressed. I want someone to impress me. Not, like.. in a financial way, or in an achievements way. I want to be impressed by their personality and their manners. I don't want to be swept off my feet, but I'd like it if a guy liked to be with me because I was fun, not because it's better to be with me than alone.
An old flame contacted me to go out with him this weekend. I said no, mainly because I know he doesn't really like ME. He doesn't like being alone. I haven't spoken to him in about six months, save one email back and forth and he E-MAILED me to ask me out on a date. On a Sunday, when he knows I have kids, to go see a musical performer he is obsessed with. Not out to a dinner to get maybe get to know each other again but to a loud concert where we can't even talk. He didn't even ask how I was doing or anything. It's like he didn't even want to try. He didn't want to make an effort. He just knew I was free and he needed someone to go with him.
No thank you.
What amazes me is that so many of my friends are like "Oh! You should go!" and that pisses me off more. As if some man who treats me as an afterthought is such a great catch. Why? Becasue he is breathing?
I guess I'll know him when I see him and that will be that.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Big D and I Don't Mean Dallas
I will officially be divorced in like TWO WEEKS!!
Yes, finally! Today we went to court for a settlement hearing and we were able to get all the details smoothed out without a hearing. We started at the courthouse, but decided that it would be better to finish up and sign affidavits at his lawyer's office in the city. We came to a decent settlement and I'm pretty happy. I'm sure he's not, since he has to pay, but I feel nothing but relief because it has been so hard for us for the last nine months.
Those nine months were needed though. I needed them to set my priorities straight. I needed them to see I could make things happen with nothing. The kids needed them to rid them of their sense of entitlement. It took us awhile, but we finally got comfortable being in a "tight spot" and we all handled it well. I'm proud of us. Now, my kids get excited when we eat out for dinner when before they expected it. Now, they're happy when we rent a movie instead of expecting to go to the theater. We simplified and are happier for it.
I just can't even express how happy I am to have this whole thing almost over. I didn't cry once. I got a little teary twice, but not a tear did I drop.
Yes, finally! Today we went to court for a settlement hearing and we were able to get all the details smoothed out without a hearing. We started at the courthouse, but decided that it would be better to finish up and sign affidavits at his lawyer's office in the city. We came to a decent settlement and I'm pretty happy. I'm sure he's not, since he has to pay, but I feel nothing but relief because it has been so hard for us for the last nine months.
Those nine months were needed though. I needed them to set my priorities straight. I needed them to see I could make things happen with nothing. The kids needed them to rid them of their sense of entitlement. It took us awhile, but we finally got comfortable being in a "tight spot" and we all handled it well. I'm proud of us. Now, my kids get excited when we eat out for dinner when before they expected it. Now, they're happy when we rent a movie instead of expecting to go to the theater. We simplified and are happier for it.
I just can't even express how happy I am to have this whole thing almost over. I didn't cry once. I got a little teary twice, but not a tear did I drop.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Being Still
One day when I was having one of my moments at work, a moment where I feel the whole world is falling down on me, and I just don't know if I can do this shit one more day, my co-worker, who has turned into a really great friend, said something that really stuck with me. She was exasperated at my little freak out moment, and said in her sassy, black girl tone "Dang Sandi. Just... BE STILL! Just be still and let Him do his work."
Be still.
Then Sunday at church, the choir sang a song called "Be Still" and it brought me comfort and drove my friends message home.
Be still.
Be. Still.
Even if you're not overly churchy, it's a good thought. Be still and let nature takes it course, Be still and let Karma do it's thang. Be still and just listen. Be still and wonder at the life you have. Be still and love all those around you. Be still and give thanks for everything and everyone in your life. Be still and let God do what he will.
Be still.
Since then, I've tried to be still. When my heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest, and my forehead breaks out in a sweat. When I start to worry about things I have no control over, when I worry about the what ifs, I take a deep breath and I say "Be still. Be still. Just, be still and quiet." and I am awash in calm. I've found myself needing to say it less and less over the weeks. I've stopped waking up in a panic. I'm not lying when I say I would wake up with my heart pounding away in my chest from the stress and anxiety. Before my feet even hit the floor to start my day, my heart rate was through the roof. I seriously was worried I was going to have a heart attack.
Being still is hard, but being still is sometimes the only thing you can do.
Be still.
Then Sunday at church, the choir sang a song called "Be Still" and it brought me comfort and drove my friends message home.
Be still.
Be. Still.
Even if you're not overly churchy, it's a good thought. Be still and let nature takes it course, Be still and let Karma do it's thang. Be still and just listen. Be still and wonder at the life you have. Be still and love all those around you. Be still and give thanks for everything and everyone in your life. Be still and let God do what he will.
Be still.
Since then, I've tried to be still. When my heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest, and my forehead breaks out in a sweat. When I start to worry about things I have no control over, when I worry about the what ifs, I take a deep breath and I say "Be still. Be still. Just, be still and quiet." and I am awash in calm. I've found myself needing to say it less and less over the weeks. I've stopped waking up in a panic. I'm not lying when I say I would wake up with my heart pounding away in my chest from the stress and anxiety. Before my feet even hit the floor to start my day, my heart rate was through the roof. I seriously was worried I was going to have a heart attack.
Being still is hard, but being still is sometimes the only thing you can do.
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