Sunday, January 8, 2012

What If?

I've wanted to sit down and write something for a few weeks, but I just haven't had a clear thought on what to write because I feel so up and down all the time.  One day I feel blessed beyond belief and other days I feel like I can't get much lower.  So, I'm just going to let my fingers fly.

I'm still crying a lot.

Today is a sad day and it felt like the only thing to do was to write.  I'm trying.  Trying so hard to get through day to day.  Every morning I awake with a feeling of dread.  That TODAY is the day something bad is going to happen.  What that thing is, I don't know.  But, I waste so much time worrying about what COULD happen.  I hate it.  Every night I go to bed, thanking God for one more reprieve.

Anxiety sucks.

I feel alone more than I care to admit.  I actually asked a friend for a hug the other day because the hardest part about being a single mom is not having any actual physical contact with another adult.  Sure, I get hugs from my kids all the time, but I'm usually the hug giver.  Sometimes, you need to be the hug receiver.  Even though I could use a hug, men are the LAST thing on my mind right now.  Someone pointed out that I have moved onto the "man hating" stage.  I think that he is right, and I hate him for being right.

Being strong is harder than we make it appear to be.

People tell me all the time that I seem to be taking it all in stride.  It's an act.  My insides are in a constant state of turmoil.  I feel sick to my stomach a lot and my mind and brain is always racing a mile a minute.  I feel I'm in a constant state of "hustle"  Robbing Peter to pay Paul and hope Mary doesn't come knocking for her share.  I can't see a way out of this situation and that scares the shit out of me.  People are always talk about how the man gets screwed in a divorce.  WHAT?!?  I'm barely making ends meet.  I am grateful I get child support, but because of child support, I can't get any other help I could really use.  I'm one of those people that falls through the cracks and I'm scared.  So fucking scared, I can barely breathe sometimes.   I make shit money and how am I going to make more money?  Go to school?  That costs money.   It's an endless loop that plays through my brain constantly.

I try very hard to let it all go.  To give it up to God and to just live in this moment.  Sometimes, that brings such a beautiful moment of clarity that I wish I could keep with me forever, but then the little scary thoughts start creeping back into my head.  Scaring me all over again.  Sometimes, I'll yell at myself in the car.  "Sandi, nothing is WRONG RIGHT NOW."   I know I can't control the past and I can't see into the future, and I feel so completely out of control all the time.

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