Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Only Way Through is Through It

I haven't written in this thing for a long time and I have no other excuse other than I have not wanted to rehash the suck that has been my life lately.  Wow, start off right away with negativity right?  Not really, just take it in a tongue in cheek way as it was (and still kind of is) the truth.  I'm not going to lie, my life has been kind of not great in the last few weeks.  A lot of shit has gone down and I had the neither the want or need and definitely not the energy to recount the bad shit.

First, of all let me just say a lot of the bad shit was made a LOT worse by the Mirena IUD I had inserted.  I cried all.the.time.  Non-stop.  Sometimes up to four or five times a day of real, honest to God sobbing tears.  I couldn't talk about anything without my eyes welling up with tears.  Good or bad, any emotion I felt brought on tears.  I was like a walking, talking adult sized fucking newborn.  I was hungry, I would cry.  I had gas, I cried.  Oh was that a smile?  Nope, just fixing to cry.  My mother suggested I had it removed because she noticed that I couldn't get through a sentence without choking up.  This was not an exaggeration.  Look, even before the IUD, I was the kind of person who cried just knowing a scene in a movie was coming up that made me cry before.  I can't think of the Hunger Games Trilogy without sheddding a few tears.  I see a commercial with a cute puppy or  a cute kid, I get a lump in my throat.  The Mirena made it SO MUCH WORSE.  But, I will say although it hasn't gone completely away, it has lessened quite a bit.

The main thing was a very costly car repair that has put me in a real ugly spot.  I'll survive, but that one thing has sent me into a constant state of anxiety and panic.  I can't help it.  Even though the problem is solved, I still feel sick to my stomach almost constantly, filled with thoughts of "What if?".  What if scares the shit out of me and What if can make or break a person and What if makes me lose a lot of sleep at night.

I try to tell myself that I lived like this before, where I was in a constant state of panic, and I survived.  I kind of laugh at that other girl who thought her life was so shitty.  Wow, girl you had NO FUCKING CLUE!! and I try to remember that when I feel like it just can't get much worse.  There were lots of times back in the day that I thought it just couldn't get much worse.  I have a lot of affirming statements that I say to get me through the day... "Everything in this moment is as it should be"  "I'm giving it up to God"  or my favorite "Fuck it, there's not anything I can do about it anyway."  and I try to move on.  TRY.  I'm not very good at it yet.

So where's the silver lining?  Well, even though I always knew my friends were amazing, they have really stepped up to the plate and helped me out in many ways.  They've bought clothes for the kids, helped with Christmas presents for the kids and treated me to dinners and coffees and all kinds of things.  Mainly, they are there for me 110 percent.  Today, while shopping with my friend Roxie, I was crying (SURPRISE!!) and she said "I am so happy to have you in my life, Sandi." and that... that was just the best thing anyone had said to me in a long fucking time and it didn't cost her a thing.  Because, at the end of the day, we all need to know that we're loved and appreciated, even if we show up empty handed and deflated and a little beat up. 

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