Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Pink Eye

Jonathan and I have been struck with the deady pink eye.  Ok, it's not DEADLY.  It's actually quite lame, but holy hell does it spread fast!!  I'm talking, Jonathan was complaining about his eye tearing up at church, by the end of the night his eye was red and kind of swollen with gunk, and by the next morning, my eye was gunky and teary.    Pink eye is bad asss.  Pink eye doesn't care. Pink eye doesn't give a shit. 

I'm enjoying my time off, but in true Sandi fashion, I also feel guilty for not being at work, even though I've been told to "Stay home.  PLEASE." 

Of course, the pink eye has completely freaked out Aislinn.  She usually holes herself up anyway to keep away from her brothers "nasty boy germs" on a regular day.  You can imagine how it has been since she found out he's now CONTAGIOUS.   It's been pretty awful, and quite honestly,  I've been making her steer clear of her.  People without OCD get freaked out with pink eye, I can only imagine what her OCD addled brain is telling her.  I'm guessing it's very similiar to the pink eye episode of South Park where the community was over run with zombies, but the Dr. kept saying it was just pink eye.*

Aislinn has a very mild case of OCD and like most people with OCD, it gets worse the more stressed out a person becomes.  So, usually in the mornings when she's getting ready for school is when it will rear it's annoying head.  This morning, she was mad becuase me and Jonathan got to stay home and she had to go to school.  So, she refused to pee because her brother's toothbrush was on the sink by the toilet.  She wouldn't even have to touch it.  But, it's THERE and therefore, she can't pee.  I moved it.  That's my life.  My life is to make sure Aislinn doesn't have to touch anything she doesn't want to. 

In other news, I've taken to listening to sad songs like some emo teenager whose boyfriend has left her for the head cheerleader.  I guess this is fitting, considering my ex was my first boyfriend.  I kind of wish I had faced these feelings sooner.  Adele works wonders, though and it may just take me a little longer to get there than I hoped.  I hid from the hurt for too long, and it's hitting me full force right now.  I'm feeling my feelings and accepting them for what they are.  I was hurt and betrayed.  There is no shame in that.  There is no shame in  feeling sick when I see them together, even after almost a year.  She left a voicemail on my phone for Jonathan's birthday, and the sound of her voice made me almost hyperventilate and without thinking, I hit delete.  I felt bad, because it was for Jonny and then I realized that you actually have to delete it twice, so he could still hear it. 

Trying to figure out what these feelings mean have been tough.  I'm 99% sure it doesn't mean I'm still in love with him.  I'm actually pretty sure it doesn't have much to do with him at all.  I don't miss HIM. I never have moments where I think of anything I miss about him.  I don't think about his smile or his scent or anything.  Sometimes, I might think of something fun we did as a family, and feel wistful, but him, no, not so much.  How could I have been so in love with him and yet I don't miss anything about him.  Even those wonderful tender moments in the beginning, when you're new to each other and he does things like, brush him hands on your face?  I don't even give a shit about any of that.  When I see him alone without her, I feel nothing. 

I assume its knowing that I was so easily cast aside and that he didn't give our family a chance. He saw and out, and he took it and ran.  No counseling, no trying to work it out or anything.  Then, after that we pretty much shut out all forms of communication.  I don't know if I need closure or what.  What I can't deny is, even if I know he's not good for me, and I'd never want him back, just knowing you were so easily dropped, that hurts.  So, I think I'm working through the whole "I don't know if I could ever put myself in that postion ever again" thing.   It goes back to what I wrote before. 

Random side note, that was the first episode of South Park I had ever watched. I thought it was a very funny show, but I got out of habit of watching it regularly. I tried to watch an episode the other day, and the whole show was based on Kyle losing a bet and having to lick Cartman's balls. I turned it off about 5 minutes in. I guess when your whole schtick is to shock people, after so many seasons, ball licking is all you have left in your grab bag.

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