Sometimes, I wonder what I'm supposed to be learning through this whole process. I always try and notice and appreciate the little lessons life gives us. It's not always easy.
In late October I started to feel down and it carried on until the New Year. I'm starting to finally shake off the last bits of this sadness and move forward toward the sun.
Real down is an understatement. I had thoughts. Bad, terrible thoughts whispering to me, telling me I could end the struggle real easily. Today, reading about Dooce and how she found herself looking at the ceiling, dog leash in hand, well it made me sick because it wasn't that long ago I thought about driving off an overpass on an alarmingly regular basis.
Life was hard, there was little money and Aisy needed glasses. I knew anything I could get the kids for Christmas would be small. Insignificant.
I just prayed that Christmas would end. I have amazing kids. They have taken to the changes with grace. Yet, they're kids and one still believes in Santa. I was getting requests for laptops, IPads, bikes, and expensive Lego sets. It was so hard. I already felt like shit, and this made it worse.
I figured if I was gone, their dad wouldn't have to pay us and he could buy them those things.
Obviously, I see now how ridiculous that is. The kids would rather I be alive over having a laptop.
It's scary where the mind can take you. I'll keep a better eye on myself next October.